=]

I've been working on myself the last few days. I ignored my phone, my texts...half my friends ; I just wanted to sit in, be a hermit, and really start working on ME. I can't be the person I truly want to be when my mind is distracted, and full of just self crippling thoughts. I don't know why I put myself down, and doubt myself. My pain lately has been unbearable, and after trying for days to be a superwoman, I just succumbed to it. I began lashing out at everyone around me. I began being very angry, and resentful of my husband. Totally unfair. Totally not okay. And in turn, he reacted, and wasn't very nice to me, either. I let my mind wander. I let my body take my mind hostage. And it's not hard to do when the pain is so unbearable and you feel so miserable, you just automatically get in such a funk, and don't even want to function.

I just start getting so down, and start feeling like "maybe this is all in my head". And then I start feeling almost crazy. Like I was sitting here in my house just calling out for help, and crying out and acting like almost a baby because I couldn't get anyone to get it. And I started slipping into such a depression that I sometimes just didn't want to get out of bed. My body felt like it was starting to fail me. And my mind started failing me, too. It was like I couldn't control any of my words, or actions. And then I blamed it on how shitty I felt. Which is excusable, I guess...but still doesn't make it right.

I was becoming short tempered with my kids...and just felt like I was losing my mind over the silliest things. I was mad at them for just being...well, kids. The pain was getting so bad that I just didn't want to be bothered. But I'm a mother, first and foremost, and I was letting that slide so bad. And that wasn't fair to them. I sat, and I reflected for a while, and realized that I was just going about everything all wrong. I wasn't being the mother that I know I am. And I started just getting myself back out of my funk, and started focusing better on them. Caden came home the other day and painted me a picture that said "I LOVE MOM" and honestly, it almost made me cry. It made me realize that I am getting better, and that he really does love me, and appreciates me, even when I'm going through so much in my own body, and mind.

But yesterday, I got a shower, put on real clothes (i spent so many days in a pair of yoga pants with nappy hair) & straightened my hair, and just felt better. I straightened my hair, did all my laundry, made a decent dinner, played with my kids. It just put me in a better mood, all around. I got everything off my chest that I had to say to my husband. I feel...better. I feel in a better place. I feel like now I am in better control of everything. I am scared that it's going to get back to that point again, so I have reached out to my pain management doctors. I can't really afford the medication that I need to get, but they have decided they are willing to work with me so that I can get my relief. They don't want me to be in pain. They don't want me to go back into the whole depression mode that I was in for almost a week straight due to it. And that was great to hear. I'm glad that I'll be able to still get my doctor's visits and medicine without going broke to get it.

I just feel like me again. I feel happy. I feel in a better mindset. I feel bad that I basically blew everyone off for almost a week...but sometimes you just don't need distractions from anyone when you feel so shitty. And I'm sorry if I left you hanging. But i just needed this week. To sit and think. To be alone. To really fix me.

But yeah. Feeling much better. In a better place. feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally...just...better. :)

-brandi

relationship bullshit.

Relationships are so full of contradictions. And seeing what I have gone through, and what others go through, there is one thing that is always the same ; the woman has to bear every consequence.

Let me explain ;

If a relationship/marriage is rocky, why is it completely excusable for the man to go seek happiness elsewhere, and its supposed to be a "wake up call" for a woman who is also just as unhappy in a relationship? But if the woman does it, she's a slut, a whore, and she's worthless, and the man will NOT excuse it, yet blame her for making things worse...but it's supposed to be completely fine if he does it?

This I don't understand.

Why is the woman's job in the relationship to make sure the house is happy, the man is happy, and everything is good. And why is it if the man isn't putting in the same amount of effort, he then blames her when things aren't "perfect"? Now, I'm no superhuman. I can bear a lot. I can withstand a lot of emotional pain. I can smile, and put on a happy face even when I'm breaking apart inside. But this behavior is just NOT okay. It takes two people to make a happy home, not just one. But so much is put on a woman to be make everything okay...while the man takes a backseat, and doesn't ever have to put so much effort into anything.

