Friday, February 8, 2013


I've been working on myself the last few days. I ignored my phone, my texts...half my friends ; I just wanted to sit in, be a hermit, and really start working on ME. I can't be the person I truly want to be when my mind is distracted, and full of just self crippling thoughts. I don't know why I put myself down, and doubt myself. My pain lately has been unbearable, and after trying for days to be a superwoman, I just succumbed to it. I began lashing out at everyone around me. I began being very angry, and resentful of my husband. Totally unfair. Totally not okay. And in turn, he reacted, and wasn't very nice to me, either. I let my mind wander. I let my body take my mind hostage. And it's not hard to do when the pain is so unbearable and you feel so miserable, you just automatically get in such a funk, and don't even want to function.

I just start getting so down, and start feeling like "maybe this is all in my head". And then I start feeling almost crazy. Like I was sitting here in my house just calling out for help, and crying out and acting like almost a baby because I couldn't get anyone to get it. And I started slipping into such a depression that I sometimes just didn't want to get out of bed. My body felt like it was starting to fail me. And my mind started failing me, too. It was like I couldn't control any of my words, or actions. And then I blamed it on how shitty I felt. Which is excusable, I guess...but still doesn't make it right.

I was becoming short tempered with my kids...and just felt like I was losing my mind over the silliest things. I was mad at them for just being...well, kids. The pain was getting so bad that I just didn't want to be bothered. But I'm a mother, first and foremost, and I was letting that slide so bad. And that wasn't fair to them. I sat, and I reflected for a while, and realized that I was just going about everything all wrong. I wasn't being the mother that I know I am. And I started just getting myself back out of my funk, and started focusing better on them. Caden came home the other day and painted me a picture that said "I LOVE MOM" and honestly, it almost made me cry. It made me realize that I am getting better, and that he really does love me, and appreciates me, even when I'm going through so much in my own body, and mind.

But yesterday, I got a shower, put on real clothes (i spent so many days in a pair of yoga pants with nappy hair) & straightened my hair, and just felt better. I straightened my hair, did all my laundry, made a decent dinner, played with my kids. It just put me in a better mood, all around. I got everything off my chest that I had to say to my husband. I feel...better. I feel in a better place. I feel like now I am in better control of everything. I am scared that it's going to get back to that point again, so I have reached out to my pain management doctors. I can't really afford the medication that I need to get, but they have decided they are willing to work with me so that I can get my relief. They don't want me to be in pain. They don't want me to go back into the whole depression mode that I was in for almost a week straight due to it. And that was great to hear. I'm glad that I'll be able to still get my doctor's visits and medicine without going broke to get it.

I just feel like me again. I feel happy. I feel in a better mindset. I feel bad that I basically blew everyone off for almost a week...but sometimes you just don't need distractions from anyone when you feel so shitty. And I'm sorry if I left you hanging. But i just needed this week. To sit and think. To be alone. To really fix me.

But yeah. Feeling much better. In a better place. feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally...just...better. :)


Thursday, February 7, 2013

relationship bullshit.

Relationships are so full of contradictions. And seeing what I have gone through, and what others go through, there is one thing that is always the same ; the woman has to bear every consequence.

Let me explain ;

If a relationship/marriage is rocky, why is it completely excusable for the man to go seek happiness elsewhere, and its supposed to be a "wake up call" for a woman who is also just as unhappy in a relationship? But if the woman does it, she's a slut, a whore, and she's worthless, and the man will NOT excuse it, yet blame her for making things worse...but it's supposed to be completely fine if he does it?

This I don't understand.

Why is the woman's job in the relationship to make sure the house is happy, the man is happy, and everything is good. And why is it if the man isn't putting in the same amount of effort, he then blames her when things aren't "perfect"? Now, I'm no superhuman. I can bear a lot. I can withstand a lot of emotional pain. I can smile, and put on a happy face even when I'm breaking apart inside. But this behavior is just NOT okay. It takes two people to make a happy home, not just one. But so much is put on a woman to be make everything okay...while the man takes a backseat, and doesn't ever have to put so much effort into anything.

I don't know if this is a society thing, where society has made it okay, and so many broken women have just laid down and died, and let men do terrible things to them. I can't think of one woman who hasn't had her heart completely broken. But the patterns we learn from relationships very early on, is that if things aren't great, its all her fault, and a man is given a hall pass to go out, find another partner...whether emotional, or physical, to get her to "wake up and be a better partner." This is disgusting. And it shouldn't be this way. It's a double standard. You hear about cheating men ALL the time, and it's "well he's a man, and that's what men do if their house is unhappy." But if a woman does it? "Oh what a slut, she's so disgusting." why? Why isn't a relationship an even playing field?

