Friday, January 4, 2013

little white lies.



I don't think any truer words have ever been spoken. We spend most of our lives looking for validation. We base most of our deepest feelings based on lies. We fall in love over lies, and false promises. And we constantly look for someone willing to break all of our walls down, and prove that their lies are really truths. And sometimes you build yourself up on so many lies you've been told, that you don't want to hear the truth anymore. I don't think anyone I've ever met has ever been 100% completely brutally honest with me, until when the truth the came out, it crushed me. I think everyone can relate to that. Validation is built on so many lies, and so many deceptions. Sometimes it's so much easier to take a lie, as the truth. Because the truth is too real, and too raw, sometimes.

But we all to come to a point in our lives that lying is no longer acceptable. We form a real relationship at some point, and realize that everything we have been programmed to believe, is no longer the whole, and real truth. We have to at some point, stop letting everyone else validate who we are. There is no more gray area. It is either fact, or it is not. I think the gray area is where I let my mind go, sometimes. I have been through so much in my life, that everything I thought was real, was not. And when I found the person I wanted to spend forever with, I still have insecurities. I still feel insecure. I let small things bother me, that shouldn't. I read way too far into things that aren't really there. This is where all the lies I have been told in my past really creep into my mind, and make me believe things that aren't true.

It's very crazy, and complex how my brain works most of the time. I have learned to take things at face value. I have learned that actions speak way louder than words. I have spent my time pushing people so far away from me, just for proof they would come back. I have made Dan basically walk through broken glass to prove he really wanted me, and really me. It wasn't fair for him to have to go through all of that. But this is how my mind works. And honestly, I think all of this is just a day by day process. I am not a hurt little girl anymore. And it isn't his fault that I feel this way. He must think I'm crazy half the time, because my thought process is so strange, and complex.

But, when I really sit back and think about it, I think everyone has this type of thought process. And not many people are really aware they even think this way. Everyone has been hurt. By a lie, a cheat, a broken promise, whatever it was. We have all been broken. And when you become broken, you find ways to cope...to heal...to become smarter to protect yourself. This is my way. Not saying that it's completely justified, but that's the truth.

But, I have found my validation ; within myself. I finally stopped lying to myself. The things I have put my family through in the past, I have finally been able to own up to what I have done, and let them have real validation over the truth, and not lies. I went into my relationship with Dan completely honest, and real. I think he was the first person to ever have the real me. The me who stopped lying for the sake of getting people to like me. And when he fell in love with me, it really was me. He was the first person I let myself get that close to, based on everything real. I wouldn't say that Dan validates who I am, he just made it easier to validate the person that I wanted to be.



-Brandi


2 comments:

  1. Very good point!
    I'd rather be an honest bitch than a likable liar. My good friends like that quality. Others that wanted the lies? Well, our friendships didn't last.

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    1. exactly! i have made it to that point in my life that I don't have time to surround myself with people who lie & i am done lying to others for the sake of being friends. it's dumb, and proves nothing.

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