Wednesday, August 28, 2013

my wife swap manual as a guide to the running of my home. :D

You know when you're watching wife swap, and the new wives show up and read that cute little book all about how the household runs? I've always wondered what those questions were. So, I looked them up! And I figured I would go ahead and do mine, just to see if I could figure out what kind of wife they would send here...what kind of wife would be my complete polar opposite.
Pretty sure they would send Dan a super feminist wife who doesnt believe in gender roles, and wont help him do anything, lol.


What tips can you give for coping with your other half?
-BE VERY PATIENT. He is not the easiest person to love, or understand. He is VERY stuck in his ways. DO NOT take anything he says personally. He is a nice guy, but he will rely heavily on you. Make this easier on yourself, and write it down. If you don't, text him what he would like done for the day, and look at it. You'll get into his routine. Have dinner cooked when he's hungry. Make sure he always has work clothes. Don't let the laundry pile up, or leave clothes in common areas (he hates that). 

How do you like to be treated?

-I do not expect anything. I like to be treated with respect, and dignity. But if I dont get it, thats not my problem, that's somebody else's. I know who I am. Somebody's opinion, or treatment of me, doesnt affect who I am, and how I should treat others.

What happens when you and your partner disagree on something?

-World war III until it settles down.

What subject do you and your partner disagree on the most?

-Religion. I'm an open atheist, he is a closet christian. He doesn't agree with my views, and I don't agree with his. We just keep it under wraps. We don't EVER talk about it.


Please sum up the philosophy of this house and life within it:

-We are car enthusiasts! Our whole life revolves around cars, talking about cars, fixing cars, making cars fast, and racing! Hope you know the difference between a turbo, a supercharger, and a nitrous kit. You'll be quizzed daily. Or you'll have nothing to offer the conversation! My life revolves around slicks, weekends at the track, saturday night street races for fun, and of course, accepting ebay packages full of go fast parts. :) Hope you like the color blue, and can handle sitting around for hours while Dan lets multiple people look under the hood of the truck! 
-Dan also rides BMX. I really hope you don't mind getting filthy ; because the trails are very dirty, and full of insects! 

-This home models after the 1950's marriage. I am the house wife, my husband is the man. I go on his command. I am the one in charge of anything domestic. I am expected to upkeep my appearance, to ensure my home runs smoothly, and that my husband has everything he needs. In return, my husband is my man. He does all the dirty jobs. He makes the money. He takes care of me. We are very traditional in marriage roles. He will not do anything a woman should do, and I am not expected to do anything a man might do.


How often do you clean your home?
-My home gets a regular tidy up clean every single day. I deep clean (hard floors, toilets, sinks, dusting) once a week.

Who does the cleaning in general? Is this done voluntarily, or only when asked?
- I do ALL of my the cleaning. It isn't done quite voluntarily, but because I KNOW it needs to be done. My kids are responsible for their own room. I'm in charge of EVERYTHING else.


What room(s) do you eat your meals in?
- Since I currently only have a table which seats two, my children sit at the table at meals, while me and my husband sit on the couch. 

When are meal times?
-Breakfast for the kids is 8:30am. Lunch is around 1pm. Kids eat dinner around 6, my husband and I eat dinner between 8pm-930pm.

Who prepares breakfast / lunch / dinner and when?
-I prepare ALL the meals. My husband normally makes his own bowl of cereal when he gets up for work in the morning.

Does your partner help?
-Not at all. 

What are your top three dinners? 
-Fried porkchops
-any kind of chicken i feel like making that particular night.

Do you have any special dietary requirements? Is there anything you won't eat?

How often do you get take-out or delivery? 
-once a week, on average.

How often do you eat-out at restaurants? Where do you go? Do you take the kids?
-Weekends. Depends. Normally places around town.


How often do you go grocery shopping? When do you go?
I HAVE to grocery shop at least once a week. 

Does your partner help?
No. I don't think he knows where the grocery store is.


Who shops for clothes?
-I shop for the children, and myself. My husband buys for himself. Or gets freebies from random BMX companies.

How much do you spend on clothes per month for each family member?
-I seriously don't even know. lol.



What time do you usually get up?

What is your morning routine (weekdays?)
-Wake up around 8am with the kids. Breakfast around 830. 
-on school days, wake up around 730, get Caden up, breakfast, book bag packed, pack lunch. Drop Caden off to school.

Do you ever get to sleep in?
-Most days. But most of the time, my husband wakes me up when he gets up, just so I'm not sleeping. 


