Tuesday, April 30, 2013

confessions of the house wife.

I really love my life.

I do.

But these last couple weeks have been almost crippling on my mental state.

I don't expect people to jump through hoops, and tell me I'm amazing everyday, or every minute of everyday. But just some plain ol appreciation would probably do me wonders right now.

The constant cleaning up behind everyone. Cooking all the meals. Making sure everyone has a hot breakfast, and hot dinner every night. The constant emptying, reloading, emptying dishwasher sequence...making sure everyone's got what they need, staying up late and packing lunches...it would be nice to hear how much I AM appreciated. Even shown a bit of appreciation. I don't know if how I'm feeling is even realistic. Maybe I'm just expecting a little too much?

I mean think about it. Think back to your childhood. Who was the foundation in your family? Your mother. Your mother made sure you had everything you needed, made your meals, ensured your clothes were clean, picked up after you, made sure everything was in good, running order. And how many times did you truly appreciate her? If you're anything like me, you DIDN'T realize how amazing of a woman your mom is, until you left the house. When I'm hungry, I can't go into the kitchen and ask my mom to fix me a sandwich, when my hamper is full, I can't drag it down to the laundry room and ask my mom to wash my clothes while I'm out.

All of that is on me. And on your wife, your girlfriend, the woman in your life. And how often do you show her how much you appreciate it?

My kids are still small. Caden is six now, so he's starting to see how much I do. He tells me he loves me, and that he's happy I'm his mommy. But nothing is more frustrating than to have made a meal, and Caden refuses to eat what I've given him. Telling me he WON'T eat it. Or the back talking that comes with growing up. I hate it. The power struggle with kids. Knowing what's best, and them fighting you tooth and nail. Completely forgetting how hard I work behind the scenes to ensure his needs are met. That hurts. Him not knowing how hard I looked for that special birthday toy he wanted, or staying up late baking his birthday cupcakes. Him not knowing how tired I am, but still making sure he gets his good night kisses. Only for him to wake up the next morning, and give me a hard time, and just misbehave. It makes me wish I was a better kid. Because I never understood my mom's struggle. I didn't know how much it would truly hurt, and feel like until my kids turn around and do it to me.

And i'm not downing Dan. He's a decent guy. But I wish he would truly see my worth, sometimes. While he worked his 12 hour shifts, even as tired as I was from being woken up by him at 5am, staying up making his lunch, making sure his errands were run on time...keeping up with things he normally does...to not even so much as to hear from him a simple "thanks, i know this has probably been rough on you, too." Sometimes all you really need is to hear your feelings are valid, and you're not just being a brat. I try to be the best wife I possibly can. I cook almost every night. He gets a hot breakfast. I make sure to keep up on my obligations as "wife". Keep the house clean, keep the kids in order, hot dinner, clothes cleaned, husband taken care of. I don't think he sees how much I really do. I don't think he understands how hard it is to wear so many hats. All he really has to do is take out some trash, and help carry things that are heavy (and reach things for me because i'm so short). Other than that, I ask for nothing. I do for me. But I do for me last. Behind everyone else. Sometimes I forget I am an actual person, since I have put three people ahead of me.

And I know, it's probably my fault that I've forgotten my own identity. But I've been a mother before I was a legal adult. I don't know it any other way. I don't know what it is like to have a normal, young adult life. My children ARE my life. And I've thrown myself headfirst into being the wife that my mother was. She never asked for anything. I strive to be like her. And she has told me, when I grew up, how difficult it really can be to be mommy and wife. You forget who YOU are. I gave up my whole life for my children. And I've given up a lot of ME for Dan. Because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be caregiver. I like my role. But I wish I could be selfish, and do for ME first. But that just wouldn't feel "right". I don't know.

Maybe I'm just being an unrealistic brat. That really could just be the case. But I just dream of the people in my life, that I do so much for, would once in a while would just step back, and see how much I really do. I don't think that's so much to ask. =/


Monday, April 1, 2013

The things Dan taught me.

Marriage is very tricky thing. You go from "boyfriend & girlfriend" who just live together, who share nothing, who can walk away at the drop of a hat...to legally bound, to not being able to walk away so easily. It's enduring alot of things you wouldn't want to go through otherwise. It's the biggest commitment two people can really have. To some, its "just a piece of paper" ; but those people have obviously ever been married. It's having good days, great days, and downright shitty days. It's having the time of your life one day, to feeling like you're hitting rock bottom and there's no way out. It's the comfort of knowing you've got somebody next to you for the rest of your life, and it's the fear of failure that lingers in the back of your mind, too. It's great to be married, it really is. But it's also scary, too... because you realize that there are things you are going to go through that a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would not go through.

I've also learned alot about myself these last couple months, too. I come from a pretty screwed up, dysfunctional past, and I never really had time to really process who I truly am. And it's easy to get yourself lost.

Dan is unlike anyone I've ever met before. And in his crazy ways, and made me learn alot about who I truly am, as a person. I've learned through him, that I am capable of a whole lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. My previous relationship, I was so co-dependent, and was scared to do anything on my own. When Dan and I moved in together, I started having to do things on my own. I've also learned that I am completely fine, and found complete comfort in myself. He has a large circle of friends that he does things with, and sometimes I do not join him. This was a tough transition for me, especially with all the abandonment issues that I've worked through since being with Angel. I have learned that I am my own worst critic through him. He came into my life at a really critical moment in my weightloss journey. I was about half way through when I met him. At that point where I was losing weight, and beginning to change, but still looked awkward, and in between. As my body changed, he was almost like my cheerleader, reminding me how skinny I was getting ; and kept me going. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, and he's always there with just the right amount of "stop it" and "you look great". I've learned how to be independent through him. He is older than me ; and already set in his ways. I cannot change him, and I don't really want to..but I've learned how to be independent and think for myself first through him. He has this mentality. And I've learned it from him, and adapted myself around it. I've also learned how much of a good woman that I am. I think most men out there would probably cut off their arm to have a wife like me. (not trying to toot my own horn here...) But I am attentive, loving, and I do everything for him. He's got it very good around here. And I don't do these things for him because I feel I have to ; I do them because I want him to realize how good I am. And I think he does. I was joking with him yesterday saying "you're gonna be a meanie to me after all the nice things I do for you?" and he gave me that infamous Dan Palumbo smirk, and said "You really do alot of nice things for me." That's what I do it for. That little appreciation. I'd like to think I'm the glue that keeps this house running. I'm everyone's maid, chef, errand runner, food runner, grocery shopper...I've learned how to just grow into this wonderful wife through Dan. (and my mama). I've just blossomed into this wonderful stay at home mom & wife. Him and I have been through some rocky stuff, but I truly can't imagine going through the rest of my life with anybody else.