Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A quick look into my complex mind.

"You're German, don't forget that." - wise words of my father after a heart to heart we had last night. 

I like to think of myself as a strong person. I like to think of myself as very opinionated, and anyone who comes in contact with me, will probably tell you the same thing. I am stubborn, I am opinionated, and I stand behind whatever I say, even if people want to convince me I am 100% wrong. I get a lot of slack for many of the opinions I've formed in my adult life. I think because I've experienced so much, and been through many things other people could probably not even imagine, it's made me a very stubborn, and very opinionated individual. And I'm okay with that. Nobody has to agree with me. But don't make me feel stupid for thinking what I think, either. I've lived in a car. I've been poor. I've had nothing but the clothes on my back. I used to have to hustle everything I had just to survive. I've had to take showers in a truck stop. I've been very jaded, and learned very quickly that life just isn't fair. And I've formed some pretty strong opinions about life.

I think the biggest place I get most slack for these things would be on any type of social media. I've been a member of a forum for a few years now, and most people that I've met there know what I believe in, and even call me into certain posts to really lay down what I think about most situations. And I think I have a very complex thought process. I do not believe what most media sources tell me. I do not trust law enforcement, or even my government. I do not vote in any kind of election. I try and keep what I really think about certain things very deep down inside, because I don't want anyone to be offended by these crazy thoughts I have in my crazy mind. 

But sometimes people do ask, and this is where this blog comes from. You wanted my feelings on things, and I'll tell you.

So, the list of controversial things I have weird opinions on...here goes.

I believe that abortion should be legal, and stay that way. The government should keep their hands off my body. I am allowed to do whatever I want with a fetus growing inside MY uterus. Abortion should be easy to obtain, and partially covered by insurance policies. It should stay legal in every circumstance at whatever gestation. Now, I know that sounds very wrong, seeing as I am a mother of two children. But, pro-choice, and "pro-abortion" are two different things. I am more on the side of pro choice. And that goes into issues like choosing to abort, choosing to adopt out, or choosing to keep the baby. Pro-abortion groups lean more toward aborting a pregnancy, and leaving no other option. Most pro-abortion groups feel that adoption is not "emotionally" safe for women because they change their minds, and want to keep a pregnancy they didn't want in the first place. I do not believe that. I think more clinics need to push every option, not just abortion. There are some abortion clinics who do not even offer any kind of counseling to women who are seeking an abortion. The only reason I know this, is because way back when, I was about 16 years old, and the morning after pill had just come out onto the market. And this was back before you could get them at drug stores, and it was two pills, and a bunch of anti-vomiting pills. I went to the Cherry Hill clinic, walked past a bunch of Christian groups who told me I was nothing but a sinner and burning in hell for going in there, and I wasn't even there for an abortion. I didn't need parental consent to obtain the pills. I needed to get an exam, and was escorted into a room full of pregnant women who were there for abortions. These women were scared, they didn't know what to expect, and nobody talked to them about anything. We all sat there in our paper gowns, waiting on a doctor. I remember a girl who looked about my age who was there for an abortion. She was 8 weeks along. And she was terrified. They wouldn't let any men back there, so her boyfriend wasn't with her. She knew she wanted the abortion, but nobody came back there to check on any of us, and she said she didn't know what was going to happen. I think pre-abortion counseling is something that clinics need to have put in place. If a woman wants to obtain an abortion, there shouldn't be a stigma. And that's what most women there were so afraid of. I think if there was somebody in there with all of the women who were there for termination, giving them the complete information on what was going to happen, it wouldn't be so scary, and these women wouldn't feel like they were doing something wrong, and on top of that, feel informed that the choice they were making was not only 100% legal, but also safe, and they were going to be okay. I do not believe that doctors should also tell a woman what is best for her, and be able to give her all the information she needs to make a good decision, and support her decision. And offer lots of support. 

I am not a religious person. I was not raised that way. I do not think that the morals my parents tried to raise me with are any different than a child raised in a church. I don't think my dad ever has stepped foot in a church. My mom tried to get us to go, but it wasn't something we had to do. My dad raised me to stand for what I believe in. He told me to never let anyone change my mind. He raised me to believe I could do anything. My mom taught me how to stand on my own two feet. She reminded me that I am a person worthy of love, and I am a great person, despite how many mistakes I could ever make. They never read me a bible, and I can't even remember if they ever even bought me one. They taught us things that make us good people in our own right...not following what an organized religion says we should be. I do not think that religion makes you a better person, and it is something you should not hide behind. I don't look down on anyone for following a religion. You are entitled to believe whatever you want. I like everyone just the same. But I am more judged for not following a religion, than I judge others for following a religion. It doesn't matter to me what you believe. Whatever helps you, is just fine with me. I am completely tolerant of it. But I will not pray with you, I will not read a bible with you, and I will not make my kids go to youth group with your kids. I want my kids to choose what religion they want. I don't feel like influencing them into something I couldn't believe in is contradictory. They are free to make their own choices when it comes to religion. But I am not influencing them with anything. 

