Monday, December 31, 2012

goodbye old me.

The old me, in the picture on the left, is somebody i want to leave completely behind, forever. That was me. 178 pounds, at my absolute heaviest. I am only 5'2" ; so being that heavy is completely obvious. There's nowhere for the weight to hide. I was in a size 12/14 jean, and a large sized shirt. And even with the size 14's, I was cramming myself inside them because I was so ashamed that I was that heavy. It was denial. I blamed it on having my kids so close together, and never giving my body "enough time to recover." When the truth was, I only gained about 14 pounds pregnant with my daughter, so being 178 was completely unacceptable, but I kept lying to myself. I was going through alot at that point in my life, and was eating my feelings. There was alot of things going on behind closed doors that made me feel completely disgusting, so I took it out on my body. My boyfriend at the time was putting me through alot of emotional distress...and although he denied it, was even talking to other women behind my back, and then trying to compare me to them. It damaged me more than I think I even knew it. He'd tell me straight to my face "well, if you lost like 15 pounds, maybe things would be different." That's when I hit my breaking point. I knew that I shouldn't have to change myself for ANYONE, and if you truly loved me, you'd love everything about me. The relationship crumbled, and I set out to lose the weight for ME. I started looking online for support groups, ways to lose weight the healthy way, and started taking better care of myself. Cut out all junk foods, and fast foods for a while, and focused on being healthy. And the weight started coming off. I remember losing my first 10 pounds, and just crying because I was so happy for myself. I never thought that I could stick anything out. I always end up quitting anything I start. And as much as I wanted to eat something crappy, I'd remind myself how good it felt so see my body change, and I continued sticking it out.

Then another 10 fell off, and another 10, and another 10, and another 10...and before I'd realized it, I'd lost 50 pounds. All of my clothes were swimming on me. And for the first time in a long time, I felt sexy again. I felt pretty, and desirable. The weight loss completely changed the way that I looked at MYSELF. I used to think to myself in the mirror when I was heavier "Well, I'm really pretty for a thick girl." And now I look at myself and say "I'm just really pretty!" It changed everything for me. I can fit into the cute small sizes I haven't fit since highschool. I can wear a short little dress and not be embarrassed my thighs are touching...

The new me. The 128 pound me. The me that I think I'm supposed to be. The person I plan on keeping around for 2013. The me that feels so good on the inside, and out. The me that will proudly wear a bikini this summer. The me that I'm pretty sure my husband is proud to show off, and have on his arm. The me that I always wanted to be for the past few years. And the me that I wanted to be...I finally am. I don't think anything tops that. I plan on keeping this weight off. And maybe even going for another 10 to lose. (although, that's not important, but its addicting!) The size 3 me. The me who can wear little black dresses. The me that wants to encourage others out there like the old me who didn't know a thing about healthy weight loss. The me that I love being.


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