Thursday, March 28, 2013

I am mommy, thats why.

So, as a mom, I've found out some things along the way. Tricks, tips, ways to save sanity. I'm sure all moms have them, but my list...goes a little something like this ;

The things you've been lied to about parenting, and what I've actually learned...

1.) Science is wrong. You definately don't need 8 full hours of sleep a night to function. Once you bring a baby home, sleep is such a foreign concept.
        a.) And for all those people say "nap when the baby naps!" obviously don't understand that mommy is still a person, and has things to do...and showers to take, and baby puke clothes to wash.
         b.) And those same people who say "nap when the baby naps" obviously did not have two childen, because that is next to impossible.

2.) Sleeping babies in magazines and TV look so cute and peaceful sleeping on their mommy's chest, and in their own cribs. It almost makes you want to capture the same picture and frame it beautifully forever!
         a.) This does not really happen in real life. When your baby is sleeping, you walk away. QUICKLY. dont try taking a picture with the fear you will wake them. Babies are not (I REPEAT NOT) heavy sleepers.
         b.) Get used to not sleeping. Forget what your bed looks like, you wont see it for a while.

3.) Breastfeeding is so natural, and looks so easy! I'll be a pro at it in no time!
           a.) Breastfeeding hurts, feels weird, and sucks. You will feel a natural ability to do it, but you may also feel slightly strange when a baby is sucking on your nipple. Its nice that baby gets what baby needs from breastmilk, but the whole concept is...strange. And your boobs will never look the same. But its worth it! And it takes lots of hard work to learn what works for you.
           b.) it's also weird to have to wear "nipple diapers" in your bras to prevent leakage. Nothing more embarassing than warm boob juice running down your shirt. :)

4.) I will love being a mommy! It looks so fun and amazing!
         a.) it definatly is, but nobody warns you how lonely and overwhelmed you're going to feel first few months. People will make you feel guilty if you need help, and you'll run into LOTS of sancitmommies who never make mistakes. Ignore them. They're robots. They're not real.

5.) Having a second child is pretty easy, because you already know what you're doing.
        a.) NO. just no. A second child adds so much more craziness into the mix. It is NOT easy and "no big deal" like some mothers tell you. Adding a second (or more) child into the mix, is just as hard as having your first kid. You've got an older child that gets jealous of the baby, feels left out, and begin to act like a baby too. These first few months of adding more kids, takes lots of patience. LOTS. Best way to get through this? Lock yourself in a bathroom for a few hours a day and rock back and forth. Nothing else calm your nerves.

6.) All pregnancies look so easy, and I've never heard of anything bad happening!
        a.) See, I thought so too. Until four months into my first pregnancy, my son was diagnosed with a birth defect I never heard of. I thought the worst that could happen was preterm labor, or some high blood pressure. Oh, and if your pregnancy is NOT textbook, for the love of everyting holy, DON'T (I REPEAT DONT) google. Forget that google, webmd, and any other health website exists. for your own sanity.

7.) Toddlerhood looks fun! I can't wait to take my kid to the park, and do lots of fun stuff with him/her!
       a.) Toddlerhood is fun....if you like root canals. (I joke, I joke). By the time your kid turns two, they've realized they are a little person, with a little voice. And their favorite word is "NO". (all that discipline you've tried, comes back to bite you at this stage! no is a quick favorite word of all little people). And you spend your day in a power struggle. "Come on little one, lets get a bath!" "NO" "come on, lets get a snack!" "NO" at this point, you've lost control. Stay in bed til your kid goes to school, you're not going to win. Hibernate. Your best way to get through this stage.

8.) Yay! My little one is going to start school! I can't it to volunteer for school functions and all that fun stuff!
       a.) Honestly, by the time my son hit school, the new break without him here is like...heaven. I can clean, sit down, get errands done.
       b.) You're not a bad mom if you just "lose" those pesky "sign up here to volunteer for this class room event" paper...

These are the ones that make me laugh the most. What are yours?