How do they get home?
-I pick up Caden from school everyday.

Do the kids have any extra classes / activities after school? If so, when and what?

After school, if they don't have activities, do they have play dates? How often? At your home or their friends home?
-No activities. No established play dates. They see their step siblings in our home once a week. 


What time do you get home from work?

-I am a stay at home full time mother and wife. 

Do you help the kids with their homework?

-Yes. Caden is still small, and i will explain to him his homework assignments. He normally can handle it on his own, but I stay close by incase he has a question. Then we go over it together.

When do they do their homework?

-Immediately after school. When he is done, he gets a snack.

Approximately how much homework does each kid get?

-Caden normally has two worksheets a night.

Do the kids have set bedtimes and if you have teens, do they have curfews?

-Kids are in bed at 8pm nightly. They are allowed to have quiet talk to each other as they settle down. I cant put them down any later, or they're too wound up for sleeping. They need that extra quiet time in bed before falling asleep.

How you spend you evenings from Monday to Friday?

-Monday-Thursday nights are a typical dinner, bedtime snacks, relaxing during the evening. My husband goes out and does his own thing once in a while throughout the week, so I am home some nights by myself. Friday nights the children normally go to my parent's house for their weekly sleepovers.

What time do you go to bed?

-Whenever Dan is tired. Normally between 10-11:30pm.


What do you generally do on Friday night?

-Dan and I live a very social life outside of the children. Friday nights, he comes home, we get ourselves together, and head out for a night with friends. Normally out to dinner, and spending time with our friends.

What do you do at the weekend?

Saturday Mornings? 

-Nothing. Sleep in. :) 

Saturday daytime?

-Trails, out for lunch, hanging out.

Saturday evening?

-Street racing. (You'll have alot of fun being a one woman pit crew. Hope you can carry a pair of slicks down the stairs, and back up them. You're in charge of reading the gauges, too. Make sure you know what they mean. Ask lots of questions. Your back will only hurt for a little while. You also need to remind Dan to remember all the "free" mods. He'll know what you mean. You're welcome.)

Sunday Mornings?
-Kids normally return home on sunday mornings. So back into the swing of mommyhood. 

Sunday daytime?

-Whatever the kids want to do.

Sunday evening?

-Dinner, baths, snacks, bedtime.


When you go out, do you tend to go out as a couple, or individually?

-Dan normally ever wants to do anything with me as just a couple. Our time is normally shared with friends. I'd really love it if once in a while we did something just the TWO of us, but he's just not like that.

What kinds of things do you like doing when you go out as a family / as a couple / as individuals?

-We don't normally  have alot of "family" time. Dan is hardly ever here. Thursday nights, my stepchildren come visit, and we have all four of the kids together. When they visit, we normally enjoy our entire night in. The kids all love being around each other. They have such a great bond.


Who does the childcare? What does it involve?

-I do all of the child rearing. The bathing, feeding, cleaning up, laundry, shopping, school events, name it. Its all on me. 

Do you have a routine with bedtimes etc for the children? 

-Riley is allowed a sippy cup at bedtime. I realize its getting a little extensive how much she relies on it, but cutting it cold turkey gave her anxiety. I just lay them in their beds (they share a room) at 8pm, hugs and kisses, and they are allowed to talk for an hour tops, and have quiet time as they settle down.

How do you discipline the kids?

-They get a warning. Afterwards, they are put in the corner (a minute per year) Caden sits for six minutes, Riley sits for four. I do not do physical punishment. It's cruel.

Do you spend time without the children?

-I get a break normally every weekend when they go to my parents house. It saves my sanity!

What things do you and your partner disagree on with regard to childcare? 

-I came as an already established family. I came with two children in my care fulltime into my marriage with Dan. I've been hellbent on keeping discipline and structure the way it was before he came into our lives. He doesn't always agree with me, but I don't feel like it needs to change. My were already comfortable with my parenting style, before Dan.

When do you see your family / in-laws?

-I see my family almost every other day. I see my in-laws once in a while. 

Do you visit them? Do they come and visit / stay with you? How often?

-I visit my mom almost everyday, if not, every other. They do not stay with me. My mom barely visits here. 

Do your relatives help look after your kids?

10) WORK

What hours do you work in the office / at home?

-I'm a stay at home mother...I work 24/7!

Do you bring work home in the evenings?

-In my line of work, yes. lol.


Who controls the money?

-We both kind of do. He gives me whatever money needs to be deposited, and I am responsible ensuring all the household bills are paid on time. 

