The sins of the mother.

The mother. The cornerstone of your family. The nurturer, the grocery getter, the nurse, the chef, the laundry do-er, the maid, the shoulder you cry on, the cleaner-upper, the errand-doer.

When you think of your mother, that's probably what you think of. The woman who was there for you whenever you needed her, for whatever you needed her for. The woman who could fight your fights for you when you were in trouble. The woman who held your hand when you were scared. The woman who held your hair while you threw up. The woman who stayed up late with you and cuddled you when you were sick. The woman who bandaged your boo-boos, and kissed you before you left for school. That's what I think of when I think of my mom. I remember every time something bad happened, she was there. Whenever I cried, she was there. Whenever I fell off my bike, she was there. When I was scared while giving birth to my kids, my mom was right there. She was there for me for everything in my life. My right hand woman. The one who held me up when I didn't think I could go on anymore. The woman I pretty much owe my life to. I didn't exactly know her real struggles, until I became a mother, and then a wife.

I now understand her struggles. Her feelings of being unappreciated. Her feelings of loneliness. Her feelings of great despair when she couldn't figure out how to console me when I cried. Her complete frustration when I wouldn't behave the way she wanted me to. And I now understand her struggles as a housewife. How rewarding it is to be your husband's right hand, juggle the children, clean house, and keep a smile on your face. Although I wouldn't change any of this, it does get awful frustrating. There are days that I am completely sick of cleaning house. I don't feel like cooking any meals because I am completely exhausted. I have spent my day wrangling the kids, feeding them, bathing them, breaking up fights, and disciplining, and barely giving myself any time to breathe. I feel like 99% of what I does go unnoticed, or unappreciated. Nobody has directly told me that what I do around here doesn't matter. But when I forget one thing, nobody forgets that. I try my hardest to stay the person that everyone in this house needs me to be, and I try to rarely complain. But sometimes I wish that I could change roles here, and not be the one everyone relies on.

And then I feel selfish for feeling that way. I think any mother can completely relate to these feelings. It's so nice to know where every little crumb, and knick knack is in this house, and be able to offer my family a meal, a clean house, groceries when anyone opens the fridge... but sometimes I miss the days where my life was made easier by my own mother. And I know that someday I will be as great as she was. She set the bar very high.

I don't think any woman who enters motherhood really understood how difficult it was going to be. It's not just raising a baby, it's changing everything in your life, and being exactly what the little baby person needs. It's about putting everything on the back burner, and completely becoming the cornerstone for your child, and your partner. It's the most rewarding job, but sometimes the most lonely. The days are long, the nights are sometimes long. I am lucky to have the family that I have, and that my kids are very close with them, and they go to mom mom and pop pops house once a week for a sleepover. But even while they are gone, I am still loading, and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up matchbox cars from my living room, and under beds, and worrying constantly about them. My children are always the first thing on my mind. Its most important their needs are met. Secondly, it's important to me that my husband's needs are met, and that he is happy. Then, myself last. Nobody really told me how hard juggling all of this would be. I am almost happy I didn't know. Because then I would have nothing to strive for.

The sins of this mother? Sometimes I secretly wish that I could not be as responsible as I need to be. I wish I could be selfish, and put myself ahead of everyone else. I wish that I could just let the kids destroy the house, while I slept in. I wish just once I could sleep til 9am, and that breakfast was hot, and waiting for me. I wish I didn't have to cook as much as I do. I wish the dishes could magically do themselves... but this won't happen. I am mom. And I think I'm a pretty kickass one, at that.

-Brandi