Sunday, March 3, 2013

it never gets easier?

Before and after. Last year I put on that bikini (on the left), and convinced myself I looked "decent." 

And the bikini I will wear this year on the beach (on the right). 

Even seeing it this way, I can obviously see that my body has improved, and i am so happy with that. I look skinnier, I feel healthier, I can tell my clothes fit differently. I don't have as many "wiggly" parts as I did last year. I can actually wear that style bottom and not feel like i'm too "fat." The scale says I currently weigh 127 pounds. My clothes say I wear a size four pant, and a small sized shirt. But my brain still sees me in a size 11, and weigh 170+ pounds. And society says I am still not what beautiful is.

How much more weight am I supposed to lose, until I can qualify myself as "pretty"? This is almost getting tiring. And I know this sounds ridiculous, like "oh jeeze shut up." But nobody warns you how you're supposed to feel after the weight is gone. Every thing I put into my body I am terrified will start adding up, and just make all my hard work be for nothing. It's exhausting. I know my body will never be "perfect." I mean, I've had two children. My children left their marks on my body. I have stretch marks, my stomach will be "forever round" and I cannot literally get it any flatter. And the area around my ribcage can not get any smaller without my ribs just sticking out, and looking sickly...but I just have this struggle in my brain like "just ten more pounds and I'll be better." "Let me drop just one more pants size and I'll be looking great!" And this is not healthy. It's almost like in my heart I am happy. But my brain is just NOT okay with how I look.

But nobody tells you that's what happens after a big weight loss. Everyone makes it look like "you lose weight, you just love what you see" its like my body and my brain haven't been able to meet in the same place yet and come to agreement that we are happy as a whole. 
But I guess my answer to all of this? Just screw it. I was never meant to be a model type. I am 5'2. I was born to have a fuller figure. I will never be a blonde. I will never have blue eyes. I will never be what "society" and main stream media says I need to be to be perfect. I do not have the figure of a 12 year old boy. At like 11 years old, I was the first girl in my class to develop an hourglass figure, and become curvy. (thanks genetics) I have a thicker figure than most people I know, and this is how I was destined to be. I have a small waist, and fuller hips. In my opinion (and I am picky), most women should WANT a figure like mine. It's what the 50s used to tell us was perfect. When did a 12 year old boy body become "sexy"? I see women on the beach with absolutely NO curve to their shape. I see women with no ass, just switching in their walk like they had anything to shake anywhere. I've NEVER looked like that. I don't even think I looked like that in 6th grade. And I'm finally starting to let myself be okay with that. 

Now just to convince my brain of this... But I'll get there, someday. =/

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