How much do you spend on groceries per week?

-on average, about $100

How much do you spend on yourself?

-6.82 per day. (cigarettes.)

How much pocket money do the children receive per week? Are there conditions?

-They do not receive money, or allowances. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

where do you go...

This is where I've been stuck.

I feel as if I am on a teeter totter. One step to the left determines a potential future, one step to the right determines another. And here I am...stuck in the balance. Stuck. Afraid to shift my weight either way. And I've sat here too long, that it's almost tiring to stand here anymore. Do you ever feel that way? Where you just know in your heart you desire one thing, but your brain screams at you that you DESERVE another. And that's where you stay. Too scared to do anything, because it's a constant game of "who do I trust? my heart, or my head?" I've been let down too many times to believe my heart anymore. I have severe trust issues letting my heart guide me anywhere. But, at this moment in time, my brain seems to get me. My brain seems to understand exactly where I'm coming from. But my legs won't move here, from this balancing spot. And this...this is where I'm stuck.

I feel as though I was born to achieve great things. I feel as though I am destined to be so much more than what I am now. I feel like I have so many words of wisdom to share, so many people I could help, so many lives I could touch. I feel as though all my struggles have had to have meant something, anything. How many other people live through such traumatic, scary things, and still find themselves as cohesive, and coherent as I? I feel like I was put on this earth to make a difference, somehow, someway. But my heart pushed me in other directions. Directions now, that I feel...were wrong. And this is where I'm stuck. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way. But I need..I need to do something for me. I feel as though everything I once stood for, believed in, and wanted so badly to change about myself, are now here, standing here in my face. The skeletons have burst free from my closets. And the ghosts of my past have managed to find me. And I find myself here, angry. Angry at myself for allowing that to happen. Angry for going back on all the promises I made to myself, years ago. Angry that I just haven't found what I'm looking for, just yet.

But what is it that I'm looking for? I still don't know. Maybe I'll keep floating aimlessly. Maybe one day I'll find it. But how do you find what you thought was never lost? Where do you look And how did I get so lost? Who knows. I feel as though half my soul is still...out there. Waiting for me. Somewhere.

I feel as though the one person, who's life I was destined to change. The one I was born to...find. To be tangled up with ; cannot see this for themselves. And I go unnoticed. Unappreciated. And it's almost...maddening to try and get them to get it.My worth is not counted by dollars and cents. It is not supposed to be counted by pay days, or by things you could possibly gain. My worth is there. Its there when you look around, and I'm still here. I never left. Its seeing me, bending over backwards, doing anything possible. For you. It's always been you. There has never been any me in that mix. I am tired. I feel as though I've spent so many hours trying to explain this. But it never goes through. Do you know how badly you crush my spirit? I feel subhuman. I feel as though, somehow, I am a second class citizen. I feel as though I have no worth. And I know that is not true. Or is it?

And this is where I'm stuck.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Personal growth.

I feel as though for the first time since I've become a mother, that I'm finally proud of the mom that I am, and I'm even prouder of the people my children have become.

It's not just hard for a single mom to raise kids, it's tough on the kids, too. And with all the distraction that comes with being a single mom (having to work twice as hard, struggling twice as hard, kids being shuffled around for babysitting) the kids sometimes get lost in the mix, and focus isn't always on the kids...its all about survival. And trying to do enough, and be enough, so that the kids don't miss, or crave that second parent. 

As a single mother, I had moved my kids into a low income project, and survived with help from the government. Granted, the place we lived was nice. It just wasn't a nice neighborhood. My children were clothed, and fed, I did what I had to do. I relied heavily on my parents to help me take care of my children. I worked odd jobs just to keep diapers on them, clothes on their backs, and to keep our clothes clean. The neighborhood I was raising them, at that time, wasn't exactly ideal for my children to grow up in forever. It was a place for stability, because we didnt have to move around (like I had before), but the people, the neighborhood, and the environment itself just wasn't the right place for them. And I worked and worked as hard as I could (waiting tables) to try and save up to get them out of there. 

I will admit, back when I was alone, my parenting approach wasn't the best. It was so stressful to be both mom and dad. It was stressful working late nights at a restaurant....if you've never been a waitress, you have no idea how hard this job really is. My life was chaos. The kids were living in that. It was rough. But I can honestly say, as "poor" as we were then, my kids NEVER went without. Not once were the lights shut off, or did my kids ever go without any luxuries, either. They still had christmas, easter, birthdays, and my kids were lucky. There were lots of kids who didn't get a "real" childhood out in the projects. And if they did, they were government based. I always was able to provide my children with real childhood memories..even though our lives were full of struggle.  But I did emotionally struggle. I did not have a clear mind. I was always stressed out, and my children did bear some of that. It's hard. I wasn't the parent that I knew I had the potential to be. 