Sunday, March 24, 2013

march 24th 2013

This passed week has been an extreme test of basically everything I thought I knew. I've learned so much about myself that I never really spent a whole lot of time really thinking about. I spent a lot of time by myself, thinking, reflecting, and just really evaluating everything going on in my life, and around me. I've thought a alot about myself, my marriage, my parenting, myself...everything. And the things I have come up with helped me put together a plan of action, for how I want to keep living, and to keep growing. 

1.) Stop yelling.

Motherhood is difficult. It's the only profession in the entire world that doesn't come with a manual. Its the only job that the pay is $0 a year, but the reward is so much greater. Its the most challenging, frustrating, loving, confusing, and awesome thing any mother can be lucky enough to do. But, it comes with a daily mistake. My biggest mistake is not finding a good form of discipline, and sticking to it. And I've found out, that the more frustrated I get, the more I yell. And me yelling at the kids, doesn't help anything but fuel my frustration. Yelling at them wasn't my way of "discipline" it was my form of trying to gain control ; and in that, I lost my voice, lost control of the situation, and just became more frustrated. It doesn't work. So, i have stopped doing it. And honestly? The kid's behavior is so much better when I'm a more chilled out mom. They respond better to me handling the situation in a calm, and composed manner. I've found out that I feel more calm, and I feel better because I'm not going to sleep feeling like I've just been terrorizing my kids all day by yelling and getting frustrated. And their moods are better. And my mood is better. I spend better quality time with them. And we communicate better. And there are more hugs and kisses. That's the best part.

2.) Stop worrying.

I worry way too much. From the foods I eat, to the weight I'm losing, to the clothes I can't fit (everything is WAY too big now, and I basically only have three pairs of pants that actually fit anymore) to my marriage. The worrying causes nothing but unnecessary stress on myself. I have worried myself sick sometimes. Worried myself into comparison. I at one time worried if I so much as gained a pound or two, my husband wouldn't love me anymore. I started comparing myself to every woman I'd see and wonder if I could ever look like her. and then I'd worry some more that my husband was somehow disappointed in my looks. It was getting ridiculous. And i'm sure I drove him crazy. I need to stop all that. I've spent time re-evaluating myself, and truly realizing that I am a good person. And I've become a beautiful woman. I've become more patient, more kind...I dont worry about the small things. I used to worry that my husband would cheat on me every day, and I seriously pushed him so far away, that I'm sure he wasn't so sure if he wanted to even stay with me. My worrying and comparison almost ruined my marriage. I used to give Dan a hundred questions when he would leave, and come back. And he would get so irritated with me, and stay out even longer. When I am calm, do my own thing, and leave him alone, and let him be free...he comes back less stressed and mad. I don't worry about that anymore. Trying to keep him on a leash, I'm only hurting myself. So i've let all that go, too. And i'm so much happier this way. (and i'm sure he is, too.)

3.) Be the best ME that I can be.

As a mommy, and a wife, I always come last. My needs are ALWAYS met last. And for a while, I was okay with that. But I have found out that when I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I don't think my husband has realized this yet, though. I try not to ask for much. I try not to ask him for help, or for anything, really. I wish he was more assertive, and wanted to put my needs ahead of other things, sometimes.... But I'm taking better care of myself, for me. I do things to make Me feel good. Dressing nice, or sometimes NOT dressing nice. I feel good listening to myself, not trying to please anyone else. My self esteem has gone up so high because i'm not worried about what anyone thinks of me. I am more centered, more grounded. And I do things I want to do. This makes me feel more healthy. Mentally healthy. And that's helped me be a better mom, and wife.

4.) I'm the only one in control of myself, and my happiness.

This has been the biggest one for me. I am so used to giving somebody else the power to build me up, or break me down. That's not realistic, anymore. I am the only one that has the power to make me happy. My mind and thoughts are mine. And nobody has the power to control that anymore. Nobody. i've finally found that comfort in myself that i spent almost six years looking for. And that's the best thing I've learned.

