tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207286696771153862024-02-18T21:53:28.673-08:00This is the story of a girl...Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-4778395450617633512013-08-28T14:16:00.001-07:002013-08-28T14:16:45.325-07:00my wife swap manual as a guide to the running of my home. :DYou know when you're watching wife swap, and the new wives show up and read that cute little book all about how the household runs? I've always wondered what those questions were. So, I looked them up! And I figured I would go ahead and do mine, just to see if I could figure out what kind of wife they would send here...what kind of wife would be my complete polar opposite.<br />
Pretty sure they would send Dan a super feminist wife who doesnt believe in gender roles, and wont help him do anything, lol.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>OUR MARRIAGE</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>What tips can you give for coping with your other half?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-BE VERY PATIENT. He is not the easiest person to love, or understand. He is VERY stuck in his ways. DO NOT take anything he says personally. He is a nice guy, but he will rely heavily on you. Make this easier on yourself, and write it down. If you don't, text him what he would like done for the day, and look at it. You'll get into his routine. Have dinner cooked when he's hungry. Make sure he always has work clothes. Don't let the laundry pile up, or leave clothes in common areas (he hates that). <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>How do you like to be treated?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I do not expect anything. I like to be treated with respect, and dignity. But if I dont get it, thats not my problem, that's somebody else's. I know who I am. Somebody's opinion, or treatment of me, doesnt affect who I am, and how I should treat others.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>What happens when you and your partner disagree on something?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-World war III until it settles down.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">What subject do you and your partner disagree on the most?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Religion. I'm an open atheist, he is a closet christian. He doesn't agree with my views, and I don't agree with his. We just keep it under wraps. We don't EVER talk about it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>OUR HOUSE PHILOSOPHY</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Please sum up the philosophy of this house and life within it:</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-We are car enthusiasts! Our whole life revolves around cars, talking about cars, fixing cars, making cars fast, and racing! Hope you know the difference between a turbo, a supercharger, and a nitrous kit. You'll be quizzed daily. Or you'll have nothing to offer the conversation! My life revolves around slicks, weekends at the track, saturday night street races for fun, and of course, accepting ebay packages full of go fast parts. :) Hope you like the color blue, and can handle sitting around for hours while Dan lets multiple people look under the hood of the truck! </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Dan also rides BMX. I really hope you don't mind getting filthy ; because the trails are very dirty, and full of insects! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-This home models after the 1950's marriage. I am the house wife, my husband is the man. I go on his command. I am the one in charge of anything domestic. I am expected to upkeep my appearance, to ensure my home runs smoothly, and that my husband has everything he needs. In return, my husband is my man. He does all the dirty jobs. He makes the money. He takes care of me. We are very traditional in marriage roles. He will not do anything a woman should do, and I am not expected to do anything a man might do.</span><br />
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<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><u>1) HOUSEHOLD CHORES</u></b><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How often do you clean your home?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-My home gets a regular tidy up clean every single day. I deep clean (hard floors, toilets, sinks, dusting) once a week.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Who does the cleaning in general? Is this done voluntarily, or only when asked?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">- I do ALL of my the cleaning. It isn't done quite voluntarily, but because I KNOW it needs to be done. My kids are responsible for their own room. I'm in charge of EVERYTHING else.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>2) COOKING / MEALS</b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>What room(s) do you eat your meals in?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">- Since I currently only have a table which seats two, my children sit at the table at meals, while me and my husband sit on the couch. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>When are meal times?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Breakfast for the kids is 8:30am. Lunch is around 1pm. Kids eat dinner around 6, my husband and I eat dinner between 8pm-930pm.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Who prepares breakfast / lunch / dinner and when?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I prepare ALL the meals. My husband normally makes his own bowl of cereal when he gets up for work in the morning.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Does your partner help?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Not at all. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>What are your top three dinners? </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Fried porkchops</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-pastas</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-any kind of chicken i feel like making that particular night.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Do you have any special dietary requirements? Is there anything you won't eat?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-No</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How often do you get take-out or delivery? </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-once a week, on average.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How often do you eat-out at restaurants? Where do you go? Do you take the kids?</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Weekends. Depends. Normally places around town.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>3) SHOPPING (GROCERIES)</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How often do you go grocery shopping? When do you go?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I HAVE to grocery shop at least once a week. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Does your partner help?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No. I don't think he knows where the grocery store is.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><u><b>4) SHOPPING (CLOTHES)</b></u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Who shops for clothes?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I shop for the children, and myself. My husband buys for himself. Or gets freebies from random BMX companies.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How much do you spend on clothes per month for each family member?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I seriously don't even know. lol.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>5) DAILY ROUTINE</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>MORNING</b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>What time do you usually get up?</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-8am</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>What is your morning routine (weekdays?)</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Wake up around 8am with the kids. Breakfast around 830. </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-on school days, wake up around 730, get Caden up, breakfast, book bag packed, pack lunch. Drop Caden off to school.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Do you ever get to sleep in?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Most days. But most of the time, my husband wakes me up when he gets up, just so I'm not sleeping. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>DAYTIME</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How do they get home?</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I pick up Caden from school everyday.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Do the kids have any extra classes / activities after school? If so, when and what?</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-no.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>After school, if they don't have activities, do they have play dates? How often? At your home or their friends home?</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-No activities. No established play dates. They see their step siblings in our home once a week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>EVENING</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">What time do you get home from work?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I am a stay at home full time mother and wife. <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Do you help the kids with their homework?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Yes. Caden is still small, and i will explain to him his homework assignments. He normally can handle it on his own, but I stay close by incase he has a question. Then we go over it together.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>When do they do their homework?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Immediately after school. When he is done, he gets a snack.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Approximately how much homework does each kid get?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Caden normally has two worksheets a night.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Do the kids have set bedtimes and if you have teens, do they have curfews?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Kids are in bed at 8pm nightly. They are allowed to have quiet talk to each other as they settle down. I cant put them down any later, or they're too wound up for sleeping. They need that extra quiet time in bed before falling asleep.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">How you spend you evenings from Monday to Friday?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Monday-Thursday nights are a typical dinner, bedtime snacks, relaxing during the evening. My husband goes out and does his own thing once in a while throughout the week, so I am home some nights by myself. Friday nights the children normally go to my parent's house for their weekly sleepovers.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>What time do you go to bed?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Whenever Dan is tired. Normally between 10-11:30pm.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><u><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">6) WEEKENDS</span></u></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>What do you generally do on Friday night?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Dan and I live a very social life outside of the children. Friday nights, he comes home, we get ourselves together, and head out for a night with friends. Normally out to dinner, and spending time with our friends.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">What do you do at the weekend?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Saturday Mornings?</b> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Nothing. Sleep in. :) <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Saturday daytime?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Trails, out for lunch, hanging out.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Saturday evening?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Street racing. (You'll have alot of fun being a one woman pit crew. Hope you can carry a pair of slicks down the stairs, and back up them. You're in charge of reading the gauges, too. Make sure you know what they mean. Ask lots of questions. Your back will only hurt for a little while. You also need to remind Dan to remember all the "free" mods. He'll know what you mean. You're welcome.)<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Sunday Mornings?</b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" />-Kids normally return home on sunday mornings. So back into the swing of mommyhood. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="background-color: white;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Sunday daytime?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Whatever the kids want to do.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Sunday evening?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Dinner, baths, snacks, bedtime.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>7) SOCIAL LIFE / LEISURE</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>When you go out, do you tend to go out as a couple, or individually?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Dan normally ever wants to do anything with me as just a couple. Our time is normally shared with friends. I'd really love it if once in a while we did something just the TWO of us, but he's just not like that.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>What kinds of things do you like doing when you go out as a family / as a couple / as individuals?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-We don't normally have alot of "family" time. Dan is hardly ever here. Thursday nights, my stepchildren come visit, and we have all four of the kids together. When they visit, we normally enjoy our entire night in. The kids all love being around each other. They have such a great bond.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>8) KIDS</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Who does the childcare? What does it involve?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I do all of the child rearing. The bathing, feeding, cleaning up, laundry, shopping, school events, organization...you name it. Its all on me. <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Do you have a routine with bedtimes etc for the children? </b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-Riley is allowed a sippy cup at bedtime. I realize its getting a little extensive how much she relies on it, but cutting it cold turkey gave her anxiety. I just lay them in their beds (they share a room) at 8pm, hugs and kisses, and they are allowed to talk for an hour tops, and have quiet time as they settle down.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>How do you discipline the kids?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-They get a warning. Afterwards, they are put in the corner (a minute per year) Caden sits for six minutes, Riley sits for four. I do not do physical punishment. It's cruel.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Do you spend time without the children?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I get a break normally every weekend when they go to my parents house. It saves my sanity!<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>What things do you and your partner disagree on with regard to childcare? </b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I came as an already established family. I came with two children in my care fulltime into my marriage with Dan. I've been hellbent on keeping discipline and structure the way it was before he came into our lives. He doesn't always agree with me, but I don't feel like it needs to change. My were already comfortable with my parenting style, before Dan.<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>9) FAMILY</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>When do you see your family / in-laws?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I see my family almost every other day. I see my in-laws once in a while. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Do you visit them? Do they come and visit / stay with you? How often?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I visit my mom almost everyday, if not, every other. They do not stay with me. My mom barely visits here. <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Do your relatives help look after your kids?</b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" />-Yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="background-color: white;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>10) WORK</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">What hours do you work in the office / at home?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-I'm a stay at home mother...I work 24/7!<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>Do you bring work home in the evenings?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-In my line of work, yes. lol.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b><u>11) FINANCES</u></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Who controls the money?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-We both kind of do. He gives me whatever money needs to be deposited, and I am responsible ensuring all the household bills are paid on time. <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><b>How much do you spend on groceries per week?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-on average, about $100<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">How much do you spend on yourself?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-6.82 per day. (cigarettes.)<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.22em;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">How much pocket money do the children receive per week? Are there conditions?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-They do not receive money, or allowances. <br style="background-color: white; color: #333333;" /></span>Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-21023164987416643742013-07-09T15:48:00.000-07:002013-07-09T15:48:07.773-07:00where do you go...This is where I've been stuck.<br />
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I feel as if I am on a teeter totter. One step to the left determines a potential future, one step to the right determines another. And here I am...stuck in the balance. Stuck. Afraid to shift my weight either way. And I've sat here too long, that it's almost tiring to stand here anymore. Do you ever feel that way? Where you just know in your heart you desire one thing, but your brain screams at you that you DESERVE another. And that's where you stay. Too scared to do anything, because it's a constant game of "who do I trust? my heart, or my head?" I've been let down too many times to believe my heart anymore. I have severe trust issues letting my heart guide me anywhere. But, at this moment in time, my brain seems to get me. My brain seems to understand exactly where I'm coming from. But my legs won't move here, from this balancing spot. And this...this is where I'm stuck.<br />
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I feel as though I was born to achieve great things. I feel as though I am destined to be so much more than what I am now. I feel like I have so many words of wisdom to share, so many people I could help, so many lives I could touch. I feel as though all my struggles have had to have meant something, anything. How many other people live through such traumatic, scary things, and still find themselves as cohesive, and coherent as I? I feel like I was put on this earth to make a difference, somehow, someway. But my heart pushed me in other directions. Directions now, that I feel...were wrong. And this is where I'm stuck. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way. But I need..I need to do something for me. I feel as though everything I once stood for, believed in, and wanted so badly to change about myself, are now here, standing here in my face. The skeletons have burst free from my closets. And the ghosts of my past have managed to find me. And I find myself here, angry. Angry at myself for allowing that to happen. Angry for going back on all the promises I made to myself, years ago. Angry that I just haven't found what I'm looking for, just yet.<br />