And then, one day, all of that changed. Out of nowhere, everything changed. 

Dan came along. We made a plan to just get out of there. And within a month (technically not even a full month) from when we started dating, we moved. On a whim. My life completely changed. I had been criticized for that....and i know how crazy it probably seemed to everyone around me. How quickly I just jumped ship, and uprooted my kids. But it was for their complete benefit. We moved back to Pennsville. I knew very well how much this could fail. But I just kept it in good faith. 

And when we moved here....the kids...flourished. We werent in the projects anymore. We were around people who actually respected rules. We were in a place where my kids could sleep without hearing people outside screaming til all hours of the night. We could go outside. We could go swimming in the pool. We can visit mom mom really easily now, since she's almost right around the corner. 

My kids just...grew so much. And I have grown so much this past year. Dan and I got gave not only me, but my kids stability as well. I'm able to provide a whole lot better for my children. I have Dan who helps me discipline, helps teach them...supports their growth. I know that in today's society, single parenthood is way more accepted, and people are more willing to date a single parent....but as crazy as Dan makes me, I am so thankful for him. He really has no idea how much he changed my life. And my kids lives, too. I don't know what i'd do without him.

My kids just surprise me anymore. Caden has really come so far. Since he's started school, he's become this sweet, respectful little boy. He's growing up, and maturing into a really good little guy. He has calmed down so much. He listens to me, he respects me, he helps me... And Riley is such a good little listener. She helps me with the dishwasher, she helps me at snack time, and she helps me put all the groceries away. They are growing up so much, and it makes me so happy that I've molded two great little people.

Just yesterday, I took them out shopping with me. I've taught them the buddy system, and how important it is. So while we are in public, I tell the two of them to hold hands, just so I know where both of them are at all times, and if needed, if I grab one of their hands, I get both. So as we were walking around, the two of them, hand in hand, they helped me pick things out. Then at the checkout line, there was this woman in front of us, and her kids were about my kids ages. And the two of them were tearing up the checkout stuff. Ripping stuff off the shelves, screaming, kicking their mom...and there were my two, just standing there, holding hands...being good. As I approached the register to pay for my items, the cashier even complimented how "sweet" my children were. She said "you look like a young mother...your children are so well behaved, you should be so proud of yourself." and i just smiled. So proud. I took them to get some french fries afterwards as a treat. :)

And then we went to the park for a picnic with friends. My kids were so well behaved, I dont even think most of the people there noticed them. They played nicely with each other. Then we took a walk to the river, and sat down. Both of them held hands all the way to the water. Caden found us a bench to sit on. We just sat and talked. Caden is great company. Very smart, and can hold a real conversation. Then on the way back, we stopped at the playground. It was busy and crowded, so I made it a "number one rule" that Caden not leave Riley. I'd see him get ahead of her, and without me having to say anything, Caden would turn around, and grab his sister by the arm, and go off and play. My heart just swelled. How could I have created such sweet children?

I'm just so proud of them. My mom even told me yesterday how much I have even grown as a parent in the last year. And that just makes me so happy. But I think that my whole happiness, comes as a reflection of my life as a whole. I'm happy. I'm stable. And it just shows in everything that I do...especially my children. <3


Friday, May 24, 2013

The crazy, dark, underground world of the sugar bowl.

I'm sure you've heard of this.

That crazy concept where college aged girls seek an older, wealthy man to help with financial help, college tuition, and other day to day expenses. Many of these women brag that they've never even slept with this very generous man. Which made me wonder...what in the world is in this secretive world? What are the expectations? What do these men REALLY want to receive, and what kind of money ARE they offering?

So, with permission from my husband, I created a fake account. I had explained to Dan that I was merely intrigued by this whole thing. I couldn't understand the allure that it has on younger women, well, besides the money compensation, but I wanted to know WHY these men went after young girls, and not somebody sophisticated, and more his speed. It makes sense, I'm not naive or stupid. All men want an attracted young girl on their arm. But how far are SOME of these men and women going to take these silly relationships? I just HAD to know.

