i've been cheating...

I've been really slacking on my diet lately. I mean, I never really had a diet plan in place to begin with, but I've been really careful to monitor exactly what goes in my mouth.

But lately, I've slacked really bad. It's been a really long time since I ate a potato chip, and I ate some today. And I made brownies today, and I ate a little bit. And it seems like every time I go to my mom's house, my sister made homemade chocolate chip cookies, and I always seem to cave and eat one. But it's always just one... but now I feel really bad.

My weight has pretty much stayed the same. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost anything in almost two weeks, either. I can't say I'm frustrated...I'm just...mad at myself. I shouldn't be doing this. I was doing really really good for like six months, and I've been falling off the bandwagon. It doesn't help that nobody else in my house is on a diet (or needs to even be on a diet). But the motivation to keep doing good has gone away.

I want to stay thin forever. I at least want to stay thin and small so I can take nice pictures this year. And jump up on my husband's truck in a bikini and not look like a hippo.

But I've realized that eating these "bad" things makes me feel really heavy and gross on the inside. Not just because I know its bad for me, just because I haven't really eaten these things in a long time. I don't like the way I feel after I eat them. I don't know if it's more mental, or if it's real that I feel "heavy" and "disgusting."

But I guess I'm still tiny because I am currently wearing a pair of sweatpants that used to be SO tight on me, and they hang off me terribly. My husband even said to me earlier "you're going to disappear!" So I guess I haven't gained anything...I guess it's all in my mind.

I just am terrified of getting bigger. I have nightmares that I am fat again. And that Dan leaves me because I got fat. And I know that's pretty dumb because I know he loves me for more than what I look like...but subconsciously, my mind says he would in my dreams. And then I get all like "omg can't get fat, can't get fat."

I just wish society didn't tell us girls at a very young age that thin is what beautiful is what is accepted and what is "wanted" by men. I don't understand why beauty can't come in every shape, and size. Why do they put "perfect" looking women on billboards, in music videos and movies...and shove it down our throats that if we want to be beautiful, we have to look like that? I am so afraid that my daughter will get sucked into that. I fear that I am not setting a good example for her because I am so self conscience about myself. I don't want her to grow up, and see that I was such a crazy dieter, and that I let my looks define me. I don't know how to put a happy medium on how I feel, and how I want her to feel. Gah. I feel like I fail there. I make little jokes about how "big" her belly is...and how much of a "piggy" she is when she eats alot.... I feel like I need to stop doing that because I don't want her to one day think that eating is not acceptable...and that the size of your jeans is what makes you...you. My issues stem from much deeper things than that. I was never fat. I just got fluffier after my kids were born, and then I spiraled out of control from there. It just wasn't healthy to be 5'2" and 178 pounds. I knew I had to do something before I hit like 200 pounds and then been up shits creek without a paddle. But, I only started my weightloss because of what size I wore, and what the scale said. I thought losing weight would just be something that would make me love myself again. And it did...but it doesn't. This hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy.

I secretly weigh myself. ALOT. I constantly look at myself in the mirror...almost all the time. I fuss about my jeans, and my clothes. I still see a big person, even though I am always reminded by everyone that I look great, and that I am worrying for nothing. I don't know if I need to seek some kind of real help for my body image issues, or if they are real, and everyone struggles with them like I do. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I am so worried that I ate too much that day, or if I didn't eat enough. Sometimes I worry if I'm getting bigger....it's all so sucky and I just don't like where I am at these days.

I don't feel like I have any support from real people I can talk to about this, because I don't want to annoy anybody with my dumb feelings about this right now. Everyone hates "that" girl who thinks she's fat, but she isn't. And now I am that girl. I don't know. It's all very stupid. I'm that annoying girl in a skinny jean who is always like "omg do I look fat?" "Can i even wear this?" yeah. that girl. the girl you wanna punch in the mouth. :(

I just feel like a failure because I haven't been so careful lately. I mean, my mom lost a bunch of weight just being careful with what she ate. And she hasn't gained it back. Her advice to me is always the same. "Everything in moderation." And I never go off the deep end. I only eat small portions of whatever I'm eating, and i don't think there's ever been an instance that I've actually finished anything on my plate. I only eat when I'm hungry, and I stop eating when I'm full. I try and stay away from sweet tea...which used to be my vice back in the day. I would drink like 5 cups of sweet tea everyday before I started losing weight. That was the hardest thing to give up.

Now the only real "vice" I have is smoking cigarettes. And I like smoking them most of the time because it suppresses my hunger. I don't eat as much when I smoke. And I know it's not exactly good to do that. But I can't give it up. Everyone gives me shit for smoking.  But I can't quit. I've been a moderately heavy smoker for like 8 years now. I'm doing better with it now than about a year ago. I've gone from almost two packs a day, to just under one. I know that horrible. But I feel like it keeps me in order, away from food. Whenever I feel like I have nothing to do with my hands, instead of reaching for a snack, I'm puffing away on a cig. So in a way, I've given up one thing, for another bad habit. But that's dumb, too. Now I'll be skinny, but most likely get cancer. And I don't want that.

I'm just in a crazy headspace today. I think it's the weather? I think it's because I haven't really had any social interaction with anyone but Dan and the kids for a few days. I don't know. I just can't wait til it gets nice out so I can at least go for a walk outside.

Any of my other weight loss friends going through an emotional slump right now? How can I get out of it? Ugh. I'm gonna drive myself insane.

-Brandi