I don't know if this is a society thing, where society has made it okay, and so many broken women have just laid down and died, and let men do terrible things to them. I can't think of one woman who hasn't had her heart completely broken. But the patterns we learn from relationships very early on, is that if things aren't great, its all her fault, and a man is given a hall pass to go out, find another partner...whether emotional, or physical, to get her to "wake up and be a better partner." This is disgusting. And it shouldn't be this way. It's a double standard. You hear about cheating men ALL the time, and it's "well he's a man, and that's what men do if their house is unhappy." But if a woman does it? "Oh what a slut, she's so disgusting." why? Why isn't a relationship an even playing field?

I am grown now. I am married now. I see things a whole lot differently now that I have gotten older, and in a sense, settled down. I have learned a lot. Even in marriage ; it seems like it's put on a woman's shoulders to run a smooth house, dress nice, stay attractive, do everything to make her man happy, no complaining, say everything right, don't argue... it seems like men have been taught an early age that you put everything on a woman. I don't think that's a great mindset to have. I just...don't. I don't agree with that. I would honestly feel like I failed as a mom if Caden grew up, and treated a woman like crap. I want him to completely adore his girlfriend, and future wife. I want him to be patient, and kind, and understand that it's not her job to make him happy...but equally his job to make sure she is happy, too. I grew up, and watched my dad treat my mom like a queen. The two of them never argued in front of me and my sister. He worked hard, he came home every night. He didn't expect too much of my mom. He appreciated her. Sent her flowers just because. Even when me or my sister had a bad day, he would bring us home a surprise, or something just to make us smile. My mom mom had four boys. And she taught all four of them to respect a woman, and to treat them right. My mom seriously lucked out with him. I haven't met anyone who has even come close to the man my father is.

I can honestly say, that I have never cheated on any of my partners. Even when I was being put through hell and back, I stayed completely faithful. It wasn't until I was thrown out, that I began to seek somebody. I don't believe that you just get "bored" and throw away what you have already in your life. You work on it, you fight for it, and you appreciate every experience you've gone through, good or bad. You pick your partner for a reason ; and you can't just love them when times are great. But, this takes two people to want it. You can't expect your partner to change everything for you. You have to be the partner you want your partner to be to you. That's how marriages stay strong. So many marriages fall apart because one party is too stubborn to admit they need to change. It's about compromise. And getting back what you give. I refuse to treat somebody with the utmost respect if I do not get it back. That goes for anybody. I can't change another person. I can only control what I do and say. And so many people do not realize that.

I just see so many unhappy people. So many marriages breaking up. So many people who don't have the energy to work on anything. Now, some people are just not supposed to be together ; yes. But the ones who have made the commitment to get married, and legally take their partner on ; you picked that for a reason. Stop getting divorced. Stop blaming each other when things are bad. If it's not working, it's not automatically a woman's job to make it all better ; you are to blame too. And women, you need to quit letting men tell you that.

-Brandi

Letting go.

I guess I am just not meant to have the approval from the only person I'm really looking for.

I'm getting sick of always being the bad guy. I'm not a bad person like I'm always made out to be. I'm getting tired of taking all blame in situations that are not 100% my fault.

I admit, I can be really hard to get along with. I know this. I've accepted this, and I've tried to strive to be a better person so that it didn't have to always be this way. But at this point, I can't change into somebody I am not. I cannot take full blame in things that I did not do alone. It takes two people to have an argument. So why with you, is it so one sided, and always made to make me look bad?

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't have any real reason to lie to you. Just because I don't always do the things I plan on doing, doesn't make me a liar. Just because sometimes things come up, and plans change, doesn't mean I'm a huge liar and do things just to intentionally hurt you. You see me still as this stupid little kid who doesn't want to get caught, and that's not me anymore. You don't pay my bills, you don't put food on my table, and you don't get the authority to run my life, anymore. I've flown your coop many years ago. It's time you start seeing me as a young adult, somebody who has a life. Somebody who's grown up. Somebody who doesn't want to have so much friction with you...somebody's who getting sick of taking the brunt end of all your anger.

