Saturday, February 2, 2013

Letting go.

I guess I am just not meant to have the approval from the only person I'm really looking for.

I'm getting sick of always being the bad guy. I'm not a bad person like I'm always made out to be. I'm getting tired of taking all blame in situations that are not 100% my fault.

I admit, I can be really hard to get along with. I know this. I've accepted this, and I've tried to strive to be a better person so that it didn't have to always be this way. But at this point, I can't change into somebody I am not. I cannot take full blame in things that I did not do alone. It takes two people to have an argument. So why with you, is it so one sided, and always made to make me look bad?

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't have any real reason to lie to you. Just because I don't always do the things I plan on doing, doesn't make me a liar. Just because sometimes things come up, and plans change, doesn't mean I'm a huge liar and do things just to intentionally hurt you. You see me still as this stupid little kid who doesn't want to get caught, and that's not me anymore. You don't pay my bills, you don't put food on my table, and you don't get the authority to run my life, anymore. I've flown your coop many years ago. It's time you start seeing me as a young adult, somebody who has a life. Somebody who's grown up. Somebody who doesn't want to have so much friction with you...somebody's who getting sick of taking the brunt end of all your anger.

And in this process, my children are hurt. They are crushed. The things you said, will probably sit with them for a while. I spent my day reassuring my children that they are not to blame, and you were not angry with them. But it's crushing to them when they completely idolize you. I don't hurt for myself, because honestly, i'm old enough to know by now, that we will never have a normal, healthy matter how much I want that from you. It just will NOT happen. You have grown to truly deep down hate me. And it's obvious. I know that I didn't make your life easy, either. I know that I have put you through hell. I know that I was an extremely rebellious teenager, and many nights you probably didn't sleep because you didn't know what to do with me. But at this point in my life, I cannot take that back. I can't. And I can't apologize for it any longer. I am not that person anymore. But honestly, I will not be disrespected. I will not answer the phone and be yelled at. I will not listen when you tell me how wrong I am, when I'm not. You just don't like it when anyone disagrees with you. And you turn into the victim..even when you start it. I didn't start this with you.

But as always, there were no witnesses to what happened, and of course I will be bashed. You will manipulate the situation as to where you are completely right, and I was completely wrong. And for that, our relationship will suffer, once again. But you need to realize, that YOU are wrong. I can take blame when I know I've done wrong. And yes, maybe I shouldnt have said some things I said. But maybe you shouldn't have, either. But you never stop to think about that. It's always ways to make ME look bad. It's always ways to make it look like you're this sweet, innocent person, and I'm this terrible bully who just says things to be mean and nasty. That's not it. You were angry before I even showed up there, because I didn't want to talk to you on the phone, and hear you tell me how much of a liar I am, and how I just can't do anything right. I don't have to listen to that. I don't. And I have every right to remove myself from that situation. But what YOU did was wrong. That is no way to handle anything. But, I'm pretty sure your story is completely different than what actually happened. And that's the way it always is.

I'm just...tired. I'm tired of trying. I am tired of thinking that things could ever change. They won't change. It doesn't matter anymore. You don't want a relationship with me, and it's about time I accept that. I didn't want to before. I tried to get you to like me. Bringing you lunch ; coming over just to say hi. It wasn't ever good enough. You just hate me. And I will never have your approval. And whatever, I guess it's time I just start realizing that. It hurts, but I guess this is the way it really needs to be.

I appreciate everything you have done for me. But at this point, I need to stop trying. Whenever you're ready, I guess you'll be ready. Until then, we don't have to speak. I am beyond disgusted. And I'm beyond exhausted trying to get anything to work out. I love you always. But I just can't do this anymore.


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