And my plan? To keep this up. I can't slip. Because I feel like I've taken the steps to personal growth. And that's so rewarding. I spent the last few months losing weight, trying to be a good wife, trying to raise up my kids. There's so many things I have accomplished this far in my life. And i'm happy with where I'm at. And I'm even happier now that I actually took the time to sit, and think. Nobody else may realize these little changes I've made, but the way that i feel is amazing. I feel like a whole new person. A whole better person. And that makes me feel so much lighter. So much happier. <3 my goal is to just keep this up, and to continue to learn from myself.


Saturday, March 23, 2013

tattoo ; weightloss updates, and whatnot. :)

This tattoo may be cliche to you. It may just be a stupid song, four stupid words that I shouldn't have tattooed onto myself. But their meaning goes a whole lot deeper than that. 

I really should be the most bitter person in the entire world. I've been through so much shit in my short existence. I've been hurt to my core. Beaten down, thrown away like garbage, left alone, abandoned by people I thought loved me. I have enough anger, enough bitterness to let it completely consume me. And for a while, I did. I resented men. ALL men. I never completely trusted any man that even so much looked at me. I had been so violated by a man who claimed that loved me. And being that young and stupid, I believed it. For a while, I truly believed that all men were that way, and that I would just have to live my life that way. And not just that, I hurt for my children too. They were abandoned, too. And for a while, I used to believe it was all my fault. I spent so many years in an untrusting depression...trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with ME. I was convinced it was me. Like...maybe if I was thinner, prettier, funnier, more fun to be around...maybe men wouldn't treat me so badly. Maybe nobody would hurt me anymore. And I lived my life that way for YEARS. I don't even know what clicked into my brain that "this is bullshit" (pretty much what it came too). And I just started living for myself. 

And this song. by Bright Eyes. No lies, just love. I stumbled upon it on an old CD I bought a few years prior, and never really listened to. I was driving by myself near the river when I let the whole song play through. Going through one of the darkest times in my entire life. I had just moved my things out my apartment AGAIN back into my parents house for the thousandth time. And I was clearing my head. And it came on, and I remember driving by the river, and just the words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so true. Every word. And I knew that I had to start being a better person. FOR ME. not for anyone else. And i truly had so much to offer someone. And to not let my passed consume me anymore. 

And I started figuring myself out. For so many years I was completely consumed by another person. A toxic person. A person who probably wouldn't spit on me if I were in flames. I forgot who I was in that mess. I started to reflect on myself, and what I wanted. Who I wanted to be. Becoming a better person, a better mother, a better me. I owed that much to myself. I couldn't let HIM win. I couldn't just succumb to that. I was way more worthy of a good life, and I no longer wanted him to steal that from me.

And then I met my husband. In the craziest, spur of the moment type encounter. I wasn't expecting anything of him, which made it way more exciting and fun. I went into this relationship with absolutely no expectation, with no intention of getting attached, with no reason to fall in love. And just something...happened. Which surprised me. I just let myself get really close to somebody, really quickly. And it just felt right. He's not perfect, and I'm not either. And its not always all happy peaches and cream ; but at the end of the day, I know he truly does love me, and appreciate me. Just as I feel the same way about him. I used to think I knew what love was, and he just came into my life at a point that I truly needed him. And i didn't think that I did. I let myself finally open up, let the walls fall down, and truly give somebody half my heart, knowing he could just break it. I may have so much baggage, and still have my moments, but I left my past in my past. He is seriously the best ever. I don't think I could ever give him enough credit for everything he truly does, and how much he truly means to me. 

So, the no lies, just love. I have been broken. And I have been untrusting, and I have made a hundred mistakes...I have been shattered, and to some, I may be just "used goods" because I come with so much baggage and heartbreak. I have hardly anything to offer to my husband. But I can promise him, forever and always, I may not be everything you ever dreamed of, but I can always offer you no lies, just love. For you, and for me, too. 

So when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies, just love.
Just love. I will be pure. No, no, I know i will be pure. Like snow, like gold.