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But what is it that I'm looking <i>for</i>? I still don't know. Maybe I'll keep floating aimlessly. Maybe one day I'll find it. But how do you find what you thought was never lost? Where do you look for...<b>you</b>? And how did I get so lost? Who knows. I feel as though half my soul is still...out there. Waiting for me. Somewhere.<br />
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I feel as though the one person, who's life I was destined to change. The one I was born to...find. To be tangled up with ; cannot see this for themselves. And I go unnoticed. Unappreciated. And it's almost...maddening to try and get them to <i>get</i> it.My worth is not counted by dollars and cents. It is not supposed to be counted by pay days, or by things you could possibly gain. My worth is there. Its there when you look around, and I'm still here. I never left. Its seeing me, bending over backwards, doing anything possible. For you. It's always been you. There has never been any me in that mix. I am tired. I feel as though I've spent so many hours trying to explain this. But it never goes through. Do you know how badly you crush my spirit? I feel subhuman. I feel as though, somehow, I am a second class citizen. I feel as though I have no worth. And I know that is not true. Or is it?<br />
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And this is where I'm stuck.Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-15294345687619294492013-05-27T05:05:00.001-07:002013-05-27T05:05:58.068-07:00Personal growth.I feel as though for the first time since I've become a mother, that I'm finally proud of the mom that I am, and I'm even prouder of the people my children have become.<div>
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It's not just hard for a single mom to raise kids, it's tough on the kids, too. And with all the distraction that comes with being a single mom (having to work twice as hard, struggling twice as hard, kids being shuffled around for babysitting) the kids sometimes get lost in the mix, and focus isn't always on the kids...its all about survival. And trying to do enough, and be enough, so that the kids don't miss, or crave that second parent. </div>
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As a single mother, I had moved my kids into a low income project, and survived with help from the government. Granted, the place we lived was nice. It just wasn't a nice neighborhood. My children were clothed, and fed, I did what I had to do. I relied heavily on my parents to help me take care of my children. I worked odd jobs just to keep diapers on them, clothes on their backs, and to keep our clothes clean. The neighborhood I was raising them, at that time, wasn't exactly ideal for my children to grow up in forever. It was a place for stability, because we didnt have to move around (like I had before), but the people, the neighborhood, and the environment itself just wasn't the right place for them. And I worked and worked as hard as I could (waiting tables) to try and save up to get them out of there. </div>
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I will admit, back when I was alone, my parenting approach wasn't the best. It was so stressful to be both mom and dad. It was stressful working late nights at a restaurant....if you've never been a waitress, you have no idea how hard this job really is. My life was chaos. The kids were living in that. It was rough. But I can honestly say, as "poor" as we were then, my kids NEVER went without. Not once were the lights shut off, or did my kids ever go without any luxuries, either. They still had christmas, easter, birthdays, and my kids were lucky. There were lots of kids who didn't get a "real" childhood out in the projects. And if they did, they were government based. I always was able to provide my children with real childhood memories..even though our lives were full of struggle. But I did emotionally struggle. I did not have a clear mind. I was always stressed out, and my children did bear some of that. It's hard. I wasn't the parent that I knew I had the potential to be. </div>
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And then, one day, all of that changed. Out of nowhere, everything changed. </div>
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Dan came along. We made a plan to just get out of there. And within a month (technically not even a full month) from when we started dating, we moved. On a whim. My life completely changed. I had been criticized for that....and i know how crazy it probably seemed to everyone around me. How quickly I just jumped ship, and uprooted my kids. But it was for their complete benefit. We moved back to Pennsville. I knew very well how much this could fail. But I just kept it in good faith. </div>
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And when we moved here....the kids...flourished. We werent in the projects anymore. We were around people who actually respected rules. We were in a place where my kids could sleep without hearing people outside screaming til all hours of the night. We could go outside. We could go swimming in the pool. We can visit mom mom really easily now, since she's almost right around the corner. </div>
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My kids just...grew so much. And I have grown so much this past year. Dan and I got married...it gave not only me, but my kids stability as well. I'm able to provide a whole lot better for my children. I have Dan who helps me discipline, helps teach them...supports their growth. I know that in today's society, single parenthood is way more accepted, and people are more willing to date a single parent....but as crazy as Dan makes me, I am so thankful for him. He really has no idea how much he changed my life. And my kids lives, too. I don't know what i'd do without him.</div>
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My kids just surprise me anymore. Caden has really come so far. Since he's started school, he's become this sweet, respectful little boy. He's growing up, and maturing into a really good little guy. He has calmed down so much. He listens to me, he respects me, he helps me... And Riley is such a good little listener. She helps me with the dishwasher, she helps me at snack time, and she helps me put all the groceries away. They are growing up so much, and it makes me so happy that I've molded two great little people.</div>
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Just yesterday, I took them out shopping with me. I've taught them the buddy system, and how important it is. So while we are in public, I tell the two of them to hold hands, just so I know where both of them are at all times, and if needed, if I grab one of their hands, I get both. So as we were walking around, the two of them, hand in hand, they helped me pick things out. Then at the checkout line, there was this woman in front of us, and her kids were about my kids ages. And the two of them were tearing up the checkout stuff. Ripping stuff off the shelves, screaming, kicking their mom...and there were my two, just standing there, holding hands...being good. As I approached the register to pay for my items, the cashier even complimented how "sweet" my children were. She said "you look like a young mother...your children are so well behaved, you should be so proud of yourself." and i just smiled. So proud. I took them to get some french fries afterwards as a treat. :)</div>
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And then we went to the park for a picnic with friends. My kids were so well behaved, I dont even think most of the people there noticed them. They played nicely with each other. Then we took a walk to the river, and sat down. Both of them held hands all the way to the water. Caden found us a bench to sit on. We just sat and talked. Caden is great company. Very smart, and can hold a real conversation. Then on the way back, we stopped at the playground. It was busy and crowded, so I made it a "number one rule" that Caden not leave Riley. I'd see him get ahead of her, and without me having to say anything, Caden would turn around, and grab his sister by the arm, and go off and play. My heart just swelled. How could I have created such sweet children?</div>
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I'm just so proud of them. My mom even told me yesterday how much I have even grown as a parent in the last year. And that just makes me so happy. But I think that my whole happiness, comes as a reflection of my life as a whole. I'm happy. I'm stable. And it just shows in everything that I do...especially my children. <3</div>
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-Brandi</div>
Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-81201650577124968422013-05-24T17:37:00.001-07:002013-05-24T17:37:41.302-07:00The crazy, dark, underground world of the sugar bowl.I'm sure you've heard of this.<br />
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That crazy concept where college aged girls seek an older, wealthy man to help with financial help, college tuition, and other day to day expenses. Many of these women brag that they've never even slept with this very generous man. Which made me wonder...what in the world is in this secretive world? What are the expectations? What do these men REALLY want to receive, and what kind of money ARE they offering?<br />
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So, with permission from my husband, I created a fake account. I had explained to Dan that I was merely intrigued by this whole thing. I couldn't understand the allure that it has on younger women, well, besides the money compensation, but I wanted to know WHY these men went after young girls, and not somebody sophisticated, and more his speed. It makes sense, I'm not naive or stupid. All men want an attracted young girl on their arm. But how far are SOME of these men and women going to take these silly relationships? I just HAD to know.<br />
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So, I became Kat Jennings. A 22 year old nursing student. Bartender by night. Into photography, animals, and travel. Single. No kids. Unattached. Loves motorcycles, loud music, late nights, and having fun. I was a social drinker, light smoker, and young and free.<br />
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I uploaded a picture of myself. My facebook profile picture. These websites require you wait a 24 hour period before your profile can be approved, to make sure you're not a robot, or trying to use celebrity pictures and say they're you. You need one legit picture. (They reverse image search all pictures.) and the pictures cannot be nude, sexual, or suggestive. Easy enough.<br />
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As soon as my account went from pending, to approved, I already had 30 emails in my private inbox from men everywhere. California, New York, Jersey. And I had over 25 "winks". Where a user can just simply press a button that says they are interested, but want YOU to send the first message. Fair enough.<br />
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I started replying to the emails. I just had to know exactly what in the world was up with this. Why would a man WANT to flash his money just to attract someone? But the answers became extremely obvious after a few short emails back and forth with a few of these guys.<br />
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Most of them have done this before, many times. I had never been involved with anything like this before. I always just met people in the area, went out with them...Sugar daddy/baby dating relationships are way different than anything else I've ever seen. It's almost a game. It's like a job for the potential "sugar baby." My fake profile was so vague. You can even specify what kind of financial support you want to accept. The amounts go from $1000 all the way up to $20000 a month. 20 grand a month? What in the world...I didnt know which one to click on, so i clicked the option "amount is negotiable" but then, i figured, i might as well make it $3000 a month. I guess I wanted to seem like I knew what I actually wanted, and that I would be worth talking to.<br />
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The first user contacted my fake profile seemed very nice at first. Told me he could "treat me like a princess, spoil me, and give me great financial help." I emailed it back. Just asking a few questions. He seemed uneasy to keep emailing through the site. He was more interested in getting my phone number. He wanted to make sure I was a real person, with a real life, and not some weirdo on the internet. (which is crazy, it should be the other way around.) anyway, i found a free app that lets you pick a fake cell phone number without ever having to use your real one. I downloaded the app, got my fake number, and texted him. Conversation was friendly. He asked me what kind of expectations I had. I was very specific. I wasn't going to sleep with ANYONE for money. He went into deeper conversation, telling me that his marriage was basically over, and missed the womanly "touch" that I could offer, he missed conversation, and he missed the young woman his wife used to be. I just would just cutely respond, and left it at that. The texting app I had downloaded gave me the option to log out of the app and no more texts would come through. So I could easily just shut that life off, and go back to my real life.<br />
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This same man, I kept in contact with for a period of two days. I never offered him any personal, or real information. He told me the name of the business he ran, where he lived, when he wanted me to visit, and what he would do to me if I had come to visit. This man is 54 years old. My father's age. And he kept demanding I send him pictures of my body. Just to "make sure I really look young and attractive." I never sent pictures other than what you can find on my facebook or instagram. All clean, all public. All of my face. He emailed me (on a fake email address I'd created for this account) a full scale picture of himself. Dressed in a business suit. This man was shorter than he had described himself to be on his profile. And alot heavier. And older looking than he had for his "public" viewable picture. The picture on his profile had to have been years old. The recent one he sent me, showed a balding man. Overweight. Sloppy. Wrinkled. And he kept having the nerve to ask me if I was attractive, and as young as I said I was. (not tooting my own horn, but yeah, i definitely am...). Which I thought was funny. You want a young, attractive woman to be with, but you're an overweight, balding man... I kept just turning off the app, so I would avoid getting his texts. And eventually when I turned it back on, he had texted me 20 times. Begging me to talk to him. Begging me to send him pictures. Begging me to just forgive him. Promising to give me money, and lavish gifts. This is the dark side of this "relationship". The men become hooked on the idea of the woman being in his life, that he'll stop at nothing to keep her. Almost stalker like behavior. I was proud of myself for taking all the false steps into never giving out anything real or personal in my life. This man had the potential to really hurt me.<br />
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I'd check my profile, and my profile on average was being hit over 350 times a day. I'd have FLOODS of emails, so many I couldn't even keep up. These men were between the ages of 38-79. Some men just sent small, generic messages, that you could tell they mass send, just to see who responds. Others were very in depth, well thought out, and I could tell they read the bullshit on my profile, because they would include tag lines, or things I'd had written on it. One man, was very blunt, and came off rather rude. He is a 65 year old man. His message was very to the point, almost arrogant. He told me basically that he knew that I needed him, and if I wanted the cash, I'd better do whatever he told me to do, and I was expected to keep my mouth closed, never fight him, and I'd be handsomely rewarded. I emailed back. I asked him what he meant by that. He told me that "You'll get your money. To keep you quiet, and to give me whatever I want. You come to me twice a week, and every 1st of the month, I'll deposit $4000 in your bank account. Give me the info right now about your bank, and i'll deposit $2000 in good faith. Is this what you want?" It had become apparent to me, that 90% of the men on this site were married, and wanted to pay off a younger woman for many reasons. To stay quiet. To stay attractive. And to stay around. I can see why many young people in desperate times become hooked on relationships like this. You could easily have many sugar daddies. They only want to see you a few times a month. And you could walk away with a small fortune, if you were smart. These men want you completely dependent on them, and they'll pay you...if you do what you're told.<br />
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I never took it past the mere messaging back and forth, and texts on my fake phone number app. But all the men were the same. I must have talked to at least 20 different men during this little experiment. All only truly wanted one thing. Sex with a younger woman. Their profiles, and initial banter with me would suggest they wanted companionship, (non sexual), a partner for a business trip, and somebody to talk to on skype, and to keep company once or twice a week. Then, once they actually started talking to me, they would push the idea of just forgetting they ever mentioned a real friendship turned relationship, and just make it all about sexual favors for money. And for all that, why not just hire an escort? When I'd ask them this, they would get angry, and tell me that they were done speaking to me. Which was fine. I just dont understand why go through such great lengths to pretend you want a relationship, when you can buy sex right off craigslist, and not have to give her as much money. It just doesn't make sense to me.<br />
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Bottom line, these relationships are dangerous. And I can totally see why the women stay in them. Fast, free money, with little work to be done. You just have to close your eyes, and take whatever they do to you, (which I never did, just making that clear...I never received any monies from anyone, nor did I meet anyone in public) and I just have more dignity than that. Plus, the obvious, is that I'm married, lol. But these so-called sugar daddies dont care about their younger flings. They want somebody young and dumb, who they want to get dependent on them, so they'll do anything for that cash. And that's just sickening. I've seen episodes of Dr. Phil where there was a sugar daddy/baby couple on the show that swore their relationship was real friendship, real love, and true companionship. And I call bullshit on that. There truly is no woman out there who would really get into this, if there was NO money involved. These men are perverted, and most have children my age.<br />
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The men don't truly care about you. It's all about just being seen with an attractive young woman, and giving her a small fortune payout so she doesn't say anything. The mutual benefit these sites tell you they offer are all superficial. It's a disgusting thing. Borderline prostitution. An escort service of types. Just not something I would ever be really desperate enough to ever partake in. Even if I was a struggling college student. There are so many better ways to make money, then having to lead some old, saggy, gross man on for instant glorification. But that's what we are built on today, sad, but true.<br />