Conspiracy theories.
I am a complete left wing liberal. Of course I'm into reading into ways the government lies, and fails us on a daily basis. The biggest thing I follow right now are FEMA camps, and the sandy hook conspiracies, and the other day, a friend of mine got me into looking into the area 51 underground. I love them. I question everything. I do not believe anything unless I can see it. (Which is why I cannot follow religion.) I wear my tin foil hat proudly. People have to think I'm nuts. But, I am a questioner. I have to KNOW. I feel like it's my personal freedom to be completely informed. And if you look into half of the things going on in the world...the general american people have NO idea what's really going on. It's more fun to question everything, than become a sheeple brainwashed by the media. We have all been taught from a very early age that the news is what's going on in the world, and we must trust it. I just...don't anymore.

Law enforcement.
I will tread lightly with this one. I do not trust law enforcement of any type. I was wrongly accused of something very major a few years ago, when I was obviously the victim. I was arrested, giving a court date...and spent the weeks following having to prove my innocence of something I should have never been accused of. Back when I was with Angel, and the police would come break up our latest blow up fight, I was threatened by police, and instead of them "helping" me, like you're taught policemen do, I was told that it was my fault these things happened to me because I had to live there. I didn't have anyone who would have taken me in at this point because I was so isolated from everyone, that even my own family didn't want me to come with them at that point because things were so screwed up. The police would try and stand up for Angel in court (thank god for good judges in salem county). So, I don't trust them. I don't understand how we do not live in a high crime area, yet when something major happens, and somebody really needs help...they show up and start harassing innocent people. There isn't any real relief for victims of domestic violence in this county, either. Law enforcement didn't do anything to try and help me help myself. They arrested him, and then released him shortly after. And I was back at square one. If a police officer handed me a pamphlet and said "there's this shelter for women like you and I'll take you there" I would have went. The way that it works in the law for domestic violence victims is really messed up. I don't know if this is everywhere, or just here in this little area. One of my biggest goals is to open a shelter for women and children that is big enough to accommodate more than 15 people at a time. (The closest shelter we have in this area can only house 15 people, and its always full, most of the time. I've looked into it.) We also need more programs to help women get back on their feet after such situations. Cornerstone's "program" is a joke.

now, this one is funny. Because i'm all about "girl power" and "equality" and all that jazz. But honestly, I feel like a marriage works best when a woman sticks to her role, and a man to his. I am the maid of the house. The chef, the nurse, the errand runner...etc. I serve my husband his plates. I do everything I possibly can to make my husband's life easier. And he goes out and does the manual labor, and puts most of the money into the house. That's his job. And my job is the child raising, cooking, cleaning, and not complaining about it. He is supposed to be the one that I keep happy, and myself last. That's the way my parents have survived their entire marriage, and I want my marriage to model that. I put him in charge of making major decisions. I let him in the sense "wear the pants" ; and I am his partner. Now we occasionally bump heads because I can be very stubborn...but the submissive lifestyle seems to work best. I am not a doormat, and he does not treat me as such. 

welfare programs.
Completely screwed up "system". I have been on both sides of the spectrum here. I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. My dad busted his ass to give my sister, my mom and I a great life. We had everything growing up. When I finally broke out of my crap situation with Caden's dad, I moved into public housing. And while there, life was easy street. The government and the "system" bailed me out of everything. My utilities were paid, my food was billed straight to welfare, and my rent was less than 200 bucks for a three bedroom townhouse. Life was really too good to be true. But the second I moved out of there, and tried to better myself, living in a privately owned apartment, everything was cut. I get absolutely nothing anymore. And I think there is where it's flawed. People will spend 15-20 years in government housing because you aren't forced to do anything. But the typical, middle class person struggling paycheck to paycheck can't get any help whatsoever. I understand where people's entitlement attitude comes from from spending my days in "the cage". The system makes it too easy to do absolutely nothing, and then when a bill isn't paid by the system, people get angry. Its that attitude that keeps people living in situations like that. Now, out here in the real world, if my bills aren't paid, or late, it's nobody's fault but my own. And I can't blame anybody like I used to be able to do while dirt poor, living in public housing. It's all so screwed up. It needs immediate reform...but that will most likely never happen because the system is raising people on it to become completely dependent, and never having to do anything. So what are those people supposed to do? They have no skills, they don't work, and they won't find jobs because everyone's been suckling the government teat. 

I'm sure i could sit here and type all day about what I think about things, but these were the ones I could remember, that you guys wanted to know! I know after reading all that, you probably think I'm just a nutcase. And that's okay. But these are my opinions. You don't have to agree with me. I still like you even if you think I'm crazy. I know I already drive my husband crazy with my views on things. Good thing he loves me anyway.


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