So, I became Kat Jennings. A 22 year old nursing student. Bartender by night. Into photography, animals, and travel. Single. No kids. Unattached. Loves motorcycles, loud music, late nights, and having fun. I was a social drinker, light smoker, and young and free.

 I uploaded a picture of myself. My facebook profile picture. These websites require you wait a 24 hour period before your profile can be approved, to make sure you're not a robot, or trying to use celebrity pictures and say they're you. You need one legit picture. (They reverse image search all pictures.) and the pictures cannot be nude, sexual, or suggestive. Easy enough.

As soon as my account went from pending, to approved, I already had 30 emails in my private inbox from men everywhere. California, New York, Jersey. And I had over 25 "winks". Where a user can just simply press a button that says they are interested, but want YOU to send the first message. Fair enough.

I started replying to the emails. I just had to know exactly what in the world was up with this. Why would a man WANT to flash his money just to attract someone? But the answers became extremely obvious after a few short emails back and forth with a few of these guys.

Most of them have done this before, many times. I had never been involved with anything like this before. I always just met people in the area, went out with them...Sugar daddy/baby dating relationships are way different than anything else I've ever seen. It's almost a game. It's like a job for the potential "sugar baby." My fake profile was so vague. You can even specify what kind of financial support you want to accept. The amounts go from $1000 all the way up to $20000 a month. 20 grand a month? What in the world...I didnt know which one to click on, so i clicked the option "amount is negotiable" but then, i figured, i might as well make it $3000 a month. I guess I wanted to seem like I knew what I actually wanted, and that I would be worth talking to.

The first user contacted my fake profile seemed very nice at first. Told me he could "treat me like a princess, spoil me, and give me great financial help." I emailed it back. Just asking a few questions. He seemed uneasy to keep emailing through the site. He was more interested in getting my phone number. He wanted to make sure I was a real person, with a real life, and not some weirdo on the internet. (which is crazy, it should be the other way around.) anyway, i found a free app that lets you pick a fake cell phone number without ever having to use your real one. I downloaded the app, got my fake number, and texted him. Conversation was friendly. He asked me what kind of expectations I had. I was very specific. I wasn't going to sleep with ANYONE for money. He went into deeper conversation, telling me that his marriage was basically over, and missed the womanly "touch" that I could offer, he missed conversation, and he missed the young woman his wife used to be. I just would just cutely respond, and left it at that. The texting app I had downloaded gave me the option to log out of the app and no more texts would come through. So I could easily just shut that life off, and go back to my real life.

This same man, I kept in contact with for a period of two days. I never offered him any personal, or real information. He told me the name of the business he ran, where he lived, when he wanted me to visit, and what he would do to me if I had come to visit. This man is 54 years old. My father's age. And he kept demanding I send him pictures of my body. Just to "make sure I really look young and attractive." I never sent pictures other than what you can find on my facebook or instagram. All clean, all public. All of my face. He emailed me (on a fake email address I'd created for this account) a full scale picture of himself. Dressed in a business suit. This man was shorter than he had described himself to be on his profile. And alot heavier. And older looking than he had for his "public" viewable picture. The picture on his profile had to have been years old. The recent one he sent me, showed a balding man. Overweight. Sloppy. Wrinkled. And he kept having the nerve to ask me if I was attractive, and as young as I said I was. (not tooting my own horn, but yeah, i definitely am...). Which I thought was funny. You want a young, attractive woman to be with, but you're an overweight, balding man... I kept just turning off the app, so I would avoid getting his texts. And eventually when I turned it back on, he had texted me 20 times. Begging me to talk to him. Begging me to send him pictures. Begging me to just forgive him. Promising to give me money, and lavish gifts. This is the dark side of this "relationship". The men become hooked on the idea of the woman being in his life, that he'll stop at nothing to keep her. Almost stalker like behavior. I was proud of myself for taking all the false steps into never giving out anything real or personal in my life. This man had the potential to really hurt me.