I am grown now. I am married now. I see things a whole lot differently now that I have gotten older, and in a sense, settled down. I have learned a lot. Even in marriage ; it seems like it's put on a woman's shoulders to run a smooth house, dress nice, stay attractive, do everything to make her man happy, no complaining, say everything right, don't argue... it seems like men have been taught an early age that you put everything on a woman. I don't think that's a great mindset to have. I just...don't. I don't agree with that. I would honestly feel like I failed as a mom if Caden grew up, and treated a woman like crap. I want him to completely adore his girlfriend, and future wife. I want him to be patient, and kind, and understand that it's not her job to make him happy...but equally his job to make sure she is happy, too. I grew up, and watched my dad treat my mom like a queen. The two of them never argued in front of me and my sister. He worked hard, he came home every night. He didn't expect too much of my mom. He appreciated her. Sent her flowers just because. Even when me or my sister had a bad day, he would bring us home a surprise, or something just to make us smile. My mom mom had four boys. And she taught all four of them to respect a woman, and to treat them right. My mom seriously lucked out with him. I haven't met anyone who has even come close to the man my father is.

I can honestly say, that I have never cheated on any of my partners. Even when I was being put through hell and back, I stayed completely faithful. It wasn't until I was thrown out, that I began to seek somebody. I don't believe that you just get "bored" and throw away what you have already in your life. You work on it, you fight for it, and you appreciate every experience you've gone through, good or bad. You pick your partner for a reason ; and you can't just love them when times are great. But, this takes two people to want it. You can't expect your partner to change everything for you. You have to be the partner you want your partner to be to you. That's how marriages stay strong. So many marriages fall apart because one party is too stubborn to admit they need to change. It's about compromise. And getting back what you give. I refuse to treat somebody with the utmost respect if I do not get it back. That goes for anybody. I can't change another person. I can only control what I do and say. And so many people do not realize that.

I just see so many unhappy people. So many marriages breaking up. So many people who don't have the energy to work on anything. Now, some people are just not supposed to be together ; yes. But the ones who have made the commitment to get married, and legally take their partner on ; you picked that for a reason. Stop getting divorced. Stop blaming each other when things are bad. If it's not working, it's not automatically a woman's job to make it all better ; you are to blame too. And women, you need to quit letting men tell you that.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Letting go.

I guess I am just not meant to have the approval from the only person I'm really looking for.

I'm getting sick of always being the bad guy. I'm not a bad person like I'm always made out to be. I'm getting tired of taking all blame in situations that are not 100% my fault.

I admit, I can be really hard to get along with. I know this. I've accepted this, and I've tried to strive to be a better person so that it didn't have to always be this way. But at this point, I can't change into somebody I am not. I cannot take full blame in things that I did not do alone. It takes two people to have an argument. So why with you, is it so one sided, and always made to make me look bad?

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't have any real reason to lie to you. Just because I don't always do the things I plan on doing, doesn't make me a liar. Just because sometimes things come up, and plans change, doesn't mean I'm a huge liar and do things just to intentionally hurt you. You see me still as this stupid little kid who doesn't want to get caught, and that's not me anymore. You don't pay my bills, you don't put food on my table, and you don't get the authority to run my life, anymore. I've flown your coop many years ago. It's time you start seeing me as a young adult, somebody who has a life. Somebody who's grown up. Somebody who doesn't want to have so much friction with you...somebody's who getting sick of taking the brunt end of all your anger.

And in this process, my children are hurt. They are crushed. The things you said, will probably sit with them for a while. I spent my day reassuring my children that they are not to blame, and you were not angry with them. But it's crushing to them when they completely idolize you. I don't hurt for myself, because honestly, i'm old enough to know by now, that we will never have a normal, healthy matter how much I want that from you. It just will NOT happen. You have grown to truly deep down hate me. And it's obvious. I know that I didn't make your life easy, either. I know that I have put you through hell. I know that I was an extremely rebellious teenager, and many nights you probably didn't sleep because you didn't know what to do with me. But at this point in my life, I cannot take that back. I can't. And I can't apologize for it any longer. I am not that person anymore. But honestly, I will not be disrespected. I will not answer the phone and be yelled at. I will not listen when you tell me how wrong I am, when I'm not. You just don't like it when anyone disagrees with you. And you turn into the victim..even when you start it. I didn't start this with you.

But as always, there were no witnesses to what happened, and of course I will be bashed. You will manipulate the situation as to where you are completely right, and I was completely wrong. And for that, our relationship will suffer, once again. But you need to realize, that YOU are wrong. I can take blame when I know I've done wrong. And yes, maybe I shouldnt have said some things I said. But maybe you shouldn't have, either. But you never stop to think about that. It's always ways to make ME look bad. It's always ways to make it look like you're this sweet, innocent person, and I'm this terrible bully who just says things to be mean and nasty. That's not it. You were angry before I even showed up there, because I didn't want to talk to you on the phone, and hear you tell me how much of a liar I am, and how I just can't do anything right. I don't have to listen to that. I don't. And I have every right to remove myself from that situation. But what YOU did was wrong. That is no way to handle anything. But, I'm pretty sure your story is completely different than what actually happened. And that's the way it always is.

