Saturday, March 23, 2013

tattoo ; weightloss updates, and whatnot. :)

This tattoo may be cliche to you. It may just be a stupid song, four stupid words that I shouldn't have tattooed onto myself. But their meaning goes a whole lot deeper than that. 

I really should be the most bitter person in the entire world. I've been through so much shit in my short existence. I've been hurt to my core. Beaten down, thrown away like garbage, left alone, abandoned by people I thought loved me. I have enough anger, enough bitterness to let it completely consume me. And for a while, I did. I resented men. ALL men. I never completely trusted any man that even so much looked at me. I had been so violated by a man who claimed that loved me. And being that young and stupid, I believed it. For a while, I truly believed that all men were that way, and that I would just have to live my life that way. And not just that, I hurt for my children too. They were abandoned, too. And for a while, I used to believe it was all my fault. I spent so many years in an untrusting depression...trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with ME. I was convinced it was me. Like...maybe if I was thinner, prettier, funnier, more fun to be around...maybe men wouldn't treat me so badly. Maybe nobody would hurt me anymore. And I lived my life that way for YEARS. I don't even know what clicked into my brain that "this is bullshit" (pretty much what it came too). And I just started living for myself. 

And this song. by Bright Eyes. No lies, just love. I stumbled upon it on an old CD I bought a few years prior, and never really listened to. I was driving by myself near the river when I let the whole song play through. Going through one of the darkest times in my entire life. I had just moved my things out my apartment AGAIN back into my parents house for the thousandth time. And I was clearing my head. And it came on, and I remember driving by the river, and just the words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so true. Every word. And I knew that I had to start being a better person. FOR ME. not for anyone else. And i truly had so much to offer someone. And to not let my passed consume me anymore. 

And I started figuring myself out. For so many years I was completely consumed by another person. A toxic person. A person who probably wouldn't spit on me if I were in flames. I forgot who I was in that mess. I started to reflect on myself, and what I wanted. Who I wanted to be. Becoming a better person, a better mother, a better me. I owed that much to myself. I couldn't let HIM win. I couldn't just succumb to that. I was way more worthy of a good life, and I no longer wanted him to steal that from me.

And then I met my husband. In the craziest, spur of the moment type encounter. I wasn't expecting anything of him, which made it way more exciting and fun. I went into this relationship with absolutely no expectation, with no intention of getting attached, with no reason to fall in love. And just something...happened. Which surprised me. I just let myself get really close to somebody, really quickly. And it just felt right. He's not perfect, and I'm not either. And its not always all happy peaches and cream ; but at the end of the day, I know he truly does love me, and appreciate me. Just as I feel the same way about him. I used to think I knew what love was, and he just came into my life at a point that I truly needed him. And i didn't think that I did. I let myself finally open up, let the walls fall down, and truly give somebody half my heart, knowing he could just break it. I may have so much baggage, and still have my moments, but I left my past in my past. He is seriously the best ever. I don't think I could ever give him enough credit for everything he truly does, and how much he truly means to me. 

So, the no lies, just love. I have been broken. And I have been untrusting, and I have made a hundred mistakes...I have been shattered, and to some, I may be just "used goods" because I come with so much baggage and heartbreak. I have hardly anything to offer to my husband. But I can promise him, forever and always, I may not be everything you ever dreamed of, but I can always offer you no lies, just love. For you, and for me, too. 

So when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies, just love.
Just love. I will be pure. No, no, I know i will be pure. Like snow, like gold.

I've pretty much plateaued in my weight loss. I don't think I can literally get any smaller. I am currently 126 pounds. I've lost like 4 pounds or something in the last two weeks. But I don't think its possible to physically get ANY smaller. My rib cage is too wide, and my hip bones are too wide as well to really get any tinier. But as far as any extra "fat" goes, I really don't want to lose anymore of that. I don't want to lose my shape. I like the way I am shaped. I just like the compliments I currently get from my husband. He told me the other day "look how tiny you are!" and I literally smiled about it all day. It just made me feel good. So, I think I'm satisfied with it. When he first met me, I was just starting out...about mid way through. I had lost about 20 pounds when I met him. And even in the first photos of the two of us, you can tell a huge difference in me. I think he's happy with it, and (legally...) I don't have to please anyone else. If it's good for him, its good for me.

I just have a lot to be happy about these days. I really honestly do <3

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