I'd check my profile, and my profile on average was being hit over 350 times a day. I'd have FLOODS of emails, so many I couldn't even keep up. These men were between the ages of 38-79. Some men just sent small, generic messages, that you could tell they mass send, just to see who responds. Others were very in depth, well thought out, and I could tell they read the bullshit on my profile, because they would include tag lines, or things I'd had written on it. One man, was very blunt, and came off rather rude. He is a 65 year old man. His message was very to the point, almost arrogant. He told me basically that he knew that I needed him, and if I wanted the cash, I'd better do whatever he told me to do, and I was expected to keep my mouth closed, never fight him, and I'd be handsomely rewarded. I emailed back. I asked him what he meant by that. He told me that "You'll get your money. To keep you quiet, and to give me whatever I want. You come to me twice a week, and every 1st of the month, I'll deposit $4000 in your bank account. Give me the info right now about your bank, and i'll deposit $2000 in good faith. Is this what you want?" It had become apparent to me, that 90% of the men on this site were married, and wanted to pay off a younger woman for many reasons. To stay quiet. To stay attractive. And to stay around. I can see why many young people in desperate times become hooked on relationships like this. You could easily have many sugar daddies. They only want to see you a few times a month. And you could walk away with a small fortune, if you were smart. These men want you completely dependent on them, and they'll pay you...if you do what you're told.

I never took it past the mere messaging back and forth, and texts on my fake phone number app. But all the men were the same. I must have talked to at least 20 different men during this little experiment. All only truly wanted one thing. Sex with a younger woman. Their profiles, and initial banter with me would suggest they wanted companionship, (non sexual), a partner for a business trip, and somebody to talk to on skype, and to keep company once or twice a week. Then, once they actually started talking to me, they would push the idea of just forgetting they ever mentioned a real friendship turned relationship, and just make it all about sexual favors for money. And for all that, why not just hire an escort? When I'd ask them this, they would get angry, and tell me that they were done speaking to me. Which was fine. I just dont understand why go through such great lengths to pretend you want a relationship, when you can buy sex right off craigslist, and not have to give her as much money. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Bottom line, these relationships are dangerous. And I can totally see why the women stay in them. Fast, free money, with little work to be done. You just have to close your eyes, and take whatever they do to you, (which I never did, just making that clear...I never received any monies from anyone, nor did I meet anyone in public) and I just have more dignity than that. Plus, the obvious, is that I'm married, lol. But these so-called sugar daddies dont care about their younger flings. They want somebody young and dumb, who they want to get dependent on them, so they'll do anything for that cash. And that's just sickening. I've seen episodes of Dr. Phil where there was a sugar daddy/baby couple on the show that swore their relationship was real friendship, real love, and true companionship. And I call bullshit on that. There truly is no woman out there who would really get into this, if there was NO money involved. These men are perverted, and most have children my age.

The men don't truly care about you. It's all about just being seen with an attractive young woman, and giving her a small fortune payout so she doesn't say anything. The mutual benefit these sites tell you they offer are all superficial. It's a disgusting thing. Borderline prostitution. An escort service of types. Just not something I would ever be really desperate enough to ever partake in. Even if I was a struggling college student. There are so many better ways to make money, then having to lead some old, saggy, gross man on for instant glorification. But that's what we are built on today, sad, but true.

Go and see for yourself!
its free for women. Go ahead. See for yourself. Just a big, online prostitution ring.


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

confessions of the house wife.

I really love my life.

I do.

But these last couple weeks have been almost crippling on my mental state.

I don't expect people to jump through hoops, and tell me I'm amazing everyday, or every minute of everyday. But just some plain ol appreciation would probably do me wonders right now.

The constant cleaning up behind everyone. Cooking all the meals. Making sure everyone has a hot breakfast, and hot dinner every night. The constant emptying, reloading, emptying dishwasher sequence...making sure everyone's got what they need, staying up late and packing would be nice to hear how much I AM appreciated. Even shown a bit of appreciation. I don't know if how I'm feeling is even realistic. Maybe I'm just expecting a little too much?

I mean think about it. Think back to your childhood. Who was the foundation in your family? Your mother. Your mother made sure you had everything you needed, made your meals, ensured your clothes were clean, picked up after you, made sure everything was in good, running order. And how many times did you truly appreciate her? If you're anything like me, you DIDN'T realize how amazing of a woman your mom is, until you left the house. When I'm hungry, I can't go into the kitchen and ask my mom to fix me a sandwich, when my hamper is full, I can't drag it down to the laundry room and ask my mom to wash my clothes while I'm out.

All of that is on me. And on your wife, your girlfriend, the woman in your life. And how often do you show her how much you appreciate it?

My kids are still small. Caden is six now, so he's starting to see how much I do. He tells me he loves me, and that he's happy I'm his mommy. But nothing is more frustrating than to have made a meal, and Caden refuses to eat what I've given him. Telling me he WON'T eat it. Or the back talking that comes with growing up. I hate it. The power struggle with kids. Knowing what's best, and them fighting you tooth and nail. Completely forgetting how hard I work behind the scenes to ensure his needs are met. That hurts. Him not knowing how hard I looked for that special birthday toy he wanted, or staying up late baking his birthday cupcakes. Him not knowing how tired I am, but still making sure he gets his good night kisses. Only for him to wake up the next morning, and give me a hard time, and just misbehave. It makes me wish I was a better kid. Because I never understood my mom's struggle. I didn't know how much it would truly hurt, and feel like until my kids turn around and do it to me.

