Friday, February 1, 2013

being honest with myself.

                                              You like to think you're never wrong ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You have to act like you're someone ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You want someone to hurt like you ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                          You want to share what you have been through ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).

I heard these lyrics today. This is from a song that I actually forgot about. But Pandora suggested I listen to it, and honestly, it really just describes exactly what's going on in my life right now.

But I find myself being exactly like this sometimes. When Dan and I argue, I am a very defensive, angry, straight up nasty person. I say terrible things I do not mean. My anger almost turns on a light switch somewhere in my body, and I snap into this person that I do not even recognize. And it's not just to him ; it's to everyone that i come in contact with. I have hurt many people with the way that I can be when I am angry.  My mom must have gotten the brunt end of all my anger. I just...say things that are awful, and completely inexcusable. Things that just shoot out of my mouth. Things I do not think about. Things that come from this almost dark, evil part of my brain.

And I seriously cannot control it. I have tried. I have tried to walk away from confrontation. I have tried to just go into another room. I have tried going outside. But, I don't know. My anger just takes over, and this part of me just emerges, and I actually feel almost a thrill. I feel powerful when I am angry. I get this...rush. It's almost like an adrenaline rush, and then I cannot remember anything else. I just like picking apart my opponent.

But it's what I've learned. I was the victim of somebody's else's anger. And I guess after being so beaten down, I've picked up that dirty habit of being the aggressor. Because in the back of my brain, sometimes I can associate anger with love, and relationships. I learned this behavior. It is almost like a second nature type of thing. When there is confrontation, become a bigger aggressor. I saw this behavior for years. It's almost drilled into my head now. I do not want to be the victim anymore. And it doesn't matter if the argument is over something dumb like something misplaced, or a huge argument over finances...I just take it too far...too many times.

But honestly, I think it's time that i stop letting everything in my past dictate how my future goes. I didn't ask for anyone to treat me like that, and in turn, I have started treating people that I love very dearly the same way. And that's not fair.

I didn't ask to be treated like that, and nobody deserves being treated that way, either. I don't like being that nasty, vile person. That's not who I am, and I've come way too far to succumb to something like that now.

I am a wonderful person. I have so much love. I have so much light. I have so much to offer anybody. I have to let go of the many ties that used to bind me to being a very bitter, and sad person. That is not my life anymore. I chose a life for not only me, but for my children to be free of people who hurt us, and people who use us. I have a wonderful relationship with somebody I genuinely love, and I (hope) genuinely loves me too.

I just need to take this one day at a time. It took almost six years to learn this stuff, and although i've been out of that situation for a long time now ; the scars are still there. And I don't want to lose what I have because of that. I lost a huge chunk of who I was because of all that stuff I had already been through.

I don't think anybody can really understand what I'm saying, or totally get what I'm trying to say here...unless they've been there. I mean, I am already so much judged for my past. And I am not proud of it either. But you just don't get out of a relationship that was so extremely abusive, and get out without any scars, or any triggers. It's still so very real in my mind...even though so much time has passed. I have many many triggers...and things that just set me right back to where I used to be. Anger is one of them. I don't know how to process anger. Another thing, is self-loathing. Some days, for absolutely no reason at all, I will just be in this really terrible mood, and just feel completely inadequate. And nothing really brings it on. Sometimes just a small little joke can just make me SO incredibly sensitive.

But, I completely tons of therapy in my past, and without that, I don't think I would have been half the person I am now. I'm still incredibly flawed, and yeah, I have my moments...but I have come a LONG long way. I have learned how to trust. I have learned how to love. I have overcome alot of things in five years. I have become a stronger, way more understanding person. I have SO much empathy for people I never had before. And I have learned how to a better person. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle within their lives...and I have learned that sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on can make all the difference in the world. I have become the change that I want to see in the world...

I just have to be honest with myself, and take responsibility for how much my anger can just be...cruel. That is one thing I really want to work on this year. I want to let go of everything that comes along with that. And honestly, I think I'm completely capable. I'm just not so sure where to start.


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