Insecurities.

This post, I guess is more for me. I have been struggling the last few days. And I just need some kind of outlet to get it all out, so bear with me.

I thought that losing the weight would make me feel better. I thought that I would instantly love the new person I saw staring back at me in the mirror. And it did, at first. I love the way that I look. I love the way my clothes fit. But i'm starting to struggle with other dark feelings, and I'm not sure how to sort them.

I lost parts of my body that made me happy, when I was heavier. I had bigger boobs, back when I was heavy. I had a bigger butt. I had thicker thighs. These things made me feel more "womanly". Now, it seems that I have lost these parts of my body, and I do not feel as secure in myself as I did before. Now I seem to look in the mirror and pick myself apart, versus building myself up like I used to. I start dwelling on parts of me that I think are "ugly". I get caught up in hating my stomach, my hips...I feel like "oh my god i lost all this weight and I still look horrible!" I don't really know. It's dumb and i'm sick of it.

I'm driving myself crazy. I don't like struggling in this head space. I don't really know what is wrong with me. I have become very withdrawn, and just...sad. I don't want to eat anymore. I force myself to just put something in my stomach so it doesn't hurt. I'm afraid of gaining weight, yet I'm not happy with how I look this thin, either.

I've gotten lost in my appearance. I feel like my looks, and my body is all that makes me who I am. I feel like I have nothing better to offer to anyone else besides my weight. I feel like I spend way too much time worried about what I wear, how I look, and I'm completely addicted to people giving me compliments. I don't really know where this new, insecure me comes from. It seemed like when I was heavier, I had to rely on my personality to get any male attention. I had to make sure I was funny, bubbly, and fun to be around. Now I feel like with this new body, I shouldn't have to try anymore, because I am what society considers "beautiful." And that doesn't make me happy.

I've gotten very superficial. I have never done this before. I used to laugh at those girls who spent so much time getting ready, and doing hair and makeup. And I've become that. It makes me sad. I don't like this part of the new me. I want to go back to the days where I felt beautiful in just a t-shirt and jeans and an old pair of worn out flip flops. Now I don't feel like I look good ever.

My deepest secret is that I spend alot of time taking pictures of myself. I will sit and just take picture after picture after picture. And it makes me feel really good inside because I'm like "wow, look at my body!" And then I just feel so dumb for doing that. And I get caught up on being so...vain. Vanity is something I never wanted to get myself lost in. It doesn't do any good. I look for compliments from anyone. I want people to validate that I look as good as I think I look...but honestly, I just want somebody to tell me that I don't look good, either. I don't know. It's all very confusing.

I feel like I take a lot of my frustration out on my husband. And it's not even really his fault. But I feel like he doesn't completely understand why I feel this way, either. I was told over and over again by people I loved whole-heartedly that I was ugly, undesirable, fat... And he does alot to make me feel pretty. But I just feel like there's always more that I want. I want to feel...like no other girl could ever touch my level. That I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world. And sometimes I don't feel that way. Maybe I'm just jaded, and I need more attention because I want to forget everything in my past. I really don't know. And I'm almost positive that none of this makes any sense.

I just want...some kind of validation. And it wont mean anything unless it comes from me.

-Brandi