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Go and see for yourself!<br />
www.seekingarrangement.com<br />
its free for women. Go ahead. See for yourself. Just a big, online prostitution ring.<br />
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-Brandi<br />
<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-59221690466212703042013-04-30T17:32:00.001-07:002013-04-30T17:33:28.177-07:00confessions of the house wife.I really love my life.<br />
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I do.<br />
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But these last couple weeks have been almost crippling on my mental state.<br />
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I don't expect people to jump through hoops, and tell me I'm amazing everyday, or every minute of everyday. But just some plain ol appreciation would probably do me wonders right now.<br />
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The constant cleaning up behind everyone. Cooking all the meals. Making sure everyone has a hot breakfast, and hot dinner every night. The constant emptying, reloading, emptying dishwasher sequence...making sure everyone's got what they need, staying up late and packing lunches...it would be nice to hear how much I AM appreciated. Even shown a bit of appreciation. I don't know if how I'm feeling is even realistic. Maybe I'm just expecting a little too much?<br />
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I mean think about it. Think back to your childhood. Who was the foundation in your family? Your mother. Your mother made sure you had everything you needed, made your meals, ensured your clothes were clean, picked up after you, made sure everything was in good, running order. And how many times did you truly appreciate her? If you're anything like me, you DIDN'T realize how amazing of a woman your mom is, until you left the house. When I'm hungry, I can't go into the kitchen and ask my mom to fix me a sandwich, when my hamper is full, I can't drag it down to the laundry room and ask my mom to wash my clothes while I'm out. <br />
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All of that is on me. And on your wife, your girlfriend, the woman in your life. And how often do you show her how much you appreciate it?<br />
<br />
My kids are still small. Caden is six now, so he's starting to see how much I do. He tells me he loves me, and that he's happy I'm his mommy. But nothing is more frustrating than to have made a meal, and Caden refuses to eat what I've given him. Telling me he WON'T eat it. Or the back talking that comes with growing up. I hate it. The power struggle with kids. Knowing what's best, and them fighting you tooth and nail. Completely forgetting how hard I work behind the scenes to ensure his needs are met. That hurts. Him not knowing how hard I looked for that special birthday toy he wanted, or staying up late baking his birthday cupcakes. Him not knowing how tired I am, but still making sure he gets his good night kisses. Only for him to wake up the next morning, and give me a hard time, and just misbehave. It makes me wish I was a better kid. Because I never understood my mom's struggle. I didn't know how much it would truly hurt, and feel like until my kids turn around and do it to me.<br />
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And i'm not downing Dan. He's a decent guy. But I wish he would truly see my worth, sometimes. While he worked his 12 hour shifts, even as tired as I was from being woken up by him at 5am, staying up making his lunch, making sure his errands were run on time...keeping up with things he normally does...to not even so much as to hear from him a simple "thanks, i know this has probably been rough on you, too." Sometimes all you really need is to hear your feelings are valid, and you're not just being a brat. I try to be the best wife I possibly can. I cook almost every night. He gets a hot breakfast. I make sure to keep up on my obligations as "wife". Keep the house clean, keep the kids in order, hot dinner, clothes cleaned, husband taken care of. I don't think he sees how much I really do. I don't think he understands how hard it is to wear so many hats. All he really has to do is take out some trash, and help carry things that are heavy (and reach things for me because i'm so short). Other than that, I ask for nothing. I do for me. But I do for me last. Behind everyone else. Sometimes I forget I am an actual person, since I have put three people ahead of me.<br />
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And I know, it's probably my fault that I've forgotten my own identity. But I've been a mother before I was a legal adult. I don't know it any other way. I don't know what it is like to have a normal, young adult life. My children ARE my life. And I've thrown myself headfirst into being the wife that my mother was. She never asked for anything. I strive to be like her. And she has told me, when I grew up, how difficult it really can be to be mommy and wife. You forget who YOU are. I gave up my whole life for my children. And I've given up a lot of ME for Dan. Because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be caregiver. I like my role. But I wish I could be selfish, and do for ME first. But that just wouldn't feel "right". I don't know.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'm just being an unrealistic brat. That really could just be the case. But I just dream of the people in my life, that I do so much for, would once in a while would just step back, and see how much I really do. I don't think that's so much to ask. =/<br />
<br />
-BrandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-90684083609835250722013-04-01T04:57:00.000-07:002013-04-01T04:57:00.564-07:00The things Dan taught me.Marriage is very tricky thing. You go from "boyfriend & girlfriend" who just live together, who share nothing, who can walk away at the drop of a hat...to legally bound, to not being able to walk away so easily. It's enduring alot of things you wouldn't want to go through otherwise. It's the biggest commitment two people can really have. To some, its "just a piece of paper" ; but those people have obviously ever been married. It's having good days, great days, and downright shitty days. It's having the time of your life one day, to feeling like you're hitting rock bottom and there's no way out. It's the comfort of knowing you've got somebody next to you for the rest of your life, and it's the fear of failure that lingers in the back of your mind, too. It's great to be married, it really is. But it's also scary, too... because you realize that there are things you are going to go through that a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would not go through.<br />
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I've also learned alot about myself these last couple months, too. I come from a pretty screwed up, dysfunctional past, and I never really had time to really process who I truly am. And it's easy to get yourself lost. <br />
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Dan is unlike anyone I've ever met before. And in his crazy ways, and made me learn alot about who I truly am, as a person. I've learned through him, that I am capable of a whole lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. My previous relationship, I was so co-dependent, and was scared to do anything on my own. When Dan and I moved in together, I started <em>having </em>to do things on my own. I've also learned that I am completely fine, and found complete comfort in <strong>myself</strong>. He has a large circle of friends that he does things with, and sometimes I do not join him. This was a tough transition for me, especially with all the abandonment issues that I've worked through since being with Angel. I have learned that I am my own worst critic through him. He came into my life at a really critical moment in my weightloss journey. I was about half way through when I met him. At that point where I was losing weight, and beginning to change, but still looked awkward, and in between. As my body changed, he was almost like my cheerleader, reminding me how skinny I was getting ; and kept me going. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, and he's always there with just the right amount of "stop it" and "you look great". I've learned how to be independent through him. He is older than me ; and already set in his ways. I cannot change him, and I don't really want to..but I've learned how to be independent and think for myself first through him. He has this mentality. And I've learned it from him, and adapted myself around it. I've also learned how much of a good woman that I am. I think most men out there would probably cut off their arm to have a wife like me. (not trying to toot my own horn here...) But I am attentive, loving, and I do everything for him. He's got it very good around here. And I don't do these things for him because I feel I have to ; I do them because I want him to realize how good I am. And I think he does. I was joking with him yesterday saying "you're gonna be a meanie to me after all the nice things I do for you?" and he gave me that infamous Dan Palumbo smirk, and said "You really do alot of nice things for me." That's what I do it for. That little appreciation. I'd like to think I'm the glue that keeps this house running. I'm everyone's maid, chef, errand runner, food runner, grocery shopper...I've learned how to just grow into this wonderful wife through Dan. (and my mama). I've just blossomed into this wonderful stay at home mom & wife. Him and I have been through some rocky stuff, but I truly can't imagine going through the rest of my life with anybody else. <br />
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-BrandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-5096223327015219512013-03-28T13:42:00.000-07:002013-03-28T13:42:58.846-07:00I am mommy, thats why.<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, as a mom, I've found out some things along the way. Tricks, tips, ways to save sanity. I'm sure all moms have them, but my list...goes a little something like this ;</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">The things you've been lied to about parenting, and what I've actually learned...</span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">1.) Science is wrong. You definately don't <em>need</em> 8 full hours of sleep a night to function. Once you bring a baby home, sleep is such a foreign concept. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) And for all those people say "nap when the baby naps!" obviously don't understand that mommy is still a person, and has things to do...and showers to take, and baby puke clothes to wash. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> b.) And those same people who say "nap when the baby naps" obviously did not have two childen, because that is next to impossible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">2.) Sleeping babies in magazines and TV look so cute and peaceful sleeping on their mommy's chest, and in their own cribs. It almost makes you want to capture the same picture and frame it beautifully forever!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) This does not really happen in real life. When your baby is sleeping, you walk away. QUICKLY. dont try taking a picture with the fear you will wake them. Babies are not (I REPEAT NOT) heavy sleepers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> b.) Get used to not sleeping. Forget what your bed looks like, you wont see it for a while.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">3.) Breastfeeding is so natural, and looks so easy! I'll be a pro at it in no time!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) Breastfeeding hurts, feels weird, and sucks. You will feel a natural ability to do it, but you may also feel slightly strange when a baby is sucking on your nipple. Its nice that baby gets what baby needs from breastmilk, but the whole concept is...strange. And your boobs will never look the same. But its worth it! And it takes lots of hard work to learn what works for you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> b.) it's also weird to have to wear "nipple diapers" in your bras to prevent leakage. Nothing more embarassing than warm boob juice running down your shirt. :)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">4.) I will love being a mommy! It looks so fun and amazing!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) it definatly is, but nobody warns you how lonely and overwhelmed you're going to feel first few months. People will make you feel guilty if you need help, and you'll run into LOTS of sancitmommies who never make mistakes. Ignore them. They're robots. They're not real.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">5.) Having a second child is pretty easy, because you already know what you're doing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) NO. just no. A second child adds so much more craziness into the mix. It is NOT easy and "no big deal" like some mothers tell you. Adding a second (or more) child into the mix, is just as hard as having your first kid. You've got an older child that gets jealous of the baby, feels left out, and begin to act like a baby too. These first few months of adding more kids, takes lots of patience. LOTS. Best way to get through this? Lock yourself in a bathroom for a few hours a day and rock back and forth. Nothing else calm your nerves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">6.) All pregnancies look so easy, and I've never heard of anything bad happening!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) See, I thought so too. Until four months into my first pregnancy, my son was diagnosed with a birth defect I <em>never </em>heard of. I thought the worst that could happen was preterm labor, or some high blood pressure. Oh, and if your pregnancy is NOT textbook, for the love of everyting holy, DON'T (I REPEAT DONT) google. Forget that google, webmd, and any other health website exists. for your own sanity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">7.) Toddlerhood looks fun! I can't wait to take my kid to the park, and do lots of fun stuff with him/her!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) Toddlerhood is fun....if you like root canals. (I joke, I joke). By the time your kid turns two, they've realized they are a little person, with a little voice. And their favorite word is "NO". (all that discipline you've tried, comes back to bite you at this stage! no is a quick favorite word of all little people). And you spend your day in a power struggle. "Come on little one, lets get a bath!" "NO" "come on, lets get a snack!" "NO" at this point, you've lost control. Stay in bed til your kid goes to school, you're not going to win. Hibernate. Your best way to get through this stage.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">8.) Yay! My little one is going to start school! I can't it to volunteer for school functions and all that fun stuff!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> a.) Honestly, by the time my son hit school, the new break without him here is like...heaven. I can clean, sit down, get errands done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> b.) You're not a bad mom if you just "lose" those pesky "sign up here to volunteer for this class room event" paper...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">These are the ones that make me laugh the most. What are yours?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">-brandi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;"> </span>Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-76627520535398319702013-03-24T16:17:00.002-07:002013-03-24T16:19:30.342-07:00march 24th 2013<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This passed week has been an extreme test of basically everything I thought I knew. I've learned so much about myself that I never really spent a whole lot of time really thinking about. I spent a lot of time by myself, thinking, reflecting, and just really evaluating everything going on in my life, and around me. I've thought a alot about myself, my marriage, my parenting, myself...everything. And the things I have come up with helped me put together a plan of action, for how I want to keep living, and to keep growing. </span><br />
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1.)<b> Stop yelling.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Motherhood is difficult. It's the only profession in the entire world that doesn't come with a manual. Its the only job that the pay is $0 a year, but the reward is so much greater. Its the most challenging, frustrating, loving, confusing, and awesome thing any mother can be lucky enough to do. But, it comes with a daily mistake. My biggest mistake is not finding a good form of discipline, and sticking to it. And I've found out, that the more frustrated I get, the more I yell. And me yelling at the kids, doesn't help anything but fuel my frustration. Yelling at them wasn't my way of "discipline" it was my form of trying to gain control ; and in that, I lost my voice, lost control of the situation, and just became more frustrated. It doesn't work. So, i have stopped doing it. And honestly? The kid's behavior is so much better when I'm a more chilled out mom. They respond better to me handling the situation in a calm, and composed manner. I've found out that I feel more calm, and I feel better because I'm not going to sleep feeling like I've just been terrorizing my kids all day by yelling and getting frustrated. And their moods are better. And my mood is better. I spend better quality time with them. And we communicate better. And there are more hugs and kisses. That's the best part.</span><br />
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2.) <b>Stop worrying.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I worry way too much. From the foods I eat, to the weight I'm losing, to the clothes I can't fit (everything is WAY too big now, and I basically only have three pairs of pants that actually fit anymore) to housework...to my marriage. The worrying causes nothing but unnecessary stress on myself. I have worried myself sick sometimes. Worried myself into comparison. I at one time worried if I so much as gained a pound or two, my husband wouldn't love me anymore. I started comparing myself to every woman I'd see and wonder if I could ever look like her. and then I'd worry some more that my husband was somehow disappointed in my looks. It was getting ridiculous. And i'm sure I drove him crazy. I need to stop all that. I've spent time re-evaluating myself, and truly realizing that I am a good person. And I've become a beautiful woman. I've become more patient, more kind...I dont worry about the small things. I used to worry that my husband would cheat on me every day, and I seriously pushed him so far away, that I'm sure he wasn't so sure if he wanted to even stay with me. My worrying and comparison almost ruined my marriage. I used to give Dan a hundred questions when he would leave, and come back. And he would get so irritated with me, and stay out even longer. When I am calm, do my own thing, and leave him alone, and let him be free...he comes back less stressed and mad. I don't worry about that anymore. Trying to keep him on a leash, I'm only hurting myself. So i've let all that go, too. And i'm so much happier this way. (and i'm sure he is, too.)</span><br />
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3.)<b> Be the best ME that I can be.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As a mommy, and a wife, I always come last. My needs are ALWAYS met last. And for a while, I was okay with that. But I have found out that when I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I don't think my husband has realized this yet, though. I try not to ask for much. I try not to ask him for help, or for anything, really. I wish he was<i> more assertive</i>, and wanted to put<b> my</b> needs ahead of other things, sometimes.... But I'm taking better care of myself, for me. I do things to make Me feel good. Dressing nice, or sometimes NOT dressing nice. I feel good listening to myself, not trying to please anyone else. My self esteem has gone up so high because i'm not worried about what anyone thinks of me. I am more centered, more grounded. And I do things I want to do. This makes me feel more healthy. Mentally healthy. And that's helped me be a better mom, and wife.</span><br />
