Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy Birthday Caden!

the first time I ever saw Caden as entire person. <3

January 25th 2007. Just another day for most people. But for me, its the day my entire life changed, forever.

At 3:55am, after a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult labor, Caden Zane entered the world. The room was full with at least 40 doctors and nurses. There was no standing room left in that delivery room. But he was here. He was blue and purple, non responsive, and silent. I couldn't see anything because so many people were in the way. I remember my high risk doctor, Dr. Fischer still between my legs cleaning me up, and assuring me that everything was okay. He looked me in the eyes and told me "I did what I had to do, I kept you pregnant, and the baby safe, now that new team is going to take care of him, I promise." After what seemed like an eternity, and my many pleas of "let me see my baby!" ; Caden finally took his real first breath, and began crying. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. Dr. Fischer was crying, my mom was crying, I was crying. It was the happiest I think I'd ever felt in my entire life. They immediately bundled him up, and stuck him in an isolette. I begged over and over for me to see him. Dr. Fischer told the crew to wheel him over by my bed for a few seconds so I could at least see what he looked like. He was completely bundled up, and all I could see was his eyes, they were open, and looking all over the place. I could see his silky black hair peeking out of the hat he was wearing. I couldn't touch him. And I just wanted so badly to scoop my sweet baby boy out of that isolette and just cuddle him. But he had to go straight to the NICU and be prepped for his first surgery.

So many people must have came and went out of my room that morning. I had to sign permission for everything Caden touched in the NICU. I had to sign for blood transfusions, surgery, breathing equipment, medication... So overwhelming. I never thought that I would have been in that situation. But there I was. And my baby boy's life hung in the balance.

I had to wait another 8 hours to see him again. I didn't even know if he had all 10 fingers and toes. I remember Dr. Holtzer (his surgeon) coming into my room at about 10am, and told me the surgery had went well. Everything was back inside where it needed to be, but they couldn't close his skin, and he would need another surgery. I had to wait another hour after that to be able to see him. I remember getting wheeled into the NICU for the first time. Scrubbing up, gowning up... Caden was all the way in the back of the NICU. In a room called hummingbird. He was the first baby on the right, right by the door. There he was. All of him. Under so many machines it would have made your head spin. He was completely unconscious, in a coma, so he wouldn't feel any pain. He was beautiful. Silky black hair, two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes... He was real. And I could touch him for the very first time. There he was. The baby I had fought so hard to keep in my belly, alive. The baby who kicked my insides. The baby would doctors didn't believe would make it to his birthday. And there he was. So beautiful. The sound of the ventilator keeping him breathing was almost like a lullaby. And he just looked so peaceful. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I had never wanted something so badly in my life, and here it was. Just...overwhelming. The very best moment of my life.
my little astronaut on his CPAP machine. <3

And he spent the next 28 days there.
After another surgery, a few setbacks, and tons of scary days...He came home. Another milestone that most doctors never thought he'd reach. I was able to pack him up, and take him home.

First day home <3

being silly with mommy <3

So happy 6th birthday, baby boy. 6 whole years. Another year that doctors weren't even sure you'd be here. Another milestone. Another 365 days that were never promised to you. And here you are. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than every grain of sand on every beach on every corner of the earth. I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without you, Caden. We kind of grew up together. I wasn't in any way ready for you, but you came with a bang, and showed me how to be a mom. You made me a mother. You're the most special little boy in the whole world. I am so proud to be your mommy. You're so smart. You're so crazy. You make life so much more interesting and fun. You're the very best thing that could have happened to me. And I have so much love for you. I love being silly with you, and I love hearing all your little jokes you tell me! I love hearing about your day at school. I love seeing how excited you get when you get a good color in school. I love the pictures you draw me. I love YOU! You make me so happy. And I will continue to be the very best mommy I can be to you. I love you son. Today, tomorrow, and for always. <3

first day of school <3

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