Friday, February 8, 2013


I've been working on myself the last few days. I ignored my phone, my texts...half my friends ; I just wanted to sit in, be a hermit, and really start working on ME. I can't be the person I truly want to be when my mind is distracted, and full of just self crippling thoughts. I don't know why I put myself down, and doubt myself. My pain lately has been unbearable, and after trying for days to be a superwoman, I just succumbed to it. I began lashing out at everyone around me. I began being very angry, and resentful of my husband. Totally unfair. Totally not okay. And in turn, he reacted, and wasn't very nice to me, either. I let my mind wander. I let my body take my mind hostage. And it's not hard to do when the pain is so unbearable and you feel so miserable, you just automatically get in such a funk, and don't even want to function.

I just start getting so down, and start feeling like "maybe this is all in my head". And then I start feeling almost crazy. Like I was sitting here in my house just calling out for help, and crying out and acting like almost a baby because I couldn't get anyone to get it. And I started slipping into such a depression that I sometimes just didn't want to get out of bed. My body felt like it was starting to fail me. And my mind started failing me, too. It was like I couldn't control any of my words, or actions. And then I blamed it on how shitty I felt. Which is excusable, I guess...but still doesn't make it right.

I was becoming short tempered with my kids...and just felt like I was losing my mind over the silliest things. I was mad at them for just being...well, kids. The pain was getting so bad that I just didn't want to be bothered. But I'm a mother, first and foremost, and I was letting that slide so bad. And that wasn't fair to them. I sat, and I reflected for a while, and realized that I was just going about everything all wrong. I wasn't being the mother that I know I am. And I started just getting myself back out of my funk, and started focusing better on them. Caden came home the other day and painted me a picture that said "I LOVE MOM" and honestly, it almost made me cry. It made me realize that I am getting better, and that he really does love me, and appreciates me, even when I'm going through so much in my own body, and mind.

But yesterday, I got a shower, put on real clothes (i spent so many days in a pair of yoga pants with nappy hair) & straightened my hair, and just felt better. I straightened my hair, did all my laundry, made a decent dinner, played with my kids. It just put me in a better mood, all around. I got everything off my chest that I had to say to my husband. I feel...better. I feel in a better place. I feel like now I am in better control of everything. I am scared that it's going to get back to that point again, so I have reached out to my pain management doctors. I can't really afford the medication that I need to get, but they have decided they are willing to work with me so that I can get my relief. They don't want me to be in pain. They don't want me to go back into the whole depression mode that I was in for almost a week straight due to it. And that was great to hear. I'm glad that I'll be able to still get my doctor's visits and medicine without going broke to get it.

I just feel like me again. I feel happy. I feel in a better mindset. I feel bad that I basically blew everyone off for almost a week...but sometimes you just don't need distractions from anyone when you feel so shitty. And I'm sorry if I left you hanging. But i just needed this week. To sit and think. To be alone. To really fix me.

But yeah. Feeling much better. In a better place. feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally...just...better. :)


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