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4.) <b>I'm the only one in control of myself, and my happiness.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This has been the biggest one for me. I am so used to giving somebody else the power to build me up, or break me down. That's not realistic, anymore. I am the only one that has the power to make me happy. My mind and thoughts are mine. And nobody has the power to control that anymore. Nobody. i've finally found that comfort in myself that i spent almost six years looking for. And that's the best thing I've learned.</span><br />
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And my plan? To keep this up. I can't slip. Because I feel like I've taken the steps to personal growth. And that's so rewarding. I spent the last few months losing weight, trying to be a good wife, trying to raise up my kids. There's so many things I have accomplished this far in my life. And i'm happy with where I'm at. And I'm even happier now that I actually took the time to sit, and think. Nobody else may realize these little changes I've made, but the way that i feel is amazing. I feel like a whole new person. A whole better person. And that makes me feel so much lighter. So much happier. <3 my goal is to just keep this up, and to continue to learn from myself.</span><br />
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-Brandi</span>Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-10076947176209376102013-03-23T16:07:00.000-07:002013-03-23T16:27:05.211-07:00tattoo ; weightloss updates, and whatnot. :)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This tattoo may be cliche to you. It may just be a stupid song, four stupid words that I shouldn't have tattooed onto myself. But their meaning goes a whole lot deeper than that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I really should be the most bitter person in the entire world. I've been through so much shit in my short existence. I've been hurt to my core. Beaten down, thrown away like garbage, left alone, abandoned by people I thought loved me. I have enough anger, enough bitterness to let it completely consume me. And for a while, I did. I resented men. ALL men. I never completely trusted any man that even so much looked at me. I had been so violated by a man who claimed that loved me. And being that young and stupid, I believed it. For a while, I truly believed that all men were that way, and that I would just have to live my life that way. And not just that, I hurt for my children too. They were abandoned, too. And for a while, I used to believe it was all my fault. I spent so many years in an untrusting depression...trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with ME. I was convinced it was me. Like...maybe if I was thinner, prettier, funnier, more fun to be around...maybe men wouldn't treat me so badly. Maybe nobody would hurt me anymore. And I lived my life that way for YEARS. I don't even know what clicked into my brain that "this is bullshit" (pretty much what it came too). And I just started living for myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And this song. by Bright Eyes. No lies, just love. I stumbled upon it on an old CD I bought a few years prior, and never really listened to. I was driving by myself near the river when I let the whole song play through. Going through one of the darkest times in my entire life. I had just moved my things out my apartment AGAIN back into my parents house for the thousandth time. And I was clearing my head. And it came on, and I remember driving by the river, and just the words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so true. Every word. And I knew that I had to start being a better person. FOR ME. not for anyone else. And i truly had so much to offer someone. And to not let my passed consume me anymore. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I started figuring myself out. For so many years I was completely consumed by another person. A toxic person. A person who probably wouldn't spit on me if I were in flames. I forgot who I was in that mess. I started to reflect on myself, and what I wanted. Who I wanted to be. Becoming a better person, a better mother, a better me. I owed that much to myself. I couldn't let HIM win. I couldn't just succumb to that. I was way more worthy of a good life, and I no longer wanted him to steal that from me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then I met my husband. In the craziest, spur of the moment type encounter. I wasn't expecting anything of him, which made it way more exciting and fun. I went into this relationship with absolutely no expectation, with no intention of getting attached, with no reason to fall in love. And just something...happened. Which surprised me. I just let myself get really close to somebody, really quickly. And it just felt right. He's not perfect, and I'm not either. And its not always all happy peaches and cream ; but at the end of the day, I know he truly does love me, and appreciate me. Just as I feel the same way about him. I used to think I knew what love was, and he just came into my life at a point that I truly needed him. And i didn't think that I did. I let myself finally open up, let the walls fall down, and truly give somebody half my heart, knowing he could just break it. I may have so much baggage, and still have my moments, but I left my past in my past. He is seriously the best ever. I don't think I could ever give him enough credit for everything he truly does, and how much he truly means to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, the no lies, just love. I have been broken. And I have been untrusting, and I have made a hundred mistakes...I have been shattered, and to some, I may be just "used goods" because I come with so much baggage and heartbreak. I have hardly anything to offer to my husband. But I can promise him, forever and always, I may not be everything you ever dreamed of, but I can always offer you no lies, just love. For you, and for me, too. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">So when your new eyes meet mine, </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">they won't see no lies, </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">just love.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Just love. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I will be pure. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">No, no, I know i will be pure. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Like snow, like gold.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I've pretty much plateaued in my weight loss. I don't think I can literally get any smaller. I am currently 126 pounds. I've lost like 4 pounds or something in the last two weeks. But I don't think its possible to physically get ANY smaller. My rib cage is too wide, and my hip bones are too wide as well to really get any tinier. But as far as any extra "fat" goes, I really don't want to lose anymore of that. I don't want to lose my shape. I like the way I am shaped. I just like the compliments I currently get from my husband. He told me the other day "look how tiny you are!" and I literally smiled about it all day. It just made me feel good. So, I think I'm satisfied with it. When he first met me, I was just starting out...about mid way through. I had lost about 20 pounds when I met him. And even in the first photos of the two of us, you can tell a huge difference in me. I think he's happy with it, and (legally...) I don't have to please anyone else. If it's good for him, its good for me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I just have a lot to be happy about these days. I really honestly do <3</span></span><br />
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</span>Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-79913265103664808272013-03-18T15:59:00.001-07:002013-03-18T15:59:25.984-07:00Promise me, you'll leave the light on.Do you ever sit around and think about every small choice, every person you've talked too...every thing you've done in your life lead you where you are now? People seem to think that everything happens for a reason, or that you cannot test fate. But what if you can? <div>
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I mean why in the world do people go through so many terrible things? What kind of plan includes people suffering, and going through things that could almost push people to the brink of ending their own lives? What kind of lesson does that really teach you? I mean, some people are strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown their way. But according to "fate", even suicide is something unavoidable, if that's the path you are taken down from whatever fate you've been dealt. But why? I don't see how that could be some elaborate plan. More like a terrible decision you cannot undo.</div>
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I mean, people tell me all the time, after they really get to know me, how "strong" I am, how they don't know how I've done half the things I've done, and am still here talking to you. But I feel like 80% of what I've been through could have been completely unavoidable if I had made better decisions. I had the power to get myself out of a lot of situations I've been in, but I was always too weak, too stupid, or not willing to get out of them. There literally was a point in my life that I didn't care what happened to me. I just figured my life would never get any better, and nobody would even notice if I even existed anymore. But is that fate? Was I supposed to just give up, and give in to that? According to some people, yes. But according to me, that wasn't acceptable. I didn't want to succumb to some crappy life, living out of a car, getting drunk, not caring anymore. That wasn't a life. That was pitiful. Although I do not like to "victim blame" or even try prolonging a bad situation, what if I had just left when my parents offered me to leave the first time? I wouldn't have had a crappy two years where my life was just completely out of control. I would look in the mirror, and have no idea who I even was. I'd forgotten my identity. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't remember my favorite foods. I didn't even remember my birthday. I was just this shell of a person with nothing left. I gave all that to another person, and just lived that way. My parents offered me over and over again to come home, and get out of that before it was too late. And I never listened. I told myself my life was meant to be that way. And this dark period of my life just made me the person I am today. But it took a long time to get there. But...what if I had gone home? Then I wouldn't have such a sad story. I wouldn't have anybody to blame for robbing me of my last few years as a teenager. I would have been safely at home, with my parent's support. Not trapped in my own personal hell, where I had no rights. And I wouldn't have such a screwed up way of thinking. And I wouldn't feel so inadequate like I do. I wouldn't suffer with PTSD. I wouldn't suffer with trust. And I'd be completely normal. But no. I didn't do that. I figured that was my fate. And i accepted it, like you're supposed to. </div>
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But something in me clicked. Finally. To the relief of everyone who actually gave two shits about me. I stopped living with blinders on. I crawled on my hands and knees with my belongings on my back, and I got into my car. And I left. Just like that. Didn't tell anyone. Just did. And things were hard. REAL hard. Almost harder than they were when I actually lived that pathetic existence everyday. But it didn't last long, because I WENT BACK. This is where I'm pretty sure it wasn't fate anymore. And I just stepped in there, and did the opposite. But why? I still can't answer this question. I made it ten times worse.</div>
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But at some point I have to stop complaining, and just deal with it. And I think thats half my problem. I never did. I never coped with it. I just pushed it down into the pits of my stomach, and just pretended it didnt happen. I never did anything to help myself. I just moved to Salem, and pretended that I was okay. And never spoke of it again. I never really even got a chance to even open all the way up to my own husband to really let him KNOW what I went through. I've done enough to scratch the surface, but I want to be able to tell him. Because it shouldn't bother me anymore. But it does. And I feel like everyone is sick of me trying to deal with it. i'm sick of thinking about it. </div>
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but this gets me back to where i was trying to go before all of this just jumped off my fingertips.</div>
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Fate. People you meet. People you barely know. People you've only seen, but never talked to. All a part of your equation? And how do you test it?</div>
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Now, if I never moved to salem, i wouldn't have met half of the people there. (obviously). I would have never convinced others to move out there. I used to completely blame myself because WAY back in the day, like 2010ish I had been out there for a year. And people started coming out there because I was suggesting it to people who needed a place to live. Anyway, long story short...Dan ended up out there. And not too much longer after that...his now EX ended up out there, too. And the only reason SHE ended up there was because she asked me about it. And then, she moved in. Not even six months later, Dan was with her. (which i really felt like was my fault because i had helped her, in a way, get there. i remember talking with her about it...) and how it broke up his family, and just pretty much pissed everyone off who knew what was going on. and then, like a year or so later...I send Dan an innocent message...which ended up with exchanging numbers...which turned into a friendship...then beach trips...then, well, more (just use your imagination)...If I had never talked to that girl about moving to salem, and she started dating dan, and me messaging dan...i'd probably not be married. How weird is that to think about? Almost blows my mind. I never even thought about that before until today. Like how weird is that. I mean, I'm not necessarily proud of hurting people ; but it's just funny to me how all those small, little details brought me to where I am now. Happily married ; in love with my bestfriend...spending the rest of my life with somebody I never gave a second look. Just...nuts.</div>
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Was all that fate? Or did I stir the pot? You choose. :)</div>
Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-10038176426997493482013-03-03T18:29:00.001-08:002013-03-03T18:29:18.715-08:00it never gets easier?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Before and after. Last year I put on that bikini (on the left), and convinced myself I looked "decent." </div>
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And the bikini I will wear this year on the beach (on the right). </div>
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Even seeing it this way, I can obviously see that my body has improved, and i am so happy with that. I look skinnier, I feel healthier, I can tell my clothes fit differently. I don't have as many "wiggly" parts as I did last year. I can actually wear that style bottom and not feel like i'm too "fat." The scale says I currently weigh 127 pounds. My clothes say I wear a size four pant, and a small sized shirt. But my brain still sees me in a size 11, and weigh 170+ pounds. And society says I am<b> still not</b> what <i>beautiful </i>is.</div>
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How much more weight am I supposed to lose, until I can qualify myself as "pretty"? This is almost getting tiring. And I know this sounds ridiculous, like "oh jeeze shut up." But nobody warns you how you're supposed to feel after the weight is gone. Every thing I put into my body I am terrified will start adding up, and just make all my hard work be for nothing. It's exhausting. I know my body will never be "perfect." I mean, I've had two children. My children left their marks on my body. I have stretch marks, my stomach will be "forever round" and I cannot literally get it any flatter. And the area around my ribcage can not get any smaller without my ribs just sticking out, and looking sickly...but I just have this struggle in my brain like "just ten more pounds and I'll be better." "Let me drop just one more pants size and I'll be looking great!" And this is not healthy. It's almost like in my heart I am happy. But my brain is just NOT okay with how I look.</div>
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But nobody tells you that's what happens after a big weight loss. Everyone makes it look like "you lose weight, you just love what you see" its like my body and my brain haven't been able to meet in the same place yet and come to agreement that we are happy as a whole. </div>
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But I guess my answer to all of this? Just screw it. I was never meant to be a model type. I am 5'2. I was born to have a fuller figure. I will never be a blonde. I will never have blue eyes. I will never be what "society" and main stream media says I need to be to be perfect. I do not have the figure of a 12 year old boy. At like 11 years old, I was the first girl in my class to develop an hourglass figure, and become curvy. (thanks genetics) I have a thicker figure than most people I know, and this is how I was destined to be. I have a small waist, and fuller hips. In my opinion (and I am picky), most women should WANT a figure like mine. It's what the 50s used to tell us was perfect. When did a 12 year old boy body become "sexy"? I see women on the beach with absolutely NO curve to their shape. I see women with no ass, just switching in their walk like they had anything to shake anywhere. I've NEVER looked like that. I don't even think I looked like that in 6th grade. And I'm finally starting to let myself be okay with that. </div>
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Now just to convince my brain of this... But I'll get there, someday. =/</div>
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<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-77760745141144863512013-02-08T08:55:00.000-08:002013-02-08T08:55:26.152-08:00=]I've been working on myself the last few days. I ignored my phone, my texts...half my friends ; I just wanted to sit in, be a hermit, and really start working on ME. I can't be the person I truly want to be when my mind is distracted, and full of just self crippling thoughts. I don't know why I put myself down, and doubt myself. My pain lately has been unbearable, and after trying for days to be a superwoman, I just succumbed to it. I began lashing out at everyone around me. I began being very angry, and resentful of my husband. Totally unfair. Totally not okay. And in turn, he reacted, and wasn't very nice to me, either. I let my mind wander. I let my body take my mind hostage. And it's not hard to do when the pain is so unbearable and you feel so miserable, you just automatically get in such a funk, and don't even want to function.<br />
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I just start getting so down, and start feeling like "maybe this is all in my head". And then I start feeling almost crazy. Like I was sitting here in my house just calling out for help, and crying out and acting like almost a baby because I couldn't get anyone to <i>get </i>it. And I started slipping into such a depression that I sometimes just didn't want to get out of bed. My body felt like it was starting to fail me. And my mind started failing me, too. It was like I couldn't control any of my words, or actions. And then I blamed it on how shitty I felt. Which is excusable, I guess...but still doesn't make it right.<br />