And i'm not downing Dan. He's a decent guy. But I wish he would truly see my worth, sometimes. While he worked his 12 hour shifts, even as tired as I was from being woken up by him at 5am, staying up making his lunch, making sure his errands were run on time...keeping up with things he normally not even so much as to hear from him a simple "thanks, i know this has probably been rough on you, too." Sometimes all you really need is to hear your feelings are valid, and you're not just being a brat. I try to be the best wife I possibly can. I cook almost every night. He gets a hot breakfast. I make sure to keep up on my obligations as "wife". Keep the house clean, keep the kids in order, hot dinner, clothes cleaned, husband taken care of. I don't think he sees how much I really do. I don't think he understands how hard it is to wear so many hats. All he really has to do is take out some trash, and help carry things that are heavy (and reach things for me because i'm so short). Other than that, I ask for nothing. I do for me. But I do for me last. Behind everyone else. Sometimes I forget I am an actual person, since I have put three people ahead of me.

And I know, it's probably my fault that I've forgotten my own identity. But I've been a mother before I was a legal adult. I don't know it any other way. I don't know what it is like to have a normal, young adult life. My children ARE my life. And I've thrown myself headfirst into being the wife that my mother was. She never asked for anything. I strive to be like her. And she has told me, when I grew up, how difficult it really can be to be mommy and wife. You forget who YOU are. I gave up my whole life for my children. And I've given up a lot of ME for Dan. Because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be caregiver. I like my role. But I wish I could be selfish, and do for ME first. But that just wouldn't feel "right". I don't know.

Maybe I'm just being an unrealistic brat. That really could just be the case. But I just dream of the people in my life, that I do so much for, would once in a while would just step back, and see how much I really do. I don't think that's so much to ask. =/


Monday, April 1, 2013

The things Dan taught me.

Marriage is very tricky thing. You go from "boyfriend & girlfriend" who just live together, who share nothing, who can walk away at the drop of a legally bound, to not being able to walk away so easily. It's enduring alot of things you wouldn't want to go through otherwise. It's the biggest commitment two people can really have. To some, its "just a piece of paper" ; but those people have obviously ever been married. It's having good days, great days, and downright shitty days. It's having the time of your life one day, to feeling like you're hitting rock bottom and there's no way out. It's the comfort of knowing you've got somebody next to you for the rest of your life, and it's the fear of failure that lingers in the back of your mind, too. It's great to be married, it really is. But it's also scary, too... because you realize that there are things you are going to go through that a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would not go through.

I've also learned alot about myself these last couple months, too. I come from a pretty screwed up, dysfunctional past, and I never really had time to really process who I truly am. And it's easy to get yourself lost.

Dan is unlike anyone I've ever met before. And in his crazy ways, and made me learn alot about who I truly am, as a person. I've learned through him, that I am capable of a whole lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. My previous relationship, I was so co-dependent, and was scared to do anything on my own. When Dan and I moved in together, I started having to do things on my own. I've also learned that I am completely fine, and found complete comfort in myself. He has a large circle of friends that he does things with, and sometimes I do not join him. This was a tough transition for me, especially with all the abandonment issues that I've worked through since being with Angel. I have learned that I am my own worst critic through him. He came into my life at a really critical moment in my weightloss journey. I was about half way through when I met him. At that point where I was losing weight, and beginning to change, but still looked awkward, and in between. As my body changed, he was almost like my cheerleader, reminding me how skinny I was getting ; and kept me going. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, and he's always there with just the right amount of "stop it" and "you look great". I've learned how to be independent through him. He is older than me ; and already set in his ways. I cannot change him, and I don't really want to..but I've learned how to be independent and think for myself first through him. He has this mentality. And I've learned it from him, and adapted myself around it. I've also learned how much of a good woman that I am. I think most men out there would probably cut off their arm to have a wife like me. (not trying to toot my own horn here...) But I am attentive, loving, and I do everything for him. He's got it very good around here. And I don't do these things for him because I feel I have to ; I do them because I want him to realize how good I am. And I think he does. I was joking with him yesterday saying "you're gonna be a meanie to me after all the nice things I do for you?" and he gave me that infamous Dan Palumbo smirk, and said "You really do alot of nice things for me." That's what I do it for. That little appreciation. I'd like to think I'm the glue that keeps this house running. I'm everyone's maid, chef, errand runner, food runner, grocery shopper...I've learned how to just grow into this wonderful wife through Dan. (and my mama). I've just blossomed into this wonderful stay at home mom & wife. Him and I have been through some rocky stuff, but I truly can't imagine going through the rest of my life with anybody else.


