Tuesday, January 8, 2013

it always seems so unfair...

I was watching one of those shows about women who didn't know they were pregnant this morning...and I try to stay away from those types of shows because they always irk me. This woman didn't know she was pregnant until she went to the hospital and she was in labor.

She delivered the baby around 35ish weeks. And she admitted that while she didn't know she was pregnant, she was heavily drinking and smoking... and her baby came out completely okay.

COMPLETELY OKAY. No problems. No birth defects. Not a low birth weight.


How come the second I found out I was pregnant with Caden, I didn't smoke any cigarettes, I didn't drink back then at all, so no drinking...I stopped taking over the counter medication before asking a doctor... And my baby came out so sick? It's just so unfair.

This is why I do not believe in god. I was never a practicing christian EVER in my life. My mom tried getting us involved in church as we grew up, but it just never stuck with me. I just looked at it as a place to go hang out with my friends, but I never received any type of "message" like other people say they get from church. And as I grew up, and started forming my own opinion as to what I thought about religion, I had too many questions about it that seemed to be answered very biased.

So I gave up, and started believing in morals and goals I had set for myself, and tried to live more leaning toward good and bad karma. I guess I would consider myself an atheist/agnostic because I do not really believe in any kind of higher power... my "faith" is with the universe, and karma.

With that out of the way ;

I really wasn't testing on my "faith" until Caden. Why was it that I gave up everything for him, to become his mother, and try to do my best...did he have to suffer? Why is it that women who get no prenatal care, drink and smoke, have healthy kids? But I had to fight and fight against my own body to get him here safely. I made sure I didn't put my hands over my head (an old wives tale my mother told me once because the cord "could strangle the baby that way). I ate pretty decent. But still, he was in trouble. And I would have crossed my legs to keep him in. But even baking him that long wouldn't be good, either. The amniotic fluid ruined his bowels, and that's why he lost so much of them. He was born at 36 weeks, and was a really good size for that gestation. (6 pounds 3 ounces!) But I still watched my baby suffer. I watched him be put in a medically induced coma. I watched him while he couldn't breathe on his own. I watched him cry because he was in so much pain. My heart was always broken. It wasn't fair that I tried so hard to have a healthy baby, and I didn't. And for the first month and a half of his life, instead of being rocked to sleep by his mommy, he was laying in a hospital bed. And every night that I went home, my heart hurt. I'd see his crib with his puppy sheets waiting for him, not knowing if he would ever come home and use it. I would just cry because I wanted him so badly. And I couldn't have him home with me at that point. The uncertainty was almost unbearable.

But he's here. And everyone tries telling me "he is a miracle of god!" No. He is a miracle of medical science. 20 years ago, Caden would have died. If it wasn't for such a great team of doctors, a wonderful hospital, and a state of the art NICU facility, Caden would have died. So, how would "god" have saved him in this case...when this wouldn't have happened back then. How many gastroschisis babies that do NOT make it. Its not a miracle of god, that's almost twisted to think that. All of these kids are born with different issues. Some are compatible with life, and other children become too septic, and pass away. It's all how the hospital staff can handle each specific case.

But, alas, I am a very religious-tolerant person. I do not question what others believe. I do not share my faith with anyone. I just keep it to myself, and believe what I want to believe. I will befriend anyone, regardless of their faith. But, I will not speak about it if I am asked. I do not want to offend anyone. I don't want people to think I'm a religious bashing asshat. But for me, my life has been to complicated to leave anything up to god. I am the one in control of my own destiny. And call me jaded, because I very well could be. But the person who hurt me the most, was the biggest proclaimed christian. And that's very hypocritical, and turned me off to whatever christianity has to offer.

I know this is a mess and all over the place. My mind is running a mile a minute.


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