I'm just...tired. I'm tired of trying. I am tired of thinking that things could ever change. They won't change. It doesn't matter anymore. You don't want a relationship with me, and it's about time I accept that. I didn't want to before. I tried to get you to like me. Bringing you lunch ; coming over just to say hi. It wasn't ever good enough. You just hate me. And I will never have your approval. And whatever, I guess it's time I just start realizing that. It hurts, but I guess this is the way it really needs to be.

I appreciate everything you have done for me. But at this point, I need to stop trying. Whenever you're ready, I guess you'll be ready. Until then, we don't have to speak. I am beyond disgusted. And I'm beyond exhausted trying to get anything to work out. I love you always. But I just can't do this anymore.


Friday, February 1, 2013

being honest with myself.

                                              You like to think you're never wrong ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You have to act like you're someone ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You want someone to hurt like you ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                          You want to share what you have been through ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).

I heard these lyrics today. This is from a song that I actually forgot about. But Pandora suggested I listen to it, and honestly, it really just describes exactly what's going on in my life right now.

But I find myself being exactly like this sometimes. When Dan and I argue, I am a very defensive, angry, straight up nasty person. I say terrible things I do not mean. My anger almost turns on a light switch somewhere in my body, and I snap into this person that I do not even recognize. And it's not just to him ; it's to everyone that i come in contact with. I have hurt many people with the way that I can be when I am angry.  My mom must have gotten the brunt end of all my anger. I just...say things that are awful, and completely inexcusable. Things that just shoot out of my mouth. Things I do not think about. Things that come from this almost dark, evil part of my brain.

And I seriously cannot control it. I have tried. I have tried to walk away from confrontation. I have tried to just go into another room. I have tried going outside. But, I don't know. My anger just takes over, and this part of me just emerges, and I actually feel almost a thrill. I feel powerful when I am angry. I get this...rush. It's almost like an adrenaline rush, and then I cannot remember anything else. I just like picking apart my opponent.

But it's what I've learned. I was the victim of somebody's else's anger. And I guess after being so beaten down, I've picked up that dirty habit of being the aggressor. Because in the back of my brain, sometimes I can associate anger with love, and relationships. I learned this behavior. It is almost like a second nature type of thing. When there is confrontation, become a bigger aggressor. I saw this behavior for years. It's almost drilled into my head now. I do not want to be the victim anymore. And it doesn't matter if the argument is over something dumb like something misplaced, or a huge argument over finances...I just take it too far...too many times.

But honestly, I think it's time that i stop letting everything in my past dictate how my future goes. I didn't ask for anyone to treat me like that, and in turn, I have started treating people that I love very dearly the same way. And that's not fair.

I didn't ask to be treated like that, and nobody deserves being treated that way, either. I don't like being that nasty, vile person. That's not who I am, and I've come way too far to succumb to something like that now.

I am a wonderful person. I have so much love. I have so much light. I have so much to offer anybody. I have to let go of the many ties that used to bind me to being a very bitter, and sad person. That is not my life anymore. I chose a life for not only me, but for my children to be free of people who hurt us, and people who use us. I have a wonderful relationship with somebody I genuinely love, and I (hope) genuinely loves me too.

I just need to take this one day at a time. It took almost six years to learn this stuff, and although i've been out of that situation for a long time now ; the scars are still there. And I don't want to lose what I have because of that. I lost a huge chunk of who I was because of all that stuff I had already been through.

I don't think anybody can really understand what I'm saying, or totally get what I'm trying to say here...unless they've been there. I mean, I am already so much judged for my past. And I am not proud of it either. But you just don't get out of a relationship that was so extremely abusive, and get out without any scars, or any triggers. It's still so very real in my mind...even though so much time has passed. I have many many triggers...and things that just set me right back to where I used to be. Anger is one of them. I don't know how to process anger. Another thing, is self-loathing. Some days, for absolutely no reason at all, I will just be in this really terrible mood, and just feel completely inadequate. And nothing really brings it on. Sometimes just a small little joke can just make me SO incredibly sensitive.

But, I completely tons of therapy in my past, and without that, I don't think I would have been half the person I am now. I'm still incredibly flawed, and yeah, I have my moments...but I have come a LONG long way. I have learned how to trust. I have learned how to love. I have overcome alot of things in five years. I have become a stronger, way more understanding person. I have SO much empathy for people I never had before. And I have learned how to a better person. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle within their lives...and I have learned that sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on can make all the difference in the world. I have become the change that I want to see in the world...

I just have to be honest with myself, and take responsibility for how much my anger can just be...cruel. That is one thing I really want to work on this year. I want to let go of everything that comes along with that. And honestly, I think I'm completely capable. I'm just not so sure where to start.