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I was becoming short tempered with my kids...and just felt like I was losing my mind over the silliest things. I was mad at them for just being...well, kids. The pain was getting so bad that I just didn't want to be bothered. But I'm a mother, first and foremost, and I was letting that slide so bad. And that wasn't fair to them. I sat, and I reflected for a while, and realized that I was just going about everything all wrong. I wasn't being the mother that I know I am. And I started just getting myself back out of my funk, and started focusing better on them. Caden came home the other day and painted me a picture that said "I LOVE MOM" and honestly, it almost made me cry. It made me realize that I am getting better, and that he really does love me, and appreciates me, even when I'm going through so much in my own body, and mind.<br />
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But yesterday, I got a shower, put on real clothes (i spent so many days in a pair of yoga pants with nappy hair) & straightened my hair, and just felt better. I straightened my hair, did all my laundry, made a decent dinner, played with my kids. It just put me in a better mood, all around. I got everything off my chest that I had to say to my husband. I feel...better. I feel in a better place. I feel like now I am in better control of everything. I am scared that it's going to get back to that point again, so I have reached out to my pain management doctors. I can't really afford the medication that I need to get, but they have decided they are willing to work with me so that I can get my relief. They don't want me to be in pain. They don't want me to go back into the whole depression mode that I was in for almost a week straight due to it. And that was great to hear. I'm glad that I'll be able to still get my doctor's visits and medicine without going broke to get it.<br />
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I just feel like me again. I feel happy. I feel in a better mindset. I feel bad that I basically blew everyone off for almost a week...but sometimes you just don't need distractions from anyone when you feel so shitty. And I'm sorry if I left you hanging. But i just needed this week. To sit and think. To be alone. To really fix me.<br />
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But yeah. Feeling much better. In a better place. feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally...just...better. :)<br />
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-brandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-89468032158088847572013-02-07T08:18:00.002-08:002013-02-07T08:18:30.913-08:00relationship bullshit.Relationships are so full of contradictions. And seeing what I have gone through, and what others go through, there is one thing that is always the same ; the woman has to bear every consequence.<br />
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Let me explain ;<br />
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If a relationship/marriage is rocky, why is it completely excusable for the man to go seek happiness elsewhere, and its supposed to be a "wake up call" for a woman who is also just as unhappy in a relationship? But if the woman does it, she's a slut, a whore, and she's worthless, and the man will NOT excuse it, yet blame her for making things worse...but it's supposed to be completely fine if he does it?<br />
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This I don't understand.<br />
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Why is the woman's job in the relationship to make sure the house is happy, the man is happy, and everything is good. And why is it if the man isn't putting in the same amount of effort, he then blames her when things aren't "perfect"? Now, I'm no superhuman. I can bear a lot. I can withstand a lot of emotional pain. I can smile, and put on a happy face even when I'm breaking apart inside. But this behavior is just NOT okay. It takes two people to make a happy home, not just one. But so much is put on a woman to be make everything okay...while the man takes a backseat, and doesn't ever have to put so much effort into anything.<br />
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I don't know if this is a society thing, where society has made it okay, and so many broken women have just laid down and died, and let men do terrible things to them. I can't think of one woman who hasn't had her heart completely broken. But the patterns we learn from relationships very early on, is that if things aren't great, its all her fault, and a man is given a hall pass to go out, find another partner...whether emotional, or physical, to get her to "wake up and be a better partner." This is disgusting. And it shouldn't be this way. It's a double standard. You hear about cheating men ALL the time, and it's "well he's a man, and that's what men do if their house is unhappy." But if a woman does it? "Oh what a slut, she's so disgusting." why? Why isn't a relationship an even playing field?<br />
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I am grown now. I am married now. I see things a whole lot differently now that I have gotten older, and in a sense, settled down. I have learned a lot. Even in marriage ; it seems like it's put on a woman's shoulders to run a smooth house, dress nice, stay attractive, do everything to make her man happy, no complaining, say everything right, don't argue... it seems like men have been taught an early age that you put everything on a woman. I don't think that's a great mindset to have. I just...don't. I don't agree with that. I would honestly feel like I failed as a mom if Caden grew up, and treated a woman like crap. I want him to completely adore his girlfriend, and future wife. I want him to be patient, and kind, and understand that it's not her job to make him happy...but equally his job to make sure she is happy, too. I grew up, and watched my dad treat my mom like a queen. The two of them never argued in front of me and my sister. He worked hard, he came home every night. He didn't expect too much of my mom. He appreciated her. Sent her flowers just because. Even when me or my sister had a bad day, he would bring us home a surprise, or something just to make us smile. My mom mom had four boys. And she taught all four of them to respect a woman, and to treat them right. My mom seriously lucked out with him. I haven't met anyone who has even come close to the man my father is.<br />
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I can honestly say, that I have never cheated on any of my partners. Even when I was being put through hell and back, I stayed completely faithful. It wasn't until I was thrown out, that I began to seek somebody. I don't believe that you just get "bored" and throw away what you have already in your life. You work on it, you fight for it, and you appreciate every experience you've gone through, good or bad. You pick your partner for a reason ; and you can't just love them when times are great. But, this takes two people to want it. You can't expect your partner to change everything for you. You have to be the partner you want your partner to be to you. That's how marriages stay strong. So many marriages fall apart because one party is too stubborn to admit they need to change. It's about compromise. And getting back what you give. I refuse to treat somebody with the utmost respect if I do not get it back. That goes for anybody. I can't change another person. I can only control what I do and say. And so many people do not realize that.<br />
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I just see so many unhappy people. So many marriages breaking up. So many people who don't have the energy to work on anything. Now, some people are just not supposed to be together ; yes. But the ones who have made the commitment to get married, and legally take their partner on ; you picked that for a reason. Stop getting divorced. Stop blaming each other when things are bad. If it's not working, it's not automatically a woman's job to make it all better ; you are to blame too. And women, you need to quit letting men tell you that.<br />
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-BrandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-86788708815892483062013-02-02T15:47:00.000-08:002013-02-02T15:47:07.301-08:00Letting go.I guess I am just not meant to have the approval from the only person I'm really looking for.<br />
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I'm getting sick of always being the bad guy. I'm not a bad person like I'm always made out to be. I'm getting tired of taking all blame in situations that are not 100% my fault.<br />
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I admit, I can be really hard to get along with. I know this. I've accepted this, and I've tried to strive to be a better person so that it didn't have to always be this way. But at this point, I can't change into somebody I am not. I cannot take full blame in things that I did not do alone. It takes two people to have an argument. So why with you, is it so one sided, and always made to make me look bad?<br />
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I'm not 16 anymore. I don't have any real reason to lie to you. Just because I don't always do the things I plan on doing, doesn't make me a liar. Just because sometimes things come up, and plans change, doesn't mean I'm a huge liar and do things just to intentionally hurt you. You see me still as this stupid little kid who doesn't want to get caught, and that's not me anymore. You don't pay my bills, you don't put food on my table, and you don't get the authority to run my life, anymore. I've flown your coop many years ago. It's time you start seeing me as a young adult, somebody who has a life. Somebody who's grown up. Somebody who doesn't want to have so much friction with you...somebody's who getting sick of taking the brunt end of all your anger.<br />
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And in this process, my children are hurt. They are crushed. The things you said, will probably sit with them for a while. I spent my day reassuring my children that they are not to blame, and you were not angry with them. But it's crushing to them when they completely idolize you. I don't hurt for myself, because honestly, i'm old enough to know by now, that we will never have a normal, healthy relationship...no matter how much I want that from you. It just will NOT happen. You have grown to truly deep down hate me. And it's obvious. I know that I didn't make your life easy, either. I know that I have put you through hell. I know that I was an extremely rebellious teenager, and many nights you probably didn't sleep because you didn't know what to do with me. But at this point in my life, I cannot take that back. I can't. And I can't apologize for it any longer. I am not that person anymore. But honestly, I will not be disrespected. I will not answer the phone and be yelled at. I will not listen when you tell me how wrong I am, when I'm not. You just don't like it when anyone disagrees with you. And you turn into the victim..even when you start it. I didn't start this with you.<br />
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But as always, there were no witnesses to what happened, and of course I will be bashed. You will manipulate the situation as to where you are completely right, and I was completely wrong. And for that, our relationship will suffer, once again. But you need to realize, that YOU are wrong. I can take blame when I know I've done wrong. And yes, maybe I shouldnt have said some things I said. But maybe you shouldn't have, either. But you never stop to think about that. It's always ways to make ME look bad. It's always ways to make it look like you're this sweet, innocent person, and I'm this terrible bully who just says things to be mean and nasty. That's not it. You were angry before I even showed up there, because I didn't want to talk to you on the phone, and hear you tell me how much of a liar I am, and how I just can't do anything right. I don't have to listen to that. I don't. And I have every right to remove myself from that situation. But what YOU did was wrong. That is no way to handle anything. But, I'm pretty sure your story is completely different than what actually happened. And that's the way it always is.<br />
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I'm just...tired. I'm tired of trying. I am tired of thinking that things could ever change. They won't change. It doesn't matter anymore. You don't want a relationship with me, and it's about time I accept that. I didn't want to before. I tried to get you to like me. Bringing you lunch ; coming over just to say hi. It wasn't ever good enough. You just hate me. And I will never have your approval. And whatever, I guess it's time I just start realizing that. It hurts, but I guess this is the way it really needs to be.<br />
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I appreciate everything you have done for me. But at this point, I need to stop trying. Whenever you're ready, I guess you'll be ready. Until then, we don't have to speak. I am beyond disgusted. And I'm beyond exhausted trying to get anything to work out. I love you always. But I just can't do this anymore.<br />
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-BrandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-44404709063930949422013-02-01T15:31:00.000-08:002013-02-01T15:31:07.244-08:00being honest with myself.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> You like to think you're never wrong ;</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> (You live what you've learned).</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> You have to act like you're someone ;</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> (You live what you've learned).</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> You want someone to hurt like you ;</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> (You live what you've learned).</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> You want to share what you have been through ;</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> (You live what you've learned).</span></span><br />
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I heard these lyrics today. This is from a song that I actually forgot about. But Pandora suggested I listen to it, and honestly, it really just describes exactly what's going on in my life right now.<br />
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But I find myself being exactly like this sometimes. When Dan and I argue, I am a very defensive, angry, straight up nasty person. I say terrible things I do not mean. My anger almost turns on a light switch somewhere in my body, and I snap into this person that I do not even recognize. And it's not just to him ; it's to everyone that i come in contact with. I have hurt many people with the way that I can be when I am angry. My mom must have gotten the brunt end of all my anger. I just...say things that are awful, and completely inexcusable. Things that just shoot out of my mouth. Things I do not think about. Things that come from this almost dark, evil part of my brain.<br />
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And I seriously cannot control it. I have tried. I have tried to walk away from confrontation. I have tried to just go into another room. I have tried going outside. But, I don't know. My anger just takes over, and this part of me just emerges, and I actually feel almost a thrill. I feel powerful when I am angry. I get this...rush. It's almost like an adrenaline rush, and then I cannot remember anything else. I just like picking apart my opponent.<br />
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But it's what I've learned. I was the victim of somebody's else's anger. And I guess after being so beaten down, I've picked up that dirty habit of being the aggressor. Because in the back of my brain, sometimes I can associate anger with love, and relationships. I learned this behavior. It is almost like a second nature type of thing. When there is confrontation, become a bigger aggressor. I saw this behavior for years. It's almost drilled into my head now. I do not want to be the victim anymore. And it doesn't matter if the argument is over something dumb like something misplaced, or a huge argument over finances...I just take it too far...too many times.<br />
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But honestly, I think it's time that i stop letting everything in my past dictate how my future goes. I didn't ask for anyone to treat me like that, and in turn, I have started treating people that I love very dearly the same way. And that's not fair.<br />
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I didn't ask to be treated like that, and nobody deserves being treated that way, either. I don't like being that nasty, vile person. That's not who I am, and I've come way too far to succumb to something like that now.<br />
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I am a wonderful person. I have so much love. I have so much light. I have so much to offer anybody. I have to let go of the many ties that used to bind me to being a very bitter, and sad person. That is not my life anymore. I chose a life for not only me, but for my children to be free of people who hurt us, and people who use us. I have a wonderful relationship with somebody I genuinely love, and I (hope) genuinely loves me too.<br />
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I just need to take this one day at a time. It took almost six years to learn this stuff, and although i've been out of that situation for a long time now ; the scars are still there. And I don't want to lose what I have because of that. I lost a huge chunk of who I was because of all that stuff I had already been through.<br />
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I don't think anybody can really understand what I'm saying, or totally get what I'm trying to say here...unless they've been there. I mean, I am already so much judged for my past. And I am not proud of it either. But you just don't get out of a relationship that was so extremely abusive, and get out without any scars, or any triggers. It's still so very real in my mind...even though so much time has passed. I have many many triggers...and things that just set me right back to where I used to be. Anger is one of them. I don't know how to process anger. Another thing, is self-loathing. Some days, for absolutely no reason at all, I will just be in this really terrible mood, and just feel completely inadequate. And nothing really brings it on. Sometimes just a small little joke can just make me SO incredibly sensitive.<br />
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But, I completely tons of therapy in my past, and without that, I don't think I would have been half the person I am now. I'm still incredibly flawed, and yeah, I have my moments...but I have come a LONG long way. I have learned how to trust. I have learned how to love. I have overcome alot of things in five years. I have become a stronger, way more understanding person. I have SO much empathy for people I never had before. And I have learned how to just...be a better person. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle within their lives...and I have learned that sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on can make all the difference in the world. I have become the change that I want to see in the world...<br />
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I just have to be honest with myself, and take responsibility for how much my anger can just be...cruel. That is one thing I really want to work on this year. I want to let go of everything that comes along with that. And honestly, I think I'm completely capable. I'm just not so sure where to start.<br />
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-BrandiBrandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-83270497337310615182013-01-28T15:29:00.004-08:002013-01-28T15:29:57.108-08:00Not a single pound...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have <b>not gained </b>ONE SINGLE POUND since my journal started last May. NOT ONE! That means, all 53 pounds that I have lost since then...not one has managed to find it's way back onto my body. :)</div>
