Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dear Dan.

I'm not even sure where to even start.

I'm sorry. I know that half of the things I do, and say are completely unnecessary, and sometimes just down right crazy. I know. I can't really change the person that I've changed into since the last time I was completely broken apart, and left pretty much on my own. It's not your fault. You didn't do any of that. But it's not easy for me to let anyone love me, as much as I want you to love me. It's all so hard for me to let someone have half my heart, and give them the complete power to break it.

I wish that I could let all of my walls come down. And honestly, you're the only one in a really long time to have gotten mostly all of them knocked down. You're the first person I let get that close to me in such a short period of time. I never wanted to admit it, but I fell in love with you way before you even knew if you wanted to be with me long term. You gave me complete butterflies, and that crazy feeling in the pit of my gut the first night I spent with you. After the trip to the beach, I was done. You were something I never wanted to be a part of, but I couldn't imagine what my life would have been if I didn't take that chance.

You are just..amazing. You've been nothing but perfect to me. I know that more than 90% of the arguments that we have, are all my fault, and my own insecurities getting the best of me. You are not to blame for that. It is something that I have struggled with for many years, and something that I will probably need to continue working on. You know the crazy things that I've endured in my adult life. You know how scared I am to let anyone really love me. And I am so used to doing everything completely on my own, and not answering to anyone, and doing whatever I want to do, and saying whatever I want...because I was able to get away with it for so long. You have shown me that life cannot be that way, and that I cannot be the strongest, hardest person in the world. I am human. And all of the things you have shown me humble me, and make me want to be a better person. Not just for you, but for myself, too.

I know that none of this is an excuse for how I can really be sometimes. I know that it is something that you do not want to hear, most of the time. I know that we have all been hurt. I know that somebody has broken your heart before, too. And I know most of this just sounds like a complete cop out as to why I do the things that I do. But it's second nature for me to have doubts, anymore. I have been completely faithful and true to many past lovers, only to have been too blinded by love, to be hurt. And I know that it's not your fault, because you have never given me a reason to doubt you. I want to be better. I want to be able to just be completely okay, and let myself love you openly as much as I truly do love you.

I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I appreciate everything that you have done for the kids. You took me on, knowing I had kids... Kids who have been through some pretty rough stuff, as well as me, too. You were able to come into all of our lives, and just show us all kinds of love, and take all of us on. It takes a really strong minded man to want to get involved in all of my baggage. I know that I carry alot of it.

I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you. Nobody told me how hard this was going to be. Nobody warns you how rough a marriage can really be. I can't sit here and say that everything is so horrible and bad, but I know that there is room for improvement. And I know that I need to work on myself, to be able to really be the person that you truly need me to be. I seriously cannot imagine my life without you, and when I stood there and said my vows, I meant them. I will always love you. I love you when things are good, and I love you when things are bad. I will love you until my very last breath. You mean the absolute world to me. And I am just so sorry for being so damn blind and selfish sometimes.

For whatever it is worth,

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