I've pretty much plateaued in my weight loss. I don't think I can literally get any smaller. I am currently 126 pounds. I've lost like 4 pounds or something in the last two weeks. But I don't think its possible to physically get ANY smaller. My rib cage is too wide, and my hip bones are too wide as well to really get any tinier. But as far as any extra "fat" goes, I really don't want to lose anymore of that. I don't want to lose my shape. I like the way I am shaped. I just like the compliments I currently get from my husband. He told me the other day "look how tiny you are!" and I literally smiled about it all day. It just made me feel good. So, I think I'm satisfied with it. When he first met me, I was just starting out...about mid way through. I had lost about 20 pounds when I met him. And even in the first photos of the two of us, you can tell a huge difference in me. I think he's happy with it, and (legally...) I don't have to please anyone else. If it's good for him, its good for me.

I just have a lot to be happy about these days. I really honestly do <3

Monday, March 18, 2013

Promise me, you'll leave the light on.

Do you ever sit around and think about every small choice, every person you've talked too...every thing you've done in your life lead you where you are now? People seem to think that everything happens for a reason, or that you cannot test fate. But what if you can? 

I mean why in the world do people go through so many terrible things? What kind of plan includes people suffering, and going through things that could almost push people to the brink of ending their own lives? What kind of lesson does that really teach you? I mean, some people are strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown their way. But according to "fate", even suicide is something unavoidable, if that's the path you are taken down from whatever fate you've been dealt. But why? I don't see how that could be some elaborate plan. More like a terrible decision you cannot undo.

I mean, people tell me all the time, after they really get to know me, how "strong" I am, how they don't know how I've done half the things I've done, and am still here talking to you. But I feel like 80% of what I've been through could have been completely unavoidable if I had made better decisions. I had the power to get myself out of a lot of situations I've been in, but I was always too weak, too stupid, or not willing to get out of them. There literally was a point in my life that I didn't care what happened to me. I just figured my life would never get any better, and nobody would even notice if I even existed anymore. But is that fate? Was I supposed to just give up, and give in to that? According to some people, yes. But according to me, that wasn't acceptable. I didn't want to succumb to some crappy life, living out of a car, getting drunk, not caring anymore. That wasn't a life. That was pitiful. Although I do not like to "victim blame" or even try prolonging a bad situation, what if I had just left when my parents offered me to leave the first time? I wouldn't have had a crappy two years where my life was just completely out of control. I would look in the mirror, and have no idea who I even was. I'd forgotten my identity. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't remember my favorite foods. I didn't even remember my birthday. I was just this shell of a person with nothing left. I gave all that to another person, and just lived that way. My parents offered me over and over again to come home, and get out of that before it was too late. And I never listened. I told myself my  life was meant to be that way. And this dark period of my life just made me the person I am today. But it took a long time to get there. But...what if I had gone home? Then I wouldn't have such a sad story. I wouldn't have anybody to blame for robbing me of my last few years as a teenager. I would have been safely at home, with my parent's support. Not trapped in my own personal hell, where I had no rights. And I wouldn't have such a screwed up way of thinking. And I wouldn't feel so inadequate like I do. I wouldn't suffer with PTSD. I wouldn't suffer with trust. And I'd be completely normal. But no. I didn't do that. I figured that was my fate. And i accepted it, like you're supposed to. 

But something in me clicked. Finally. To the relief of everyone who actually gave two shits about me. I stopped living with blinders on. I crawled on my hands and knees with my belongings on my back, and I got into my car. And I left. Just like that. Didn't tell anyone. Just did. And things were hard. REAL hard. Almost harder than they were when I actually lived that pathetic existence everyday. But it didn't last long, because I WENT BACK. This is where I'm pretty sure it wasn't fate anymore. And I just stepped in there, and did the opposite. But why? I still can't answer this question. I made it ten times worse.

But at some point I have to stop complaining, and just deal with it. And I think thats half my problem. I never did. I never coped with it. I just pushed it down into the pits of my stomach, and just pretended it didnt happen. I never did anything to help myself. I just moved to Salem, and pretended that I was okay. And never spoke of it again. I never really even got a chance to even open all the way up to my own husband to really let him KNOW what I went through. I've done enough to scratch the surface, but I want to be able to tell him. Because it shouldn't bother me anymore. But it does. And I feel like everyone is sick of me trying to deal with it. i'm sick of thinking about it. 

but this gets me back to where i was trying to go before all of this just jumped off my fingertips.