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I have found finally the secret to balancing. I am able to eat foods I still like to eat, in moderation. I am not actively "dieting" anymore, but I am not constantly splurging, either. For the first three months all I did was diet, diet, and more dieting. Then, I started slowing eating other foods, just once in a while. Now, I think I have finally figured out how to eat what I want, and still maintain my weight loss. </div>
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And that's an amazing feeling. I don't have to worry as much as I did before. My last weigh in (about a week ago, the scale said 127) so that means that I have not had to watch myself so closely. I didn't want to "shock" my body into just thinking that raw foods, and diet food was all I would give it, because for some reason, I was afraid that I wouldnt ever be able to eat anything "normal". But I guess, most importantly, I did what most would call a "lifestyle" change.</div>
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Because honestly, the "secret" of losing weight, really isnt a huge secret. Don't eat as much, and you won't weigh as much. But that doesnt mean to deprive yourself of foods you really want to eat. It means, "have a slice of pizza...but not three." "have a french fry...but not 100" just being completely careful of every calorie you're eating.</div>
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And what most people don't realize, is that your day's biggest calorie consumption, is what you're drinking. There are SO many calories in teas, sodas, juices...and people don't realize that because most think "well its a drink, no biggie" but it is!! You have to consider your calorie intake even with what you're drinking. I found that when I stopped drinking so much sweet tea, I not only felt better, but the weight started almost melting off. I exchanged sweet tea for diet sodas, water, flavored water (be careful with these, some have ALOT of calories) & gatorades. Less calories, but still satisfied my sweet tooth. I can't drink plain water...too much of it is way too boring, for me.</div>
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I also became aware of what I was eating while out in a restaurant. Instead of getting something full of fats, and a huge portion..I'll either get something small, or still order something full of fat, but watch how much of it I'm eating. Too many times in the past I would sit down in a restaurant, and eat EVERYTHING on my plate because I didnt care, or was too distracted by conversation. Now, I'm lucky if I eat even a half of whats on my plate. I'm more aware. This is the biggest thing that is going to keep you going. You need to watch yourself. </div>
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I can with complete honesty say, that I DO not snack often, or ever, really. I don't eat while watching TV throughout the day. I don't eat before I go to sleep anymore. More aware. I find other things to do with my hands so I don't feel tempted. I have fun apps on my phone to keep me distracted...I play with my kids...I cook stuff for other people. I eat my three square meals a day, and thats that. I do not sneak food like I used to. I cut all those bad habits out.</div>
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I learned how to control myself. For me, this has become second nature, the little tricks i've taught myself. It keeps me motivated. And I love looking at myself in the mirror. I'm so excited (for the first time in a LONG time) to go bikini shopping for summer! I can't wait to get myself into one of those itty bitty bikinis with the tie up sides. (I havent owned one since high school). As soon as I see myself in something like that, I'm going to feel like all this has been worth it. </div>
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I seriously cannot wait. And I'm sorry for bragging...but dammit I'm so proud of myself. For the first time ever, I have self control. I have a body that I'm proud of. And I just feel really damn good!</div>
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-Brandi</div>
<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-10941830328737725482013-01-24T06:50:00.001-08:002013-01-24T06:50:14.926-08:00Happy Birthday Caden!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiby7vfyrcWgdTKug_0BmXVbkcrxNY9MZ_GfYdU75qpRpExZ4Z-IT4mauwEXkYEFb_1ffWSRzgYZFL3KXp6JWWCkt15JAcgj99p1cKcVyfUPe2w8Ed2u7I0I2sC3vwbo95tCIXupVFrsg/s1600/nicucaden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiby7vfyrcWgdTKug_0BmXVbkcrxNY9MZ_GfYdU75qpRpExZ4Z-IT4mauwEXkYEFb_1ffWSRzgYZFL3KXp6JWWCkt15JAcgj99p1cKcVyfUPe2w8Ed2u7I0I2sC3vwbo95tCIXupVFrsg/s1600/nicucaden.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>the first time I ever saw Caden as entire person. <3</b></span></div>
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<b>January 25th 2007</b>. Just another day for most people. But for me, its the day my entire life changed, forever.<br />
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At <b>3:55am</b>, after a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult labor, Caden Zane entered the world. The room was full with at least 40 doctors and nurses. There was no standing room left in that delivery room. But he was here. He was blue and purple, non responsive, and silent. I couldn't see anything because so many people were in the way. I remember my high risk doctor, Dr. Fischer still between my legs cleaning me up, and assuring me that everything was okay. He looked me in the eyes and told me "I did what I had to do, I kept you pregnant, and the baby safe, now that new team is going to take care of him, I promise." After what seemed like an eternity, and my many pleas of "let me see my baby!" ; Caden finally took his real first breath, and began crying. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. Dr. Fischer was crying, my mom was crying, I was crying. It was the happiest I think I'd ever felt in my entire life. They immediately bundled him up, and stuck him in an isolette. I begged over and over for me to see him. Dr. Fischer told the crew to wheel him over by my bed for a few seconds so I could at least see what he looked like. He was completely bundled up, and all I could see was his eyes, they were open, and looking all over the place. I could see his silky black hair peeking out of the hat he was wearing. I couldn't touch him. And I just wanted so badly to scoop my sweet baby boy out of that isolette and just cuddle him. But he had to go straight to the NICU and be prepped for his first surgery.<br />
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So many people must have came and went out of my room that morning. I had to sign permission for everything Caden touched in the NICU. I had to sign for blood transfusions, surgery, breathing equipment, medication... So overwhelming. I never thought that I would have been in that situation. But there I was. And my baby boy's life hung in the balance.<br />
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I had to wait another 8 hours to see him again. I didn't even know if he had all 10 fingers and toes. I remember Dr. Holtzer (his surgeon) coming into my room at about 10am, and told me the surgery had went well. Everything was back inside where it needed to be, but they couldn't close his skin, and he would need another surgery. I had to wait another hour after that to be able to see him. I remember getting wheeled into the NICU for the first time. Scrubbing up, gowning up... Caden was all the way in the back of the NICU. In a room called hummingbird. He was the first baby on the right, right by the door. There he was. All of him. Under so many machines it would have made your head spin. He was completely unconscious, in a coma, so he wouldn't feel any pain. He was beautiful. Silky black hair, two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes... He was real. And I could touch him for the very first time. There he was. The baby I had fought so hard to keep in my belly, alive. The baby who kicked my insides. The baby would doctors didn't believe would make it to his birthday. And there he was. So beautiful. The sound of the ventilator keeping him breathing was almost like a lullaby. And he just looked so peaceful. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I had never wanted something so badly in my life, and here it was. Just...overwhelming. The very best moment of my life.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3udeVUG-wYwhFv9viWUVROX-tSj6UJCI_pMnSGa3JAPAURxtp_F4_OUjr7cyuMUmsrN8fgt6ADBGDMdfOgUi4Vwcylr38snxJajQZBYAdT6DxWgC_b3_6wAzz9h_lKd7O3pa-fWsVHQ/s1600/cpapcaden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3udeVUG-wYwhFv9viWUVROX-tSj6UJCI_pMnSGa3JAPAURxtp_F4_OUjr7cyuMUmsrN8fgt6ADBGDMdfOgUi4Vwcylr38snxJajQZBYAdT6DxWgC_b3_6wAzz9h_lKd7O3pa-fWsVHQ/s1600/cpapcaden.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>my little astronaut on his CPAP machine. <3</b></span></div>
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And he spent the next 28 days there.<br />
After another surgery, a few setbacks, and tons of scary days...He came home. Another milestone that most doctors never thought he'd reach. I was able to pack him up, and take him home.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixJOI7SZtz0fNCBzdWQT3IjX3EaOP2wJ9KMrdgAYF-YjFgUb9XcaQQ5xqNp8RwTZ56_SyI4IKlJvg0a4Ky_EGqHWQLNjV0oyVuQ9heoQuVBk6d8rTGTAmXH7b0Kd7B7WToUGQZn0r0yA/s1600/brandicaden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixJOI7SZtz0fNCBzdWQT3IjX3EaOP2wJ9KMrdgAYF-YjFgUb9XcaQQ5xqNp8RwTZ56_SyI4IKlJvg0a4Ky_EGqHWQLNjV0oyVuQ9heoQuVBk6d8rTGTAmXH7b0Kd7B7WToUGQZn0r0yA/s320/brandicaden.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>First day home <3</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAUIyKOzX-toiEWb9KpCLPo88KdIqNiU5l1Ss3Pz946NzOUNbY0TYhmD_Zak9E4btQJKb_GOwgYX8E4EXogQSOmEBI-FJJfUhTfdL2xffT_K94vsGnVsBo0xdZdLTvXzb5iRhfDGW6wQ/s1600/TPhoto_00014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAUIyKOzX-toiEWb9KpCLPo88KdIqNiU5l1Ss3Pz946NzOUNbY0TYhmD_Zak9E4btQJKb_GOwgYX8E4EXogQSOmEBI-FJJfUhTfdL2xffT_K94vsGnVsBo0xdZdLTvXzb5iRhfDGW6wQ/s320/TPhoto_00014.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>being silly with mommy <3</b></span></div>
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So happy 6th birthday, baby boy. 6 whole years. Another year that doctors weren't even sure you'd be here. Another milestone. Another 365 days that were never promised to you. And here you are. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than every grain of sand on every beach on every corner of the earth. I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without you, Caden. We kind of grew up together. I wasn't in any way ready for you, but you came with a bang, and showed me how to be a mom. You made me a mother. You're the most special little boy in the whole world. I am so proud to be your mommy. You're so smart. You're so crazy. You make life so much more interesting and fun. You're the very best thing that could have happened to me. And I have so much love for you. I love being silly with you, and I love hearing all your little jokes you tell me! I love hearing about your day at school. I love seeing how excited you get when you get a good color in school. I love the pictures you draw me.<b> I love YOU!</b> You make me so happy. And I will continue to be the very best mommy I can be to you. I love you son. Today, tomorrow, and for always. <3<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>first day of school <3</b></span></div>
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<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-14080034330301879222013-01-21T14:27:00.002-08:002013-01-21T14:27:54.735-08:00wife swap.So I got caught up watching a wife swap marathon today...which of course got me thinking about what would happen if I were to ever be on the show.<br />
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I'd most likely end up in a family full of religious, gun toting, bible reading people with a husband who does most of the household chores while the mother homeschooled...in a huge lavish house, who thinks race car driving in a sin, and has absolutely no social life.<br />
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And the woman who ended up here would be thrown into a world of endless house work, playing referee between to unruly children (who break everything), being the maid of the entire house, going on late night crazy adventures with a crew full of car fanatics, stuffed into a little two bedroom apartment.<br />
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And I'm not even sure what that kind of family could teach me. Maybe a more "wholesome" lifestyle...or maybe more patience, (most days, I have none). Maybe she could teach me how to make a schedule, and stick to it...or maybe how to be more organized? I'm definitely not sure what ANY woman could learn from me. Maybe how to have more fun? Learn how to carry a pair of slicks up a flight of stairs? Learn what a supercharger looks like? Learn how to let her kids be kids? I'm really not sure.<br />
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I'd miss my crazy life. I get caught up daydreaming about all the material things I wish I had, and all the money in the world, and what I would do with it...and even if I got to pretend that was my life for two weeks, I'd miss my humble little life. As much as I hate talking about cars, and all their dumb mods, I'd miss talking with Dan about that late at night. I'd miss making food for my family. I'd miss picking up my kids mess...hell, I'd even miss putting my kids in the corner, and getting nighttime snuggles.<br />
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Although it would be pretty rad to go life a lavish life. But with my luck, the other family would suck, and be cheesy and lame as hell. And wouldn't get my life at all. I think I live a really good, fun little life with my husband, and my kids. We always find something fun to do, even when there's nothing to do. Dan and I are really fun, and laugh ALL the time. The other husband would probably be super uptight, and not get a joke. I can call Dan all types of names, and pick on him constantly, and he just gets it, and we can have a great time. And the new wife would probably be so structured and crazy, and drive everyone in my house crazy.<br />
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I think at the rules change, the first thing that would change for Dan, would be he's not allowed to talk about car related things anymore, and he has to learn how to do the dishes. (Which, would be okay...for a little while.) But then that wouldn't be "us" anymore. She'd probably make him learn how to cook, and how to do more housework than just taking out the garbage...and I think how nice that would probably be at first, but I'd get bored of that.<br />
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I like my house, my rules, and most importantly, my husband just the way they all are. I wouldn't want for anyone else to come in here and tell us how to live. I don't think I'd be open to trying anything new...which could probably make for great show ratings because I'd most likely be raising hell the entire time. (And knowing my husband, he'd probably be doing the same thing over here in my absence...) I think I couldn't ever let myself be in that situation, because I wouldn't appreciate it, or want to learn from it. I don't like people telling me that my ways are wrong. And to most families, or people, my life might be wrong. I might be making every parental mistake there could possibly be. And many other wives might think the way that I support Dan's car stuff is dumb, and I shouldn't encourage his behavior when it comes to all the racing he likes doing... but this is my life. And I'm so happy this is my life. I love all the time I get to spend with everyone in my family. I love the things we do together. As much as I get tired of playing pit crew to my husband, and losing an entire closet to car stuff, and tires...I'm glad this is what we do. I love the way my life is. And I really wouldn't want to walk in anyone else's shoes...and I wouldn't want anyone else in my house telling me I am wrong.Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-11712700720322569562013-01-16T11:53:00.000-08:002013-01-16T11:53:34.905-08:00Dear Dan.I'm not even sure where to even start.<br />
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I'm sorry. I know that half of the things I do, and say are completely unnecessary, and sometimes just down right crazy. I know. I can't really change the person that I've changed into since the last time I was completely broken apart, and left pretty much on my own. It's not your fault. You didn't do any of that. But it's not easy for me to let anyone love me, as much as I <b>want</b> you to love me. It's all so hard for me to let someone have half my heart, and give them the complete power to break it.<br />
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I wish that I could let all of my walls come down. And honestly, you're the <i>only one</i> in a really long time to have gotten mostly all of them knocked down. You're the first person I let get that close to me in such a short period of time. I never wanted to admit it, but I fell in love with you way before you even knew if you wanted to be with me long term. You gave me complete butterflies, and that crazy feeling in the pit of my gut the first night I spent with you. After the trip to the beach, I was done. You were something I never wanted to be a part of, but I couldn't imagine what my life would have been if I didn't take that chance.<br />
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You are just..amazing. You've been nothing but perfect to me. I know that more than 90% of the arguments that we have, are all my fault, and my own insecurities getting the best of me. You are not to blame for that. It is something that I have struggled with for many years, and something that I will probably need to continue working on. You know the crazy things that I've endured in my adult life. You know how scared I am to let anyone really love me. And I am so used to doing everything completely on my own, and not answering to anyone, and doing whatever I want to do, and saying whatever I want...because I was able to get away with it for so long. You have shown me that life cannot be that way, and that I cannot be the strongest, hardest person in the world. I am human. And all of the things you have shown me humble me, and make me want to be a better person. Not just for you, but for myself, too.<br />
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I know that none of this is an excuse for how I can really be sometimes. I know that it is something that you do not want to hear, most of the time. I know that we have all been hurt. I know that somebody has broken your heart before, too. And I know most of this just sounds like a complete cop out as to why I do the things that I do. But it's second nature for me to have doubts, anymore. I have been completely faithful and true to many past lovers, only to have been too blinded by love, to be hurt. And I know that it's not your fault, because you have never given me a reason to doubt you. I want to be better. I want to be able to just be completely okay, and let myself love you openly as much as I truly do love you.<br />
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I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I appreciate everything that you have done for the kids. You took me on, knowing I had kids... Kids who have been through some pretty rough stuff, as well as me, too. You were able to come into all of our lives, and just show us all kinds of love, and take all of us on. It takes a really strong minded man to want to get involved in all of my baggage. I know that I carry alot of it.<br />
