This passed week has been an extreme test of basically everything I thought I knew. I've learned so much about myself that I never really spent a whole lot of time really thinking about. I spent a lot of time by myself, thinking, reflecting, and just really evaluating everything going on in my life, and around me. I've thought a alot about myself, my marriage, my parenting, myself...everything. And the things I have come up with helped me put together a plan of action, for how I want to keep living, and to keep growing.
1.) Stop yelling.
Motherhood is difficult. It's the only profession in the entire world that doesn't come with a manual. Its the only job that the pay is $0 a year, but the reward is so much greater. Its the most challenging, frustrating, loving, confusing, and awesome thing any mother can be lucky enough to do. But, it comes with a daily mistake. My biggest mistake is not finding a good form of discipline, and sticking to it. And I've found out, that the more frustrated I get, the more I yell. And me yelling at the kids, doesn't help anything but fuel my frustration. Yelling at them wasn't my way of "discipline" it was my form of trying to gain control ; and in that, I lost my voice, lost control of the situation, and just became more frustrated. It doesn't work. So, i have stopped doing it. And honestly? The kid's behavior is so much better when I'm a more chilled out mom. They respond better to me handling the situation in a calm, and composed manner. I've found out that I feel more calm, and I feel better because I'm not going to sleep feeling like I've just been terrorizing my kids all day by yelling and getting frustrated. And their moods are better. And my mood is better. I spend better quality time with them. And we communicate better. And there are more hugs and kisses. That's the best part.
2.) Stop worrying.
I worry way too much. From the foods I eat, to the weight I'm losing, to the clothes I can't fit (everything is WAY too big now, and I basically only have three pairs of pants that actually fit anymore) to housework...to my marriage. The worrying causes nothing but unnecessary stress on myself. I have worried myself sick sometimes. Worried myself into comparison. I at one time worried if I so much as gained a pound or two, my husband wouldn't love me anymore. I started comparing myself to every woman I'd see and wonder if I could ever look like her. and then I'd worry some more that my husband was somehow disappointed in my looks. It was getting ridiculous. And i'm sure I drove him crazy. I need to stop all that. I've spent time re-evaluating myself, and truly realizing that I am a good person. And I've become a beautiful woman. I've become more patient, more kind...I dont worry about the small things. I used to worry that my husband would cheat on me every day, and I seriously pushed him so far away, that I'm sure he wasn't so sure if he wanted to even stay with me. My worrying and comparison almost ruined my marriage. I used to give Dan a hundred questions when he would leave, and come back. And he would get so irritated with me, and stay out even longer. When I am calm, do my own thing, and leave him alone, and let him be free...he comes back less stressed and mad. I don't worry about that anymore. Trying to keep him on a leash, I'm only hurting myself. So i've let all that go, too. And i'm so much happier this way. (and i'm sure he is, too.)
3.) Be the best ME that I can be.
As a mommy, and a wife, I always come last. My needs are ALWAYS met last. And for a while, I was okay with that. But I have found out that when I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I don't think my husband has realized this yet, though. I try not to ask for much. I try not to ask him for help, or for anything, really. I wish he was more assertive, and wanted to put my needs ahead of other things, sometimes.... But I'm taking better care of myself, for me. I do things to make Me feel good. Dressing nice, or sometimes NOT dressing nice. I feel good listening to myself, not trying to please anyone else. My self esteem has gone up so high because i'm not worried about what anyone thinks of me. I am more centered, more grounded. And I do things I want to do. This makes me feel more healthy. Mentally healthy. And that's helped me be a better mom, and wife.
4.) I'm the only one in control of myself, and my happiness.
This has been the biggest one for me. I am so used to giving somebody else the power to build me up, or break me down. That's not realistic, anymore. I am the only one that has the power to make me happy. My mind and thoughts are mine. And nobody has the power to control that anymore. Nobody. i've finally found that comfort in myself that i spent almost six years looking for. And that's the best thing I've learned.
And my plan? To keep this up. I can't slip. Because I feel like I've taken the steps to personal growth. And that's so rewarding. I spent the last few months losing weight, trying to be a good wife, trying to raise up my kids. There's so many things I have accomplished this far in my life. And i'm happy with where I'm at. And I'm even happier now that I actually took the time to sit, and think. Nobody else may realize these little changes I've made, but the way that i feel is amazing. I feel like a whole new person. A whole better person. And that makes me feel so much lighter. So much happier. <3 my goal is to just keep this up, and to continue to learn from myself.