Fate. People you meet. People you barely know. People you've only seen, but never talked to. All a part of your equation? And how do you test it?

Now, if I never moved to salem, i wouldn't have met half of the people there. (obviously). I would have never convinced others to move out there. I used to completely blame myself because WAY back in the day, like 2010ish I had been out there for a year. And people started coming out there because I was suggesting it to people who needed a place to live. Anyway, long story short...Dan ended up out there. And not too much longer after that...his now EX ended up out there, too. And the only reason SHE ended up there was because she asked me about it. And then, she moved in. Not even six months later, Dan was with her. (which i really felt like was my fault because i had helped her, in a way, get there. i remember talking with her about it...) and how it broke up his family, and just pretty much pissed everyone off who knew what was going on. and then, like a year or so later...I send Dan an innocent message...which ended up with exchanging numbers...which turned into a friendship...then beach trips...then, well, more (just use your imagination)...If I had never talked to that girl about moving to salem, and she started dating dan, and me messaging dan...i'd probably not be married. How weird is that to think about? Almost blows my mind. I never even thought about that before until today. Like how weird is that. I mean, I'm not necessarily proud of hurting people ; but it's just funny to me how all those small, little details brought me to where I am now. Happily married ; in love with my bestfriend...spending the rest of my life with somebody I never gave a second look. Just...nuts.

Was all that fate? Or did I stir the pot? You choose. :)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

it never gets easier?

Before and after. Last year I put on that bikini (on the left), and convinced myself I looked "decent." 

And the bikini I will wear this year on the beach (on the right). 

Even seeing it this way, I can obviously see that my body has improved, and i am so happy with that. I look skinnier, I feel healthier, I can tell my clothes fit differently. I don't have as many "wiggly" parts as I did last year. I can actually wear that style bottom and not feel like i'm too "fat." The scale says I currently weigh 127 pounds. My clothes say I wear a size four pant, and a small sized shirt. But my brain still sees me in a size 11, and weigh 170+ pounds. And society says I am still not what beautiful is.

How much more weight am I supposed to lose, until I can qualify myself as "pretty"? This is almost getting tiring. And I know this sounds ridiculous, like "oh jeeze shut up." But nobody warns you how you're supposed to feel after the weight is gone. Every thing I put into my body I am terrified will start adding up, and just make all my hard work be for nothing. It's exhausting. I know my body will never be "perfect." I mean, I've had two children. My children left their marks on my body. I have stretch marks, my stomach will be "forever round" and I cannot literally get it any flatter. And the area around my ribcage can not get any smaller without my ribs just sticking out, and looking sickly...but I just have this struggle in my brain like "just ten more pounds and I'll be better." "Let me drop just one more pants size and I'll be looking great!" And this is not healthy. It's almost like in my heart I am happy. But my brain is just NOT okay with how I look.

But nobody tells you that's what happens after a big weight loss. Everyone makes it look like "you lose weight, you just love what you see" its like my body and my brain haven't been able to meet in the same place yet and come to agreement that we are happy as a whole. 
But I guess my answer to all of this? Just screw it. I was never meant to be a model type. I am 5'2. I was born to have a fuller figure. I will never be a blonde. I will never have blue eyes. I will never be what "society" and main stream media says I need to be to be perfect. I do not have the figure of a 12 year old boy. At like 11 years old, I was the first girl in my class to develop an hourglass figure, and become curvy. (thanks genetics) I have a thicker figure than most people I know, and this is how I was destined to be. I have a small waist, and fuller hips. In my opinion (and I am picky), most women should WANT a figure like mine. It's what the 50s used to tell us was perfect. When did a 12 year old boy body become "sexy"? I see women on the beach with absolutely NO curve to their shape. I see women with no ass, just switching in their walk like they had anything to shake anywhere. I've NEVER looked like that. I don't even think I looked like that in 6th grade. And I'm finally starting to let myself be okay with that. 

Now just to convince my brain of this... But I'll get there, someday. =/