Monday, March 18, 2013

Promise me, you'll leave the light on.

Do you ever sit around and think about every small choice, every person you've talked too...every thing you've done in your life lead you where you are now? People seem to think that everything happens for a reason, or that you cannot test fate. But what if you can? 

I mean why in the world do people go through so many terrible things? What kind of plan includes people suffering, and going through things that could almost push people to the brink of ending their own lives? What kind of lesson does that really teach you? I mean, some people are strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown their way. But according to "fate", even suicide is something unavoidable, if that's the path you are taken down from whatever fate you've been dealt. But why? I don't see how that could be some elaborate plan. More like a terrible decision you cannot undo.

I mean, people tell me all the time, after they really get to know me, how "strong" I am, how they don't know how I've done half the things I've done, and am still here talking to you. But I feel like 80% of what I've been through could have been completely unavoidable if I had made better decisions. I had the power to get myself out of a lot of situations I've been in, but I was always too weak, too stupid, or not willing to get out of them. There literally was a point in my life that I didn't care what happened to me. I just figured my life would never get any better, and nobody would even notice if I even existed anymore. But is that fate? Was I supposed to just give up, and give in to that? According to some people, yes. But according to me, that wasn't acceptable. I didn't want to succumb to some crappy life, living out of a car, getting drunk, not caring anymore. That wasn't a life. That was pitiful. Although I do not like to "victim blame" or even try prolonging a bad situation, what if I had just left when my parents offered me to leave the first time? I wouldn't have had a crappy two years where my life was just completely out of control. I would look in the mirror, and have no idea who I even was. I'd forgotten my identity. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't remember my favorite foods. I didn't even remember my birthday. I was just this shell of a person with nothing left. I gave all that to another person, and just lived that way. My parents offered me over and over again to come home, and get out of that before it was too late. And I never listened. I told myself my  life was meant to be that way. And this dark period of my life just made me the person I am today. But it took a long time to get there. But...what if I had gone home? Then I wouldn't have such a sad story. I wouldn't have anybody to blame for robbing me of my last few years as a teenager. I would have been safely at home, with my parent's support. Not trapped in my own personal hell, where I had no rights. And I wouldn't have such a screwed up way of thinking. And I wouldn't feel so inadequate like I do. I wouldn't suffer with PTSD. I wouldn't suffer with trust. And I'd be completely normal. But no. I didn't do that. I figured that was my fate. And i accepted it, like you're supposed to. 

But something in me clicked. Finally. To the relief of everyone who actually gave two shits about me. I stopped living with blinders on. I crawled on my hands and knees with my belongings on my back, and I got into my car. And I left. Just like that. Didn't tell anyone. Just did. And things were hard. REAL hard. Almost harder than they were when I actually lived that pathetic existence everyday. But it didn't last long, because I WENT BACK. This is where I'm pretty sure it wasn't fate anymore. And I just stepped in there, and did the opposite. But why? I still can't answer this question. I made it ten times worse.

But at some point I have to stop complaining, and just deal with it. And I think thats half my problem. I never did. I never coped with it. I just pushed it down into the pits of my stomach, and just pretended it didnt happen. I never did anything to help myself. I just moved to Salem, and pretended that I was okay. And never spoke of it again. I never really even got a chance to even open all the way up to my own husband to really let him KNOW what I went through. I've done enough to scratch the surface, but I want to be able to tell him. Because it shouldn't bother me anymore. But it does. And I feel like everyone is sick of me trying to deal with it. i'm sick of thinking about it. 

but this gets me back to where i was trying to go before all of this just jumped off my fingertips.

Fate. People you meet. People you barely know. People you've only seen, but never talked to. All a part of your equation? And how do you test it?

Now, if I never moved to salem, i wouldn't have met half of the people there. (obviously). I would have never convinced others to move out there. I used to completely blame myself because WAY back in the day, like 2010ish I had been out there for a year. And people started coming out there because I was suggesting it to people who needed a place to live. Anyway, long story short...Dan ended up out there. And not too much longer after that...his now EX ended up out there, too. And the only reason SHE ended up there was because she asked me about it. And then, she moved in. Not even six months later, Dan was with her. (which i really felt like was my fault because i had helped her, in a way, get there. i remember talking with her about it...) and how it broke up his family, and just pretty much pissed everyone off who knew what was going on. and then, like a year or so later...I send Dan an innocent message...which ended up with exchanging numbers...which turned into a friendship...then beach trips...then, well, more (just use your imagination)...If I had never talked to that girl about moving to salem, and she started dating dan, and me messaging dan...i'd probably not be married. How weird is that to think about? Almost blows my mind. I never even thought about that before until today. Like how weird is that. I mean, I'm not necessarily proud of hurting people ; but it's just funny to me how all those small, little details brought me to where I am now. Happily married ; in love with my bestfriend...spending the rest of my life with somebody I never gave a second look. Just...nuts.

Was all that fate? Or did I stir the pot? You choose. :)

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