And in this process, my children are hurt. They are crushed. The things you said, will probably sit with them for a while. I spent my day reassuring my children that they are not to blame, and you were not angry with them. But it's crushing to them when they completely idolize you. I don't hurt for myself, because honestly, i'm old enough to know by now, that we will never have a normal, healthy relationship...no matter how much I want that from you. It just will NOT happen. You have grown to truly deep down hate me. And it's obvious. I know that I didn't make your life easy, either. I know that I have put you through hell. I know that I was an extremely rebellious teenager, and many nights you probably didn't sleep because you didn't know what to do with me. But at this point in my life, I cannot take that back. I can't. And I can't apologize for it any longer. I am not that person anymore. But honestly, I will not be disrespected. I will not answer the phone and be yelled at. I will not listen when you tell me how wrong I am, when I'm not. You just don't like it when anyone disagrees with you. And you turn into the victim..even when you start it. I didn't start this with you.

But as always, there were no witnesses to what happened, and of course I will be bashed. You will manipulate the situation as to where you are completely right, and I was completely wrong. And for that, our relationship will suffer, once again. But you need to realize, that YOU are wrong. I can take blame when I know I've done wrong. And yes, maybe I shouldnt have said some things I said. But maybe you shouldn't have, either. But you never stop to think about that. It's always ways to make ME look bad. It's always ways to make it look like you're this sweet, innocent person, and I'm this terrible bully who just says things to be mean and nasty. That's not it. You were angry before I even showed up there, because I didn't want to talk to you on the phone, and hear you tell me how much of a liar I am, and how I just can't do anything right. I don't have to listen to that. I don't. And I have every right to remove myself from that situation. But what YOU did was wrong. That is no way to handle anything. But, I'm pretty sure your story is completely different than what actually happened. And that's the way it always is.

I'm just...tired. I'm tired of trying. I am tired of thinking that things could ever change. They won't change. It doesn't matter anymore. You don't want a relationship with me, and it's about time I accept that. I didn't want to before. I tried to get you to like me. Bringing you lunch ; coming over just to say hi. It wasn't ever good enough. You just hate me. And I will never have your approval. And whatever, I guess it's time I just start realizing that. It hurts, but I guess this is the way it really needs to be.

I appreciate everything you have done for me. But at this point, I need to stop trying. Whenever you're ready, I guess you'll be ready. Until then, we don't have to speak. I am beyond disgusted. And I'm beyond exhausted trying to get anything to work out. I love you always. But I just can't do this anymore.

-Brandi

being honest with myself.

                                              You like to think you're never wrong ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You have to act like you're someone ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                              You want someone to hurt like you ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).
                                          You want to share what you have been through ;
                                                   (You live what you've learned).

I heard these lyrics today. This is from a song that I actually forgot about. But Pandora suggested I listen to it, and honestly, it really just describes exactly what's going on in my life right now.

But I find myself being exactly like this sometimes. When Dan and I argue, I am a very defensive, angry, straight up nasty person. I say terrible things I do not mean. My anger almost turns on a light switch somewhere in my body, and I snap into this person that I do not even recognize. And it's not just to him ; it's to everyone that i come in contact with. I have hurt many people with the way that I can be when I am angry.  My mom must have gotten the brunt end of all my anger. I just...say things that are awful, and completely inexcusable. Things that just shoot out of my mouth. Things I do not think about. Things that come from this almost dark, evil part of my brain.

And I seriously cannot control it. I have tried. I have tried to walk away from confrontation. I have tried to just go into another room. I have tried going outside. But, I don't know. My anger just takes over, and this part of me just emerges, and I actually feel almost a thrill. I feel powerful when I am angry. I get this...rush. It's almost like an adrenaline rush, and then I cannot remember anything else. I just like picking apart my opponent.

But it's what I've learned. I was the victim of somebody's else's anger. And I guess after being so beaten down, I've picked up that dirty habit of being the aggressor. Because in the back of my brain, sometimes I can associate anger with love, and relationships. I learned this behavior. It is almost like a second nature type of thing. When there is confrontation, become a bigger aggressor. I saw this behavior for years. It's almost drilled into my head now. I do not want to be the victim anymore. And it doesn't matter if the argument is over something dumb like something misplaced, or a huge argument over finances...I just take it too far...too many times.

But honestly, I think it's time that i stop letting everything in my past dictate how my future goes. I didn't ask for anyone to treat me like that, and in turn, I have started treating people that I love very dearly the same way. And that's not fair.

