Anger...

We all do it. We let things build up in our minds, and little things become big things very quickly. You take your anger and frustration out on a situation that was very meaningless, and before you know it, you've exploded. And that's dangerous. Because then feelings become hurt over something very pointless. And you've began spewing words you do not mean. 

Relationships crumble this way. I had one of the worst nights of my entire life last night over something very small. Something that built up for a week long. And it was very pointless, to me. But it was not to my husband. And it all came to a head. And it was brutal. Things that should have never been said, were said. Words were thrown around that should have never left either of our lips. It happens to the best of us. But an argument like that doesn't solve anything. 

Anger is a very tricky thing. And what many people in relationships do not understand is that anger works differently for all of us. I am the type of person that I do not anger easily. It takes a lot to really get me going. Sure, my kids may misbehave throughout the day, and I might yell at them ; but that doesn't mean I'm angry. I really try and keep my anger in check. If I am not careful, I could really let myself be the angriest person in the world, and take out my complete frustration on everyone. I rarely try and let that happen. But I am not a saint. I yell, I curse, I say things I don't mean. I let my words get the best of me. But what exactly does that solve when you're at the point of no return? You don't want to think logically when you're that upset. You don't want to work anything out when you feel like you've been pushed to that point. You don't even care what happens to you when you get that angry.

I admit, I am not perfect. My brains have left me a long time ago. I forget very easily. I feel like anymore my brain is full of thoughts that don't have anything to do with anything, and my wind wanders easily. I take everything day by day, and I try not to over-think. And that's what gets me in trouble most of the time. Because my husband is a very organized person. He likes to see things in black and white. He writes notes to himself to keep him organized. I don't. I accept that. And I try to just go with his system, because it is very new, and a foreign concept to me. But I feel like what we don't see eye to eye on most, is that he doesn't seem to accept the fact that I am just not that way. I remember things in my own way. I always know when I need to get things done, and they are always done in a timely fashion. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't see that just because I do things differently, it doesn't make me wrong, it makes me...well, me. 

And soon enough, this is where the build up went on, and exploded very quickly. I am the type of person that I am all about approach. I will listen a whole lot better when I feel like I am not being attacked. I don't want to start hearing how wrong I am, because I immediately shut down, and get completely defensive. This is what my many years of abuse has done to me. I used to be so weak, and would be ripped apart daily, that any time I hear anything negative about myself (even if its the honest truth) I get very defensive. Communication stops. I immediately feel attacked. But this isn't anyone's problem. It's something that I need to work on. But I wish that I could just get a little understanding. I feel like when someone starts going on the negative about me, I get into the same old mindset that nothing is good about me, and I'm in a whirlwind of ugly thoughts. 

But do not get me wrong ; I feel like I have the foundation in this marriage to make it absolutely wonderful. My husband is not a bad guy. He treats me with respect, and love. He and I don't fight regularly. But my point here is, we both need to work on not letting our anger/frustration build up in our minds until we get to a point like this. Because I could very well be completely unaware that he is still brewing about something, and vice-versa. I don't realize half the time (because I really am that oblivious) that he is mad about something. This is what we need to work on. It should never have to get to this point again. I am going to work on letting my anger or frustration out, and talked about before it starts to really bother me and get into another fight like that. That is my promise. My marriage means the entire world to me. Dan means the entire world to me. And I can promise him honestly that I will work on that. 

-Brandi