Tuesday, July 9, 2013

where do you go...

This is where I've been stuck.

I feel as if I am on a teeter totter. One step to the left determines a potential future, one step to the right determines another. And here I am...stuck in the balance. Stuck. Afraid to shift my weight either way. And I've sat here too long, that it's almost tiring to stand here anymore. Do you ever feel that way? Where you just know in your heart you desire one thing, but your brain screams at you that you DESERVE another. And that's where you stay. Too scared to do anything, because it's a constant game of "who do I trust? my heart, or my head?" I've been let down too many times to believe my heart anymore. I have severe trust issues letting my heart guide me anywhere. But, at this moment in time, my brain seems to get me. My brain seems to understand exactly where I'm coming from. But my legs won't move here, from this balancing spot. And this...this is where I'm stuck.

I feel as though I was born to achieve great things. I feel as though I am destined to be so much more than what I am now. I feel like I have so many words of wisdom to share, so many people I could help, so many lives I could touch. I feel as though all my struggles have had to have meant something, anything. How many other people live through such traumatic, scary things, and still find themselves as cohesive, and coherent as I? I feel like I was put on this earth to make a difference, somehow, someway. But my heart pushed me in other directions. Directions now, that I feel...were wrong. And this is where I'm stuck. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way. But I need..I need to do something for me. I feel as though everything I once stood for, believed in, and wanted so badly to change about myself, are now here, standing here in my face. The skeletons have burst free from my closets. And the ghosts of my past have managed to find me. And I find myself here, angry. Angry at myself for allowing that to happen. Angry for going back on all the promises I made to myself, years ago. Angry that I just haven't found what I'm looking for, just yet.

But what is it that I'm looking for? I still don't know. Maybe I'll keep floating aimlessly. Maybe one day I'll find it. But how do you find what you thought was never lost? Where do you look for...you? And how did I get so lost? Who knows. I feel as though half my soul is still...out there. Waiting for me. Somewhere.

I feel as though the one person, who's life I was destined to change. The one I was born to...find. To be tangled up with ; cannot see this for themselves. And I go unnoticed. Unappreciated. And it's almost...maddening to try and get them to get it.My worth is not counted by dollars and cents. It is not supposed to be counted by pay days, or by things you could possibly gain. My worth is there. Its there when you look around, and I'm still here. I never left. Its seeing me, bending over backwards, doing anything possible. For you. It's always been you. There has never been any me in that mix. I am tired. I feel as though I've spent so many hours trying to explain this. But it never goes through. Do you know how badly you crush my spirit? I feel subhuman. I feel as though, somehow, I am a second class citizen. I feel as though I have no worth. And I know that is not true. Or is it?

And this is where I'm stuck.

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