I didn't ask to be treated like that, and nobody deserves being treated that way, either. I don't like being that nasty, vile person. That's not who I am, and I've come way too far to succumb to something like that now.

I am a wonderful person. I have so much love. I have so much light. I have so much to offer anybody. I have to let go of the many ties that used to bind me to being a very bitter, and sad person. That is not my life anymore. I chose a life for not only me, but for my children to be free of people who hurt us, and people who use us. I have a wonderful relationship with somebody I genuinely love, and I (hope) genuinely loves me too.

I just need to take this one day at a time. It took almost six years to learn this stuff, and although i've been out of that situation for a long time now ; the scars are still there. And I don't want to lose what I have because of that. I lost a huge chunk of who I was because of all that stuff I had already been through.

I don't think anybody can really understand what I'm saying, or totally get what I'm trying to say here...unless they've been there. I mean, I am already so much judged for my past. And I am not proud of it either. But you just don't get out of a relationship that was so extremely abusive, and get out without any scars, or any triggers. It's still so very real in my mind...even though so much time has passed. I have many many triggers...and things that just set me right back to where I used to be. Anger is one of them. I don't know how to process anger. Another thing, is self-loathing. Some days, for absolutely no reason at all, I will just be in this really terrible mood, and just feel completely inadequate. And nothing really brings it on. Sometimes just a small little joke can just make me SO incredibly sensitive.

But, I completely tons of therapy in my past, and without that, I don't think I would have been half the person I am now. I'm still incredibly flawed, and yeah, I have my moments...but I have come a LONG long way. I have learned how to trust. I have learned how to love. I have overcome alot of things in five years. I have become a stronger, way more understanding person. I have SO much empathy for people I never had before. And I have learned how to just...be a better person. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle within their lives...and I have learned that sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on can make all the difference in the world. I have become the change that I want to see in the world...

I just have to be honest with myself, and take responsibility for how much my anger can just be...cruel. That is one thing I really want to work on this year. I want to let go of everything that comes along with that. And honestly, I think I'm completely capable. I'm just not so sure where to start.

-Brandi

Not a single pound...

I have not gained ONE SINGLE POUND since my journal started last May. NOT ONE! That means, all 53 pounds that I have lost since then...not one has managed to find it's way back onto my body. :)

I have found finally the secret to balancing. I am able to eat foods I still like to eat, in moderation. I am not actively "dieting" anymore, but I am not constantly splurging, either. For the first three months all I did was diet, diet, and more dieting. Then, I started slowing eating other foods, just once in a while. Now, I think I have finally figured out how to eat what I want, and still maintain my weight loss. 

And that's an amazing feeling. I don't have to worry as much as I did before. My last weigh in (about a week ago, the scale said 127) so that means that I have not had to watch myself so closely. I didn't want to "shock" my body into just thinking that raw foods, and diet food was all I would give it, because for some reason, I was afraid that I wouldnt ever be able to eat anything "normal". But I guess, most importantly, I did what most would call a "lifestyle" change.

Because honestly, the "secret" of losing weight, really isnt a huge secret. Don't eat as much, and you won't weigh as much. But that doesnt mean to deprive yourself of foods you really want to eat. It means, "have a slice of pizza...but not three." "have a french fry...but not 100" just being completely careful of every calorie you're eating.

And what most people don't realize, is that your day's biggest calorie consumption, is what you're drinking. There are SO many calories in teas, sodas, juices...and people don't realize that because most think "well its a drink, no biggie" but it is!! You have to consider your calorie intake even with what you're drinking. I found that when I stopped drinking so much sweet tea, I not only felt better, but the weight started almost melting off. I exchanged sweet tea for diet sodas, water, flavored water (be careful with these, some have ALOT of calories) & gatorades. Less calories, but still satisfied my sweet tooth. I can't drink plain water...too much of it is way too boring, for me.

I also became aware of what I was eating while out in a restaurant. Instead of getting something full of fats, and a huge portion..I'll either get something small, or still order something full of fat, but watch how much of it I'm eating. Too many times in the past I would sit down in a restaurant, and eat EVERYTHING on my plate because I didnt care, or was too distracted by conversation. Now, I'm lucky if I eat even a half of whats on my plate. I'm more aware. This is the biggest thing that is going to keep you going. You need to watch yourself. 