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I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you. Nobody told me how hard this was going to be. Nobody warns you how rough a marriage can really be. I can't sit here and say that everything is so horrible and bad, but I know that there is room for improvement. And I know that I need to work on myself, to be able to really be the person that you truly need me to be. I seriously cannot imagine my life without you, and when I stood there and said my vows, I meant them. I will always love you. I love you when things are good, and I love you when things are bad. I will love you until my very last breath. You mean the absolute world to me. And I am just so sorry for being so damn blind and selfish sometimes.<br />
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For whatever it is worth,<br />
-Brandi<br />
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<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-79579237516460022182013-01-15T08:38:00.002-08:002013-01-15T08:38:58.242-08:00A quick look into my complex mind."You're German, don't forget that." - wise words of my father after a heart to heart we had last night. <div>
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I like to think of myself as a strong person. I like to think of myself as very opinionated, and anyone who comes in contact with me, will probably tell you the same thing. I am stubborn, I am opinionated, and I stand behind whatever I say, even if people want to convince me I am 100% wrong. I get a lot of slack for many of the opinions I've formed in my adult life. I think because I've experienced so much, and been through many things other people could probably not even imagine, it's made me a very stubborn, and very opinionated individual. And I'm okay with that. Nobody has to agree with me. But don't make me feel stupid for thinking what I think, either. I've lived in a car. I've been poor. I've had nothing but the clothes on my back. I used to have to hustle everything I had just to survive. I've had to take showers in a truck stop. I've been very jaded, and learned very quickly that life just isn't fair. And I've formed some pretty strong opinions about life.</div>
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I think the biggest place I get most slack for these things would be on any type of social media. I've been a member of a forum for a few years now, and most people that I've met there know what I believe in, and even call me into certain posts to really lay down what I think about most situations. And I think I have a very complex thought process. I do not believe what most media sources tell me. I do not trust law enforcement, or even my government. I do not vote in any kind of election. I try and keep what I really think about certain things very deep down inside, because I don't want anyone to be offended by these crazy thoughts I have in my crazy mind. </div>
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But sometimes people do ask, and this is where this blog comes from. You wanted my feelings on things, and I'll tell you.</div>
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So, the list of controversial things I have weird opinions on...here goes.</div>
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<b>Abortion.</b></div>
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I believe that abortion should be legal, and stay that way. The government should keep their hands off my body. I am allowed to do whatever I want with a fetus growing inside MY uterus. Abortion should be easy to obtain, and partially covered by insurance policies. It should stay legal in every circumstance at whatever gestation. Now, I know that sounds very wrong, seeing as I am a mother of two children. But, pro-choice, and "pro-abortion" are two different things. I am more on the side of pro choice. And that goes into issues like choosing to abort, choosing to adopt out, or choosing to keep the baby. Pro-abortion groups lean more toward aborting a pregnancy, and leaving no other option. Most pro-abortion groups feel that adoption is not "emotionally" safe for women because they change their minds, and want to keep a pregnancy they didn't want in the first place. I do not believe that. I think more clinics need to push every option, not just abortion. There are some abortion clinics who do not even offer any kind of counseling to women who are seeking an abortion. The only reason I know this, is because way back when, I was about 16 years old, and the morning after pill had just come out onto the market. And this was back before you could get them at drug stores, and it was two pills, and a bunch of anti-vomiting pills. I went to the Cherry Hill clinic, walked past a bunch of Christian groups who told me I was nothing but a sinner and burning in hell for going in there, and I wasn't even there for an abortion. I didn't need parental consent to obtain the pills. I needed to get an exam, and was escorted into a room full of pregnant women who were there for abortions. These women were scared, they didn't know what to expect, and nobody talked to them about anything. We all sat there in our paper gowns, waiting on a doctor. I remember a girl who looked about my age who was there for an abortion. She was 8 weeks along. And she was terrified. They wouldn't let any men back there, so her boyfriend wasn't with her. She knew she wanted the abortion, but nobody came back there to check on any of us, and she said she didn't know what was going to happen. I think pre-abortion counseling is something that clinics need to have put in place. If a woman wants to obtain an abortion, there shouldn't be a stigma. And that's what most women there were so afraid of. I think if there was somebody in there with all of the women who were there for termination, giving them the complete information on what was going to happen, it wouldn't be so scary, and these women wouldn't feel like they were doing something wrong, and on top of that, feel informed that the choice they were making was not only 100% legal, but also safe, and they were going to be okay. I do not believe that doctors should also tell a woman what is best for her, and be able to give her all the information she needs to make a good decision, and support her decision. And offer lots of support. </div>
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<b>Religion. </b></div>
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I am not a religious person. I was not raised that way. I do not think that the morals my parents tried to raise me with are any different than a child raised in a church. I don't think my dad ever has stepped foot in a church. My mom tried to get us to go, but it wasn't something we had to do. My dad raised me to stand for what I believe in. He told me to never let anyone change my mind. He raised me to believe I could do anything. My mom taught me how to stand on my own two feet. She reminded me that I am a person worthy of love, and I am a great person, despite how many mistakes I could ever make. They never read me a bible, and I can't even remember if they ever even bought me one. They taught us things that make us good people in our own right...not following what an organized religion says we should be. I do not think that religion makes you a better person, and it is something you should not hide behind. I don't look down on anyone for following a religion. You are entitled to believe whatever you want. I like everyone just the same. But I am more judged for not following a religion, than I judge others for following a religion. It doesn't matter to me what you believe. Whatever helps you, is just fine with me. I am completely tolerant of it. But I will not pray with you, I will not read a bible with you, and I will not make my kids go to youth group with your kids. I want my kids to choose what religion they want. I don't feel like influencing them into something I couldn't believe in is contradictory. They are free to make their own choices when it comes to religion. But I am not influencing them with anything. </div>
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<b>Conspiracy theories.</b></div>
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I am a complete left wing liberal. Of course I'm into reading into ways the government lies, and fails us on a daily basis. The biggest thing I follow right now are FEMA camps, and the sandy hook conspiracies, and the other day, a friend of mine got me into looking into the area 51 underground. I love them. I question everything. I do not believe anything unless I can see it. (Which is why I cannot follow religion.) I wear my tin foil hat proudly. People have to think I'm nuts. But, I am a questioner. I have to KNOW. I feel like it's my personal freedom to be completely informed. And if you look into half of the things going on in the world...the general american people have NO idea what's really going on. It's more fun to question everything, than become a sheeple brainwashed by the media. We have all been taught from a very early age that the news is what's going on in the world, and we must trust it. I just...don't anymore.</div>
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<b>Law enforcement.</b></div>
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I will tread lightly with this one. I do not trust law enforcement of any type. I was wrongly accused of something very major a few years ago, when I was obviously the victim. I was arrested, giving a court date...and spent the weeks following having to prove my innocence of something I should have never been accused of. Back when I was with Angel, and the police would come break up our latest blow up fight, I was threatened by police, and instead of them "helping" me, like you're taught policemen do, I was told that it was my fault these things happened to me because I had to live there. I didn't have anyone who would have taken me in at this point because I was so isolated from everyone, that even my own family didn't want me to come with them at that point because things were so screwed up. The police would try and stand up for Angel in court (thank god for good judges in salem county). So, I don't trust them. I don't understand how we do not live in a high crime area, yet when something major happens, and somebody really needs help...they show up and start harassing innocent people. There isn't any real relief for victims of domestic violence in this county, either. Law enforcement didn't do anything to try and help me help myself. They arrested him, and then released him shortly after. And I was back at square one. If a police officer handed me a pamphlet and said "there's this shelter for women like you and I'll take you there" I would have went. The way that it works in the law for domestic violence victims is really messed up. I don't know if this is everywhere, or just here in this little area. One of my biggest goals is to open a shelter for women and children that is big enough to accommodate more than 15 people at a time. (The closest shelter we have in this area can only house 15 people, and its always full, most of the time. I've looked into it.) We also need more programs to help women get back on their feet after such situations. Cornerstone's "program" is a joke.</div>
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<b>marriage.</b></div>
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now, this one is funny. Because i'm all about "girl power" and "equality" and all that jazz. But honestly, I feel like a marriage works best when a woman sticks to her role, and a man to his. I am the maid of the house. The chef, the nurse, the errand runner...etc. I serve my husband his plates. I do everything I possibly can to make my husband's life easier. And he goes out and does the manual labor, and puts most of the money into the house. That's his job. And my job is the child raising, cooking, cleaning, and not complaining about it. He is supposed to be the one that I keep happy, and myself last. That's the way my parents have survived their entire marriage, and I want my marriage to model that. I put him in charge of making major decisions. I let him in the sense "wear the pants" ; and I am his partner. Now we occasionally bump heads because I can be very stubborn...but the submissive lifestyle seems to work best. I am not a doormat, and he does not treat me as such. </div>
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<b>welfare programs.</b></div>
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Completely screwed up "system". I have been on both sides of the spectrum here. I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. My dad busted his ass to give my sister, my mom and I a great life. We had everything growing up. When I finally broke out of my crap situation with Caden's dad, I moved into public housing. And while there, life was easy street. The government and the "system" bailed me out of everything. My utilities were paid, my food was billed straight to welfare, and my rent was less than 200 bucks for a three bedroom townhouse. Life was really too good to be true. But the second I moved out of there, and tried to better myself, living in a privately owned apartment, everything was cut. I get absolutely nothing anymore. And I think there is where it's flawed. People will spend 15-20 years in government housing because you aren't forced to do anything. But the typical, middle class person struggling paycheck to paycheck can't get any help whatsoever. I understand where people's entitlement attitude comes from from spending my days in "the cage". The system makes it too easy to do absolutely nothing, and then when a bill isn't paid by the system, people get angry. Its that attitude that keeps people living in situations like that. Now, out here in the real world, if my bills aren't paid, or late, it's nobody's fault but my own. And I can't blame anybody like I used to be able to do while dirt poor, living in public housing. It's all so screwed up. It needs immediate reform...but that will most likely never happen because the system is raising people on it to become completely dependent, and never having to do anything. So what are those people supposed to do? They have no skills, they don't work, and they won't find jobs because everyone's been suckling the government teat. </div>
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I'm sure i could sit here and type all day about what I think about things, but these were the ones I could remember, that you guys wanted to know! I know after reading all that, you probably think I'm just a nutcase. And that's okay. But these are my opinions. You don't have to agree with me. I still like you even if you think I'm crazy. I know I already drive my husband crazy with my views on things. Good thing he loves me anyway.</div>
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-Brandi</div>
Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-62848289362566073072013-01-14T16:56:00.003-08:002013-01-14T16:56:24.051-08:00hmm.Today something as simple as receiving my new debit card with the Palumbo last name on it... is still weird and foreign to me. I know that's dumb to think that. I mean, I knew when I got married, obviously it meant a lot to Dan for me to take his last name, and of course it was <i>somewhat </i>important to me too.. But idk, giving up the Boyce name, the name I was born with, its still so weird. <div>
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I don't know why I feel that way. I used to think that taking your husband's last name was something I was never going to do. (I also thought I would never get married...) It was something that showed "ownership" of me. And I am not about any of that. I was completely fine with saying a Boyce. I was<i> proud</i> of that name. It was...me. My daddy's last name. The <b>one </b>man I always was able to rely on. The one man that set the bar <b>VERY</b> high for any other man in my life. And of course I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't think he would be able to give me a great life, and be what I needed him to be. But I just was holding on to that last bit of myself. I know a name doesn't mean anything at all. I could change my first name and I would still be the person that I am. But, giving that up was like shutting the door on being my dad's little girl. And nothing between him and I has changed. But it's so hard to explain how I feel. I was such a sad lost person before I met Dan. And my dad was that one man that I completely trusted, and knew would always be there for me when I needed him. He was the one who made everything okay, and made me feel safe when everything in my life was falling apart.</div>
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Then it's like I get back on my feet, my life gets better, and I met Dan. I fell head over heels in love with him, and he showed me that life is going to be okay. And I just let myself be taken completely by surprise, and trusted him with my heart. Which is something that I was just not used to. Everyone that I gave my heart away to in my past broke it one way or another. </div>
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Him and I talked about this before we got married. I was like "no, I am staying a Boyce, or I will hyphenate my last name." And he was always kind of disappointed that I felt that way. And the more he talked to me about it, and how much it meant to him that I took his last name. And the idea just, idk, I guess grew on me. And well, here I am. </div>
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I know thats so weird sounding, and probably makes no sense to you...like half of the things I write. But I just needed to get that out somewhere...</div>
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-Brandi</div>
Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-77773837882903983142013-01-13T18:22:00.001-08:002013-01-13T18:22:28.966-08:00i've been cheating...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been really slacking on my diet lately. I mean, I never really had a diet plan in place to begin with, but I've been really careful to monitor exactly what goes in my mouth.<br />
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But lately, I've slacked really bad. It's been a really long time since I ate a potato chip, and I ate some today. And I made brownies today, and I ate a little bit. And it seems like every time I go to my mom's house, my sister made homemade chocolate chip cookies, and I always seem to cave and eat one. But it's always just one... but now I feel really bad.<br />
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My weight has pretty much stayed the same. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost anything in almost two weeks, either. I can't say I'm frustrated...I'm just...mad at myself. I shouldn't be doing this. I was doing really really good for like six months, and I've been falling off the bandwagon. It doesn't help that nobody else in my house is on a diet (or needs to even be on a diet). But the motivation to keep doing good has gone away.<br />
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I want to stay thin forever. I at least want to stay thin and small so I can take nice pictures this year. And jump up on my husband's truck in a bikini and not look like a hippo.<br />
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But I've realized that eating these "bad" things makes me feel really heavy and gross on the inside. Not just because I know its bad for me, just because I haven't really eaten these things in a long time. I don't like the way I feel after I eat them. I don't know if it's more mental, or if it's real that I feel "heavy" and "disgusting."<br />
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But I guess I'm still tiny because I am currently wearing a pair of sweatpants that used to be SO tight on me, and they hang off me terribly. My husband even said to me earlier "you're going to disappear!" So I guess I haven't gained anything...I guess it's all in my mind.<br />
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I just am terrified of getting bigger. I have nightmares that I am fat again. And that Dan leaves me because I got fat. And I know that's pretty dumb because I know he loves me for more than what I look like...but subconsciously, my mind says he would in my dreams. And then I get all like "omg can't get fat, can't get fat."<br />