Thursday, March 28, 2013

I am mommy, thats why.

So, as a mom, I've found out some things along the way. Tricks, tips, ways to save sanity. I'm sure all moms have them, but my list...goes a little something like this ;

The things you've been lied to about parenting, and what I've actually learned...

1.) Science is wrong. You definately don't need 8 full hours of sleep a night to function. Once you bring a baby home, sleep is such a foreign concept.
        a.) And for all those people say "nap when the baby naps!" obviously don't understand that mommy is still a person, and has things to do...and showers to take, and baby puke clothes to wash.
         b.) And those same people who say "nap when the baby naps" obviously did not have two childen, because that is next to impossible.

2.) Sleeping babies in magazines and TV look so cute and peaceful sleeping on their mommy's chest, and in their own cribs. It almost makes you want to capture the same picture and frame it beautifully forever!
         a.) This does not really happen in real life. When your baby is sleeping, you walk away. QUICKLY. dont try taking a picture with the fear you will wake them. Babies are not (I REPEAT NOT) heavy sleepers.
         b.) Get used to not sleeping. Forget what your bed looks like, you wont see it for a while.

3.) Breastfeeding is so natural, and looks so easy! I'll be a pro at it in no time!
           a.) Breastfeeding hurts, feels weird, and sucks. You will feel a natural ability to do it, but you may also feel slightly strange when a baby is sucking on your nipple. Its nice that baby gets what baby needs from breastmilk, but the whole concept is...strange. And your boobs will never look the same. But its worth it! And it takes lots of hard work to learn what works for you.
           b.) it's also weird to have to wear "nipple diapers" in your bras to prevent leakage. Nothing more embarassing than warm boob juice running down your shirt. :)

4.) I will love being a mommy! It looks so fun and amazing!
         a.) it definatly is, but nobody warns you how lonely and overwhelmed you're going to feel first few months. People will make you feel guilty if you need help, and you'll run into LOTS of sancitmommies who never make mistakes. Ignore them. They're robots. They're not real.

5.) Having a second child is pretty easy, because you already know what you're doing.
        a.) NO. just no. A second child adds so much more craziness into the mix. It is NOT easy and "no big deal" like some mothers tell you. Adding a second (or more) child into the mix, is just as hard as having your first kid. You've got an older child that gets jealous of the baby, feels left out, and begin to act like a baby too. These first few months of adding more kids, takes lots of patience. LOTS. Best way to get through this? Lock yourself in a bathroom for a few hours a day and rock back and forth. Nothing else calm your nerves.

6.) All pregnancies look so easy, and I've never heard of anything bad happening!
        a.) See, I thought so too. Until four months into my first pregnancy, my son was diagnosed with a birth defect I never heard of. I thought the worst that could happen was preterm labor, or some high blood pressure. Oh, and if your pregnancy is NOT textbook, for the love of everyting holy, DON'T (I REPEAT DONT) google. Forget that google, webmd, and any other health website exists. for your own sanity.

7.) Toddlerhood looks fun! I can't wait to take my kid to the park, and do lots of fun stuff with him/her!
       a.) Toddlerhood is fun....if you like root canals. (I joke, I joke). By the time your kid turns two, they've realized they are a little person, with a little voice. And their favorite word is "NO". (all that discipline you've tried, comes back to bite you at this stage! no is a quick favorite word of all little people). And you spend your day in a power struggle. "Come on little one, lets get a bath!" "NO" "come on, lets get a snack!" "NO" at this point, you've lost control. Stay in bed til your kid goes to school, you're not going to win. Hibernate. Your best way to get through this stage.

8.) Yay! My little one is going to start school! I can't it to volunteer for school functions and all that fun stuff!
       a.) Honestly, by the time my son hit school, the new break without him here is like...heaven. I can clean, sit down, get errands done.
       b.) You're not a bad mom if you just "lose" those pesky "sign up here to volunteer for this class room event" paper...

These are the ones that make me laugh the most. What are yours?