I can with complete honesty say, that I DO not snack often, or ever, really. I don't eat while watching TV throughout the day. I don't eat before I go to sleep anymore. More aware. I find other things to do with my hands so I don't feel tempted. I have fun apps on my phone to keep me distracted...I play with my kids...I cook stuff for other people. I eat my three square meals a day, and thats that. I do not sneak food like I used to. I cut all those bad habits out.

I learned how to control myself. For me, this has become second nature, the little tricks i've taught myself. It keeps me motivated. And I love looking at myself in the mirror. I'm so excited (for the first time in a LONG time) to go bikini shopping for summer! I can't wait to get myself into one of those itty bitty bikinis with the tie up sides. (I havent owned one since high school). As soon as I see myself in something like that, I'm going to feel like all this has been worth it. 

I seriously cannot wait. And I'm sorry for bragging...but dammit I'm so proud of myself. For the first time ever, I have self control. I have a body that I'm proud of. And I just feel really damn good!

-Brandi

Happy Birthday Caden!

the first time I ever saw Caden as entire person. <3

January 25th 2007. Just another day for most people. But for me, its the day my entire life changed, forever.

At 3:55am, after a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult labor, Caden Zane entered the world. The room was full with at least 40 doctors and nurses. There was no standing room left in that delivery room. But he was here. He was blue and purple, non responsive, and silent. I couldn't see anything because so many people were in the way. I remember my high risk doctor, Dr. Fischer still between my legs cleaning me up, and assuring me that everything was okay. He looked me in the eyes and told me "I did what I had to do, I kept you pregnant, and the baby safe, now that new team is going to take care of him, I promise." After what seemed like an eternity, and my many pleas of "let me see my baby!" ; Caden finally took his real first breath, and began crying. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. Dr. Fischer was crying, my mom was crying, I was crying. It was the happiest I think I'd ever felt in my entire life. They immediately bundled him up, and stuck him in an isolette. I begged over and over for me to see him. Dr. Fischer told the crew to wheel him over by my bed for a few seconds so I could at least see what he looked like. He was completely bundled up, and all I could see was his eyes, they were open, and looking all over the place. I could see his silky black hair peeking out of the hat he was wearing. I couldn't touch him. And I just wanted so badly to scoop my sweet baby boy out of that isolette and just cuddle him. But he had to go straight to the NICU and be prepped for his first surgery.

So many people must have came and went out of my room that morning. I had to sign permission for everything Caden touched in the NICU. I had to sign for blood transfusions, surgery, breathing equipment, medication... So overwhelming. I never thought that I would have been in that situation. But there I was. And my baby boy's life hung in the balance.

I had to wait another 8 hours to see him again. I didn't even know if he had all 10 fingers and toes. I remember Dr. Holtzer (his surgeon) coming into my room at about 10am, and told me the surgery had went well. Everything was back inside where it needed to be, but they couldn't close his skin, and he would need another surgery. I had to wait another hour after that to be able to see him. I remember getting wheeled into the NICU for the first time. Scrubbing up, gowning up... Caden was all the way in the back of the NICU. In a room called hummingbird. He was the first baby on the right, right by the door. There he was. All of him. Under so many machines it would have made your head spin. He was completely unconscious, in a coma, so he wouldn't feel any pain. He was beautiful. Silky black hair, two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes... He was real. And I could touch him for the very first time. There he was. The baby I had fought so hard to keep in my belly, alive. The baby who kicked my insides. The baby would doctors didn't believe would make it to his birthday. And there he was. So beautiful. The sound of the ventilator keeping him breathing was almost like a lullaby. And he just looked so peaceful. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I had never wanted something so badly in my life, and here it was. Just...overwhelming. The very best moment of my life.

my little astronaut on his CPAP machine. <3

And he spent the next 28 days there.
After another surgery, a few setbacks, and tons of scary days...He came home. Another milestone that most doctors never thought he'd reach. I was able to pack him up, and take him home.