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I just wish society didn't tell us girls at a very young age that thin is what beautiful is what is accepted and what is "wanted" by men. I don't understand why beauty can't come in every shape, and size. Why do they put "perfect" looking women on billboards, in music videos and movies...and shove it down our throats that if we want to be beautiful, we have to look like that? I am so afraid that my daughter will get sucked into that. I fear that I am not setting a good example for her because I am so self conscience about myself. I don't want her to grow up, and see that I was such a crazy dieter, and that I let my looks define me. I don't know how to put a happy medium on how I feel, and how I want her to feel. Gah. I feel like I fail there. I make little jokes about how "big" her belly is...and how much of a "piggy" she is when she eats alot.... I feel like I need to stop doing that because I don't want her to one day think that eating is not acceptable...and that the size of your jeans is what makes you...you. My issues stem from much deeper things than that. I was never fat. I just got fluffier after my kids were born, and then I spiraled out of control from there. It just wasn't healthy to be 5'2" and 178 pounds. I knew I had to do something before I hit like 200 pounds and then been up shits creek without a paddle. But, I only started my weightloss because of what size I wore, and what the scale said. I thought losing weight would just be something that would make me love myself again. And it did...but it doesn't. This hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy.<br />
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I secretly weigh myself. ALOT. I constantly look at myself in the mirror...almost all the time. I fuss about my jeans, and my clothes. I still see a big person, even though I am always reminded by everyone that I look great, and that I am worrying for nothing. I don't know if I need to seek some kind of real help for my body image issues, or if they are real, and everyone struggles with them like I do. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I am so worried that I ate too much that day, or if I didn't eat enough. Sometimes I worry if I'm getting bigger....it's all so sucky and I just don't like where I am at these days.<br />
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I don't feel like I have any support from real people I can talk to about this, because I don't want to annoy anybody with my dumb feelings about this right now. Everyone hates "that" girl who thinks she's fat, but she isn't. And now I am that girl. I don't know. It's all very stupid. I'm that annoying girl in a skinny jean who is always like "omg do I look fat?" "Can i even wear this?" yeah. that girl. the girl you wanna punch in the mouth. :(<br />
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I just feel like a failure because I haven't been so careful lately. I mean, my mom lost a bunch of weight just being careful with what she ate. And she hasn't gained it back. Her advice to me is always the same. "Everything in moderation." And I never go off the deep end. I only eat small portions of whatever I'm eating, and i don't think there's ever been an instance that I've actually finished anything on my plate. I only eat when I'm hungry, and I stop eating when I'm full. I try and stay away from sweet tea...which used to be my vice back in the day. I would drink like 5 cups of sweet tea everyday before I started losing weight. That was the hardest thing to give up.<br />
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Now the only real "vice" I have is smoking cigarettes. And I like smoking them most of the time because it suppresses my hunger. I don't eat as much when I smoke. And I know it's not exactly good to do that. But I can't give it up. Everyone gives me shit for smoking. But I can't quit. I've been a moderately heavy smoker for like 8 years now. I'm doing better with it now than about a year ago. I've gone from almost two packs a day, to just under one. I know that horrible. But I feel like it keeps me in order, away from food. Whenever I feel like I have nothing to do with my hands, instead of reaching for a snack, I'm puffing away on a cig. So in a way, I've given up one thing, for another bad habit. But that's dumb, too. Now I'll be skinny, but most likely get cancer. And I don't want that.<br />
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I'm just in a crazy headspace today. I think it's the weather? I think it's because I haven't really had any social interaction with anyone but Dan and the kids for a few days. I don't know. I just can't wait til it gets nice out so I can at least go for a walk outside.<br />
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Any of my other weight loss friends going through an emotional slump right now? How can I get out of it? Ugh. I'm gonna drive myself insane.<br />
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-Brandi <br />
<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-36357312039168302392013-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:002013-01-13T07:58:16.458-08:00you get what you give.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This sums it up way better than I could ever try to. It's perfect. Written with complete truth. I think many people go into a relationship thinking that they are supposed to change who they are for another person, and change another person so they become the "perfect" partner for you. I know I am guilty of this. I know I have done this. A million times. And that's why I haven't worked out with anyone else, and nobody else worked out for me.</div>
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Truth is, Dan is exactly what I <i>wasn't </i>looking for. I didn't want to be involved in half the things he does. I didn't want to be with someone like him. I had every idea of who he was already etched into my mind. <i>Bad news. </i>Someone I thought would have way too much bullshit to deal with. Someone I never wanted to be with. Somebody who was already stuck in his ways. Someone who <b>didn't</b> take relationships seriously. That wasn't what I wanted.</div>
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But he grew on me. The first night I ever really hung out with him, I was pleasantly surprised. He wasn't this person I had thought he was. He made me laugh. Over and over. Not just those dumb "fake first date" laughs. Like deep down, real full laughs. It was awkward at first because I was afraid of ever liking him. I didn't want to be close with him. I thought we would have gone out a few times, and just talked on text once in a while. I thought I'd go home, and that would be that. As much fun as I had, I never really seriously saw us becoming a couple, or ever talking face to face again.</div>
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But we did. And we took everything way too fast (so I've been told). And I realized that I hated it. I missed my old life. I wanted to go home. I tried so hard in the very beginning to change who he was. I wanted him to be what I wanted him to be. I didn't appreciate anything he did. And I felt like a lot of times he was somehow abandoning me. I spent a lot of my time alone in my house. I felt very isolated. I pushed very hard for him to stop what he was doing to be the person I wanted. I was very selfish. I pushed him away. I really at one point just hated him. I thought he would never learn how to be a good partner. I thought I was with someone who couldn't care less about me. And he was very selfish too. He wanted to keep me somehow at an arm's length. He didn't appreciate anything I did, either. And there was a complete war in the house, all the time because I was so miserable, and didn't know how to fix anything.</div>
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I just started accepting the fact that he is who he is. And that I cannot change him. As soon as I started realizing that, things really started getting better. We learned how to compromise. We learned how to talk. We learned how to be better for each other. And things really got...great. We started doing things together. We started talking to each other a whole lot better. We worked on it. And things aren't perfect, but I can honestly say that I feel much better than I did back then.</div>
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Relationships suck. And honestly, if people weren't so vulnerable, and needed love and attention...we'd all be way better off single. They're too much work. They're hard, and your heart gets broken over and over by someone you love. But I guess when you really want it to work, they do work out. And now I'm strapped down to the same person until I die....to somebody I never really thought I wanted to be with in the first place. Funny how that works, right?</div>
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-Brandi</div>
Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-62830602749209522172013-01-10T10:47:00.001-08:002013-01-10T10:47:06.965-08:00........So these days, I feel mostly like a referee.<br />
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My kids fight. And they fight about <i>EVERYTHING</i>. Where who sits at the dinner table, who gets in the tub first, who gets what cup, who turns on or off the TV... everything!<br />
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And it's starting to wear me thin. At the end of the day, I am so tired of breaking up fight after fight that I am just ready to cry, get a cup of apple juice, suck my thumb, and go to sleep. It's starting to exhaust my mind! I haven't been in such a constant bad mood until this week. It started earlier this week with the constant bickering, and it doesn't seem like it's going to end anytime soon.<br />
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I mean, I get it ; they are siblings, and they are pretty close in age and this was bound to happen. But holy, tap dancing jesus...I don't think I can take anymore!<br />
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I feel like I'm losing control over this situation. My mood has been very on edge lately...because if they aren't fighting, they are whining. Riley doesn't seem to talk anymore, she <b>whines</b>. And I would much rather her sit and cry real tears than to sit there and whine about stuff. She refuses to walk places by herself, she refuses to progress in the potty training area. I feel very defeated. I know that potty training is just as rough for her as it is for me, but she's fighting me every step of the way to the point I just almost give up. She gets the concept of it, but she doesn't want to follow through. And I just want to wave the white flag. This child will never be out of diapers it feels like!<br />
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And Caden...where to even start with that boy. He's such a loving, sweet boy...but lately, he's been very moody, very defiant, and very crabby. Not like himself. I know he isn't sick from anything because he just finished a course of antibiotics for an ear ache he had a little while ago, and he isn't running any type of fevers... He's just..being a typical boy. Very wild child. He's a lot like I probably was when I was little. He can't go with the flow. He likes everything to be the same all the time...he cannot handle changes. Even this week, normally the kids go for pizza night on Wednesdays over at my mom's house. They had to reschedule it for today (Thursday) and it threw Caden's little schedule completely off. He knew it was Wednesday yesterday because he had circle time that day in school, and Mrs. Press told him that it was Wednesday, and he couldn't understand why he wasn't going to Mom Mom's house. Oh the meltdown that came along with that...<br />
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But ; today was actually a really good day. Dan wanted to go ride FDR for a little while, and very last minute, invited me and Riley to go. It gave us time to get out of the house, and go do something besides stare at the walls. It was really great. Riley really enjoyed watching him for a little while, and would yell "GO DAN!!" and would watch him zoom by...but the weather was so chilly that after about a half hour, we retreated to the car for some juice and cookies. And she and I just sat there and got to spend really good mommy daughter time together. She was singing me songs, and pretending to drive my car. It was nice. It was nice to just enjoy time together, without any distractions and be able to just have a few quiet minutes together. I wish Caden didn't have to go to school, because it would have been neat for him to come, too. But he's already missed a few days already, and I couldn't find a justifiable reason to keep him home for a few hours at the park. I feel just a tad bit guilty about that because I <i>know</i> he would have loved to go.<br />
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I think those few hours out were exactly what all of us needed. It was so nice to just go for a car ride (although I am the <u>worst</u> passenger in a car...) and getting a little fresh air. I know that I can't stand to feel cooped up, and I <b>know </b>that Dan can't stand it, either. When the weather is nice, we aren't ever home. But now that winter is here, it really puts a restriction on the things we like doing. I like going to the car shows, and the beach, and even watching him ride...and all of those things we have to do when it's nice. There's not too much going on when the weather is chilly. I'm glad that Riley seemed to enjoy herself, too! I know probably half of her cranky mood was sitting around here too much. I just hope Caden had a good day in school, and is totally excited to go to my mom's tonight for his pizza!!<br />
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-Brandi<br />
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<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20728669677115386.post-62383432951381706892013-01-09T14:07:00.002-08:002013-01-09T14:07:43.612-08:00Tales of the stepmother.It's extremely strange to say "i am a stepmother". Just as I'm sure it's weird for Dan to say he is a stepfather.<br />
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It's just something so foreign to me. I didn't have step-parents growing up. I had my two biological parents who are still together. I didn't grow up in a blended family. I had friends who had step parents, and would always think how weird that would be if that were me. I don't know how I would feel if my parents were ever split up, and remarried. But then, hearing the stories about how many birthday parties, christmas gatherings, and other family celebrations these children had with step parents, it seemed like these kids were actually kind of special to have so many people who love them. A big, already formed family, with people you grow up with. I don't really have a big family. The cornerstone of my family, to me, was my grandmom. And she passed away when I was 11. And our family kind of fell apart after that.<br />
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And I guess it's good too, because Caden, Riley, Thomas and Mackenzie are so young that they probably don't even realize it. And it's even stranger, because I partially raised Thomas and Mackenzie back when they were smaller.<br />
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I know many of you already know the situation. But some of you don't (my cafemom crowd, and some others I've lost touch with since highschool) ; but my husband is my bestfriend's ex.<br />
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<i>Yes</i>. You read that right. My bestfriend had the twins by my husband. And I helped raise them up when they came home from the hospital. I took a pregnant Brittany to all of her pregnancy check ups, raced to the hospital when they were born, and helped care for them when they were small and Brittany needed a set of hands. I used to spend my days just helping twin tote...grocery shopping, doctor's appointments...whatever she needed, I was there. Thomas and Mackenzie are like my other kids I never had, and Caden and Riley are that way with her. We raised all four of them together. Play dates, lunch dates, whatever ; the four of them always had each other. Brittany is my longest, and truest friend. She is more like a sister than anything. I have always considered the twins my other kids. I love them as if they were my own.<br />
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And I'm sure so many of you wonder how her and I have managed to stay friends through all of this. Well, Dan and Brittany were split up for a good two years until him and I even started talking. Him and I were nothing but acquaintances when they were together. There would be the weird chance that he would be home when I would be around, but we didn't really know each other. We had no type of friendship, or even friendly conversation back then. Alot of people assumed when Dan and I started dating that I was somehow seeing him behind Brittany's back way back then. That is <b>not </b>the case. Dan and Brittany broke up, he moved out, and moved in with another girl. We started friendly conversing in <i>that</i> relationship. And things took off from there. It's all a weird circumstance...<br />
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But, I know that a situation like this is normally forbidden. And I made sure that nothing I was doing was going to hurt my friendship with Brittany. And for a little while, she and I had a falling out. And I was completely understanding. I broke "bro code" ; I did something that many people find unacceptable. And I was very patient. I didn't want to burn whatever bridge I had left with her. She means a great deal to me. And I know that anyone in her situation has to be a saint to have stayed friends with me.<br />
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It's good now. I get to spend as much time with her as I always have. It's a little harder now, since we don't live within walking distance anymore. We have started to form a new normal for all of us. It's great to be able to go over there, and things be totally normal and okay. I can vent and whine to her like I always have. I can see the twins, and love on them like I always have. She's an amazing person. And she is very humble. She always says to me that she is glad that we still have each other, and that we can all stay mature, and get things to a place where everyone is okay. I'm just lucky to have her. She truly is...great. I think if shoe was on the other foot, I probably wouldn't be able to stay as mature in this as she has.<br />
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But this role as "step mom" is so weird. I guess it's good that the twins know who I am, and I am not some stranger that Brittany wouldn't want around the kids. I've always loved them, kept them safe, and did my best to be a good friend to her, too. And it seems to be working. I just want what is best for all the kids involved. I'm glad that my kids got the coolest step brother and sister ever. And they all love the time they get to spend running around together, getting in trouble together, and eating cookies together. It's nice how everything has seemed to just blend together. I am glad that I am not stuck in a situation where the children's mother is wicked and looks at me as this crazy bitch she doesn't want the kids around. That's got to be difficult for the little ones. She doesn't give herself enough credit to really see how great she is in this situation.<br />
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I am the lucky one. I get to have my step-children's mother as a big part of my life. My bestfriend. I mean, how cool is that? How many people can say that? And how lucky Caden, Riley, Thomas & Mackenzie are to have so many people that love them, and want what is best for them...and to have crazy celebrations for every holiday, and birthday. The kids all have each other, life long friends. I think that's the best part.<br />
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-Brandi<br />
<br />Brandi Palumbo ; mommy and wife.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12790401996302805332noreply@blogger.com0