First day home <3

being silly with mommy <3

So happy 6th birthday, baby boy. 6 whole years. Another year that doctors weren't even sure you'd be here. Another milestone. Another 365 days that were never promised to you. And here you are. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than every grain of sand on every beach on every corner of the earth. I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without you, Caden. We kind of grew up together. I wasn't in any way ready for you, but you came with a bang, and showed me how to be a mom. You made me a mother. You're the most special little boy in the whole world. I am so proud to be your mommy. You're so smart. You're so crazy. You make life so much more interesting and fun. You're the very best thing that could have happened to me. And I have so much love for you. I love being silly with you, and I love hearing all your little jokes you tell me! I love hearing about your day at school. I love seeing how excited you get when you get a good color in school. I love the pictures you draw me. I love YOU! You make me so happy. And I will continue to be the very best mommy I can be to you. I love you son. Today, tomorrow, and for always. <3

first day of school <3

wife swap.

So I got caught up watching a wife swap marathon today...which of course got me thinking about what would happen if I were to ever be on the show.

I'd most likely end up in a family full of religious, gun toting, bible reading people with a husband who does most of the household chores while the mother homeschooled...in a huge lavish house, who thinks race car driving in a sin, and has absolutely no social life.

And the woman who ended up here would be thrown into a world of endless house work, playing referee between to unruly children (who break everything), being the maid of the entire house, going on late night crazy adventures with a crew full of car fanatics, stuffed into a little two bedroom apartment.

And I'm not even sure what that kind of family could teach me. Maybe a more "wholesome" lifestyle...or maybe more patience, (most days, I have none). Maybe she could teach me how to make a schedule, and stick to it...or maybe how to be more organized? I'm definitely not sure what ANY woman could learn from me. Maybe how to have more fun? Learn how to carry a pair of slicks up a flight of stairs? Learn what a supercharger looks like? Learn how to let her kids be kids? I'm really not sure.

I'd miss my crazy life. I get caught up daydreaming about all the material things I wish I had, and all the money in the world, and what I would do with it...and even if I got to pretend that was my life for two weeks, I'd miss my humble little life. As much as I hate talking about cars, and all their dumb mods, I'd miss talking with Dan about that late at night. I'd miss making food for my family. I'd miss picking up my kids mess...hell, I'd even miss putting my kids in the corner, and getting nighttime snuggles.

Although it would be pretty rad to go life a lavish life. But with my luck, the other family would suck, and be cheesy and lame as hell. And wouldn't get my life at all. I think I live a really good, fun little life with my husband, and my kids. We always find something fun to do, even when there's nothing to do. Dan and I are really fun, and laugh ALL the time. The other husband would probably be super uptight, and not get a joke. I can call Dan all types of names, and pick on him constantly, and he just gets it, and we can have a great time. And the new wife would probably be so structured and crazy, and drive everyone in my house crazy.

I think at the rules change, the first thing that would change for Dan, would be he's not allowed to talk about car related things anymore, and he has to learn how to do the dishes. (Which, would be okay...for a little while.)  But then that wouldn't be "us" anymore. She'd probably make him learn how to cook, and how to do more housework than just taking out the garbage...and I think how nice that would probably be at first, but I'd get bored of that.

I like my house, my rules, and most importantly, my husband just the way they all are. I wouldn't want for anyone else to come in here and tell us how to live. I don't think I'd be open to trying anything new...which could probably make for great show ratings because I'd most likely be raising hell the entire time. (And knowing my husband, he'd probably be doing the same thing over here in my absence...) I think I couldn't ever let myself be in that situation, because I wouldn't appreciate it, or want to learn from it. I don't like people telling me that my ways are wrong. And to most families, or people, my life might be wrong. I might be making every parental mistake there could possibly be. And many other wives might think the way that I support Dan's car stuff is dumb, and I shouldn't encourage his behavior when it comes to all the racing he likes doing... but this is my life. And I'm so happy this is my life. I love all the time I get to spend with everyone in my family. I love the things we do together. As much as I get tired of playing pit crew to my husband, and losing an entire closet to car stuff, and tires...I'm glad this is what we do. I love the way my life is. And I really wouldn't want to walk in anyone else's shoes...and I wouldn't want anyone else in my house telling me I am wrong.